Sallyx's Sink or Swim, Swimerdy Swim Diary ;)

hypno06

Glad you had a nice lunch - did you have chance to talk to your mum about the situation at home?

sallyx

No I didn't although being a Mum am pretty sure she has an idea!
Really want to be able to have some sure plans rather than oh by the way x has been up to his tricks again and then leave her worrying about whats going to happen

hypno06

That sounds fair enough. Are you going to be able to start making those plans soonish do you think?

sallyx

No idea at the moment Hypno...but have started clearing carp out, sorting stuff for ebay and getting some money together.

hypno06

If you are serious about doing this, it might be worth setting yourself some sort of target date......eg be out by the end of the Easter Holidays.

The reason is that if you know you want to go, but always have a reason/excuse not to go just yet, you will just wear yourself down even more while you stay, which will do neither you nor B any good.

sallyx

I don't really want to go though Hypno...I want him to leave but with no job, no money for deposit anywhere I can't see how he will. Its something we need to discuss and set a timescale...its not healthy for us to drag it out and we both need to move on. I think Easter Hols is a good target

hypno06

Its 4 weeks til the start of the Easter Hols and 6 weeks til the end of it, both dates give you a really good "window" to work with.

If he doesn't have a job, and doesn't have any money, would he not get housing benefit etc to help him with his rent if he moves out.

If YOU move out, how will he pay the rent for the house you are in now? So however he would pay for this house, he can use the same method to pay for another house/flat for himself?

Buffythedebtslayer

*Would be so tempted to kick him out*

I have to say Sal you are showing some remarkable restraint here, Can he not go and stay with his mum?

You are amazing, I think I would have screamed blue murder by now. And why on earth has he just not gone? I don't get it.

Massive hugs my dear friend xxxxxx

sallyx

4-6 weeks is doable Hypno. Yes he would get housing benefit but it generally takes 2 weeks for a new claim, so he would have to find somewhere and apply for housing benefit and hope that it came through before he signed contracts. Its possible to do, ideally of course he would have a job and therefore an income and a better choice of what he can afford...Im not just thinking about him here, remember B is going to have to visit him and I dont want her going to some god awful place.

His parents don't have room for him and they live 3 hours away would mean he wouldn't see B. Buffy, why do you think he hasn't gone...because at the moment he's got a nice house to live in, food on the table and access to see his daughter when he likes. If he goes he will be in some horrible bedsit, no money, no job, little access to his daughter and quite frankly only his stupid internet woman lol to keep him company...I know which I would prefer and its madness that he's thrown all that away, idiot (and I am sure he realises that now, but its too late to start back peddling)

hypno06

I know that my situation was slightly different, in that OH chose to leave me, not the other way round, but I basically sat down with him to sort out budgets, what he could afford, make a short list of properties/areas with him etc with certain "rules" eg space for the children to sleep over, even if the second bedroom would be considered a cupboard in any other house, safe walking distance from the bus route, etc etc.

As a result, I wouldn't say I took responsibility for sorting things out for him, as I didn't go and look at any of the flats myself, but I did actively discuss the pros and cons of each one with him rather than just saying "off you go then".

Because of that......he told me he wanted to leave on the Monday evening, and by the Friday of the same week, he had had an offer on a flat accepted, and moved out 9 days later, which would have been sooner if the children were not in France etc.

So, it can be done - but you may have to do more of the arrangement yourself in order to encourage things along a bit.