What is a reasonable amount?

shiningdove

I'm 19 and bring home just over £801.80 a month.
So i'm guessing she'll earn more than i will because of her age

I also live with my boyfriend in a house that we work hard to live in.

valos_mummy

At the moment I pay my mom £25 per week, which I am very VERY grateful for. I know she only charges it because that's what my brother pays and she doesn't want to have one rule for one and not for the other. She also knows I have a loan to pay off, and a mortgage too boot (have a renter in there but have to make up the shortfall). Obviously once they're both out of the way I will be paying more than that but in the meantime like I said, I am VERY grateful!! Maybe sit down with her, work out what she has coming in each month, any payments she needs to make, what she would consider an suitable allowance (social life, clothes etc), and what she would like to save. Anything left over = rent.

kelloggs36

It is good to see that I am not being unreasonable in my 'demands'! It will be interesting to see what happens - whether she will listen to me (so far she just glares at me, and refuses to enter into discussion). I will find it difficult to remove her if she refuses to play by the rules - physically that is - I have no qualms about asking her to find her own place (as I have already done - if she can find a place for £80 per month with all bills and food included then go ahead!) but I don't know how I will make her go!
My mum feels sorry for her because I had backdated maintenance for her from my ex - he didn't pay for 8 years, so I had to stump up the full costs, and I won't pass that money on to DD. My mum feels that it is her money, not mine but I don't agree. As far as I am concerned, the money was a contribution towards the costs of bringing her up, and is just recovering what I have already laid out. I have said that once she buys a house, then I am happy to give her a chunk of it as a deposit, but it isn't an entitlement on her behalf. She needs to be responsible, and learn what the real world is like, and by bailing her out for her debts teaches her nothing. I have said that once she has proven that she can be trusted, then I will help her, but I refuse to do so whilst she is refusing to acknowledge her actions and the responsibility that goes with them. The other day I mentioned to my mum about the rent arrears she owed, to be told that she would pay them! I told her on no uncertain terms that she was not to do this - I don't know if she has or not - I will be furious if she has! She undermines my decisions like that, which leaves me with all sorts of problems with DD, which I am sure is contributing to her 'I will TELL you what I will do' attitude - she has my mum's support on that!!!

newcook

When I was 18 I think I paid my mom £30 per week but I was only earning £500 a month - the following year (after I had moved out and then moved back home!) I paid £50 per week as I was in a different job that paid more plus I had a part time bar job for extra pocket money.

I now live on my own in my lovely little 1 bed flat and pay £435 plus all the other bills - I also do all my own washing, cleaning and cooking (though occassionally mom will pop around with a bag of goodies as she worries I don’t buy enough food!!! I keep telling her I buy more than plenty for 1 person but she doesn’t believe me bless her!!!)

I think your daughter is taking the mickey by dictating to you what she will pay you to live in your house!!!! Tell her if she wants to pay that little she can have a tent in the back garden!!!!

BlondeHeadOn

kelloggs36 wrote: »

It is good to see that I am not being unreasonable in my 'demands'! It will be interesting to see what happens - whether she will listen to me (so far she just glares at me, and refuses to enter into discussion). I will find it difficult to remove her if she refuses to play by the rules - physically that is - I have no qualms about asking her to find her own place (as I have already done - if she can find a place for £80 per month with all bills and food included then go ahead!) but I don't know how I will make her go!
My mum feels sorry for her because I had backdated maintenance for her from my ex - he didn't pay for 8 years, so I had to stump up the full costs, and I won't pass that money on to DD. My mum feels that it is her money, not mine but I don't agree. As far as I am concerned, the money was a contribution towards the costs of bringing her up, and is just recovering what I have already laid out. I have said that once she buys a house, then I am happy to give her a chunk of it as a deposit, but it isn't an entitlement on her behalf. She needs to be responsible, and learn what the real world is like, and by bailing her out for her debts teaches her nothing. I have said that once she has proven that she can be trusted, then I will help her, but I refuse to do so whilst she is refusing to acknowledge her actions and the responsibility that goes with them. The other day I mentioned to my mum about the rent arrears she owed, to be told that she would pay them! I told her on no uncertain terms that she was not to do this - I don't know if she has or not - I will be furious if she has! She undermines my decisions like that, which leaves me with all sorts of problems with DD, which I am sure is contributing to her 'I will TELL you what I will do' attitude - she has my mum's support on that!!!

I really really think that you should tell your DD to go and live with you mum instead - I think it will teach both of them a useful lesson ! And if they don't learn it, then at least you don't have to cope with DD at home and sponging off you.

I would not let your DD live with you with that attitude. From what you have said, I would not let your DD live with you at all. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

Your house, your rules. End of.

SandC

I think the amount you are proposing sounds fair. I don't believe anyone should charge a child what they would charge a lodger (or base on % salary) unless you have been struggling financially for years to allow them to go to uni etc. and now need the help back. We all need to be taught how to use money responsibly but that doesn't have to mean taking the largest whack off them virtually at source. I feel teaching children the value of saving is far better for them but this has to start at an early age so probably too late for that in light of the debts already incurred. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for a young person to blow most of their earnings on frivolities whilst living at home, but the problem here is that she's seen fit to do it with her loan and more besides.

One of the problems with student loans is that they are given a lump sum of money apparently from nowhere so again the value of it is unseen.

In light of her current attitude I do think it might be a good idea if you ask your mum if she can move in with her.

For what it's worth - she may be an adult and looking towards joining the big bad world but give it 5 years or so and I'm sure she will be a changed person - if you can get the debts nipped in the bud.

See I didn't go to uni but even if I did, back in my day student loans didn't exist, so if you went to uni you either got a grant (but your parents would have to be quite low earners to get the full amount) or your parents funded everything for you or you worked all the hours you could to not get overdrawn. Sloppy lending has not helped a lot of our youngsters.

ithinkyourcrazy

I live at home while I am at uni, I wouldn't have been able to afford to move out. In my gap year(s) i paid £60 a month, i know it's hardly anything but i was under 22 so was only on £4.77 an hour and had to pay a lot travelling to and from work.

I have always and will carry on doing while i live here all the housework (washing cleaning etc) and cook all the meals. So my mum never has to do anything when she gets home.

Now i am at uni i don't pay anything but as soon as the summer hols start (for me May) I will start paying again as i will have my loan and be working full time. My mum hasn't given me any money for years so i don't feel like i am taking advantage and we live in small house no central heating, i have recently passed my driving test and run my car myself, and when she was short of money a while ago i transfered half my savings accuount to her bank and never want it back. I would love to pay more i think it's fair but untill i leave uni/get a better job i won't be able to.

jellyhead

kelloggs36 wrote: »

(but this is where me and my mum clash!! She believes that my DD is hard done by).

I agree with everyone else that perhaps your daughter should live with your mum instead :T

Why is she moving back in with you? It's not the end of year, is she dropping out? Will her job be paying well or is minimum wage? Is she over 21?

I think the real problem is not the amount of money you are asking for - it's the fact that the 2 of you are arguing about it.

My eldest is only 13 so I suppose I am used to him taking my word as gospel but I can't get my head around the idea that she thinks SHE can tell YOU what she's going to pay :eek:

BitterAndTwisted

kelloggs36 wrote: »

My mum feels sorry for her because I had backdated maintenance for her from my ex - he didn't pay for 8 years, so I had to stump up the full costs, and I won't pass that money on to DD. My mum feels that it is her money, not mine but I don't agree. As far as I am concerned, the money was a contribution towards the costs of bringing her up, and is just recovering what I have already laid out.

I absolutely agree with you! The costs of child-rearing were yours alone at the time and being paid back means that it is YOUR money, not anyone else's. Your mother is entitled to feel any way she likes but it should have no bearing on what you choose to do with it now.


I have said that once she buys a house, then I am happy to give her a chunk of it as a deposit, but it isn't an entitlement on her behalf.

Big mistake, in my opinion. What she's focusing on is that that money already has her name on it and because she has debt-issues to resolve feels that it's unfair of you to withhold it now. If you let her continue to live at home with you she will most probably start a constant drip, drip, drip, Chinese water-torture style to guilt-trip you into handing "her" money over.

I'd be tempted to ask your mother to stop interfering with your parenting, even though she might disagree with your methods. If she's that keen to take your daughter's part in this, she's welcome to offer her a room at her home and then she can deal with the debt-collectors and any bailiffs who show up AND all for £20 a week housekeeping.

I'm sorry, but it sounds like you've inadvertently raised a cuckoo in the nest and your mother might have had a hand in it. I don't envy you in the least.

jellyhead

My brother stayed at home when he went to uni. He didn't pay rent as such, but he didn't cost my parents anything really. He wanted internet and sky TV so he paid for that, and some electricity (they had a token meter so he put money on that every week). He paid his own bus fares, food etc.

He used the family's bread, milk etc. but in general the costs of him being there weren't much higher than if he'd moved out. The council tax, water bill etc. didn't change whether he was there or not.

This is where there can be a big difference between families. He had a friend whose mum was always putting her hand in her pocket - this friend expected mum to pay for his lunches while out at uni, printer ink, sky tv bills and even his bus fares. It was as if he was still a child at school.

That's fine if the parents like it that way I suppose, but if it causes hardship to the parents and the 'child' is in a position to help out financially then why not? These 'children' are 18 and over.

What's it going to 'cost' you to have her there? If you are a single parent will your council tax 25% discount be lost?