Buffy Cracks the Egg Diary 2010

Lucifa73

Slow down Buffy - One thing at a time! A few posts ago you're worrying about making ends meet if the depression bites again, then berating yourself for the £20k loan and then you're looking at incurring debt to get a house you won't live in! I'm dizzy!!!!;)

I think you have enough on your plate in the immediate future - clear your debt (you really are sooo soooo close to getting there), once that is done you can reassess the work situation, get some savings under your belt and then look at a potential investment or even how about a place for YOU? once that is taken care of then you can think about buying ooop North (there will always be cheaper property up there but do you wnt the hassle of being a landlady in absentia? My mum & dad hated it)

Take care, keep at it.

Luc xxx

Buffythedebtslayer

I wasn't actually going to do it tomorrow or anything Luc, I was just thinking out loud.

LouiseJ

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I wasn't actually going to do it tomorrow or anything Luc, I was just thinking out loud.

The house down the street from me is up for sale:D

How has this week gone? We got rid of our level 2's today:j

Buffythedebtslayer

It was ok until till today, in fact it was better than ok it was good, enjoyed all my lessons. Miss one of my classes that i have lost but that's life! Today however was !!!!. the big boss is back on his I'm in charge kick, only been back a week and already have almost 30 pages of paperwork................................................from one man.

I know why I am staying there. I know in the long run it is good money and I am getting a masters. I know long term it is better but on nights like theses when I feel like crap (and I am not eating chocolate!!) I just get so depressed.

Party sounds fun - everything ok?

xxx

LouiseJ

Things are OK at the minute Buffs, having a major wobble about my exams next week and have totally crashed and burned on the diet today but apart from that OK

Soz that work is back to pants land my friend:(

Buffythedebtslayer

You know what Luc says, 80/20 - I am sure you have been great all week. You have lost loads. And all your walking!

xxxx

Buffythedebtslayer

My friends both real life and internet have been telling me for ages that I need to move out. I know this. I have known it for a long time, my life hasn't not moved on or changed since my Dad died, I have kept Mum company in our grief and followed her lead in how to behave and what to do. I do not blame her - it was always my choice and I love her. My world shattered when my Dad died and its been a while whilst I pick up the pieces.

It is one of the central problems of my life at the moment that I can never be myself, well rarely. At work politics and lies rule. I have maybe two trusted friends who I see once a week. The rest of the time I am surrounded by people I need to keep my game face on for. Its hard work.

At home I play the role I have always played, the youngest, incapable, stupid, prone to having an over active imagination,silly,never finishes anything etc. I would like to point out that playing the role isnt exactlywhat I mean, it is how Mum expects me to behave and anything out of that is commented on and dismissed.

Her constant negativity is hard work. Tonight I went for a walk and found a lake (don't ask!) Anyhow her reaction was oh that's a bit dangerous. not well done for walking so far or oh I didn't know that was there, just oh that is dangerous. hmmm. ok. it kinda deflated me a bit. And it is like that for everything. It was easier when I was younger, I was more reslient then. Now I am older I am more afraid, naturally not going to take risks and so life continues in the same way. I feel like I have been waking up to this for couple of years now. Each time I think this I feel guilty.I was funny - one of my mates has had to stay with her mum - she does many of the things my mum does - made me feel much less unreasonable!

I know if I moved out she would find it hard to pay for the house etc and it would make her miserable. I also know I would feel huge amounts of guilt. If I moved out with the debt I couldn't pay her anything, but if I was DF I could.

I have spent the last two years looking for a job but have been given the opportunity to get a Masters so have decided to stay until that is done.

I have said all this before in one form or another, just never acted on it. I have however been spending more time with my friends and trying to go out more. I have also given up my attempts to be "friends" with my sister. I love her but do not understand her and frankly have tried enough since my Dad died to keep the family together.

I really need to go to bed but the up shot of this post is that I need a new diary to refocus on what I want and not what I *should* be doing. I am going to spend much more time out of work doing my own thing.

Bed now xxxx

Pippajo

Morning Buffy,

A lot of serious thinking there, but you are sounding more sure of yourself than ever.

You cannot keep giving your mum money, she neeeds to manage, otherwise you won't be able to live in your own place.

Why not check out what benefits/pensions credit (sorry I dont know her age) she would get on her own, you might be suprised and she may be able to manage with planning. You can do it online to get an idea.

thrifty_fifty

Hi Buffy,

It's as if you and I are the same person. We love our mums but they are toxic to be around. The longer you are around that kind of fearful behaviour, the more likely you are not to get things done because you then become scared to. If I listened to my mum I would never go on the motorway, never have got my degree (why do you spend all that time studying, don't you want to start living life?),basically in mum speak, 'i won't be able to settle until you're married and have three kids tugging at your apron strings (because then I will be like her).

She's not comfortable with a daughter who studies, who doesn't like housework (believe you me if I could pay someone to do it, why would I waste my precious time slaving over dirt? who would?), who doesn't want to have her husbands dinner waiting on the table for him when he gets home from a hard day at work. It's all they've ever known, and it doesn't apply to our lives.

I think it would do you both good for you to move out. You because you will actually start to become yourself again (i know i did), and it might actually get her to get out there again and start enjoying life, because she doesn't have you as a crutch.

You can't spend your whole life making up for, and feeling guilty for something that isn't your fault. Yes it is sad that her husband has passed away, but life goes on, and as hard as that is, each day is going to come around whether you want it to or not. Could you try and get her interested in a hobby that would also mean her meeting women of her own age? It might just break her out of her shell.

You don't have to stay in your job either to get the masters, try the OU route, that's what I'm doing. Dad wouldn't let me go to university, do you think that was going to stop me? Hell no. Someone says no to me and it's like a red rag to a bull.

In the short term, could you book yourself a week away in a caravan, on your own just to have some good alone you time, to think things through and get them sorted? In that time you're not allowed to communicate with home atall, because it is your own selfish time (we're all allowed that).

Time away from your normal surroundings might just be the thing to put into perspective what you need to do.

xx

Buffythedebtslayer

It would be lovely to get away, but in my job and the whole hiliarious money situation not likely.

Thanks for your comments Thrifty, I would never go as far as to say my Mum is toxic tho, I do believe she does these hugely annoying(!)things out of love and protection (as yours does). the more time I spend around kids and their parents the more I realise what a big job is it and if your darling centre of the universe isn't doing what they "should" do then it is definitely disaster time! They do rightly or wrongly feel they have failed.

We have tried the hobby thing and she isn't really up for any of it. she has some friends - which is a huge progress on where we were 2 years ago, she goes out and stuff, its no were near as impossible as it was believe me, I am back with a social life again. I think losing your soulmate of fifty years takes masses of strength to get through. She won't be happy in that way until she meets him again in the next life. I am honestly impressed with how well she has done.

All this is my choice and whilst it sometimes makes me mad I don't regret it. I just need now to make some more changes to make sure I am doing what I want and not constantly what I should do.

which is why I have started a new positive mental attitude diary.

I will find it once i am back from my driving lesson.

I am so grateful for this place

Love Buffy xxx