How do I persuade daughter to see her dad ?

jo91

Joelleski, although I can appreciate the upset that you are feeling on the uncertainty of your family position, mine (and some of the others from posters responding to my thread are different) is very different. My ex has had lots of access opportunities with our DDs but has frequently, and at short notice cancelled them. I will not force my child into trying to maintain a relationship with a person who a) cannot act like an adult and b) will not cherish opportunities to see them that are planned and agreed, simply when he gets another offer OR wants to inconvenience me on the rare occaison I have made plans for some grown up time.
Hope your situation comes to a reasonable conclusion for a good Xmas for all concerned

Joelleski

Thanks Jo91, I do know where you're coming from, I'm just so upset for my hubby's family - I just wanted to say that not all absent fathers are absent by choice.
Thanks for your words, I hope our situation resolves itself too!
Happy Christmas all !

rachel6188

how did christmas go jo?? im another child who refused to speak to her bio father. still don't. it sounds like your ex is a bully. stay strong and i hope you had a great christmas xxx

System

My only advice is don't force her to see him and let her decide for herself. I decided for myself (though it too till i was 18, wish i;d seen sense earlier) and now have nothing to do with my dad or his side of the family. And there were times i resented having to see him, and there were times i wanted to see him, and he let me down (if i chose not to he blamed my mum and i never heard the end of it). Even though i was 18, hearing my dad screaming down the phone at my mum calling her a !!!!! sticks in my memory and deeply upset me. And my earliest memory is being aged about 2 and standing in between my parents, crying begging them to stop arguing,. I'm not saying its the same thing but kids pick up on more than you let on If she doesn't want to go, let her not go.

The way my dad was towards my mum (slagged her off etc and blamed everything on her) did me not good and i do feel they've contributed to my current MH problems. So i appricate there are two sides to every story but some parents just should never be parents for all the damage they do to their kids,. I should add none of this is aimed at my mum and my stepdad who did their damned best to bring me up. sorry i'm rambelling. i had a few too many glasses of white wine and its hit a nerve with me too.

Susan_Frost

You are her mother, and probably a good mother. Not her "mother and father" so stop trying to make something right that you have no influence over.

Only he can be a good dad to his children, and if he is not making that relationship, and she says she does not want to go, then she has told you her wishes and you should go with it. Yes you can control her actions at this age and make her go, but you still cannot change her feelings.

If left alone, it may be that father does make more effort at some point, and they have a relationship of sorts eventually (no - probably not perfect). It may also be that if the stress is taken out of the situation she may, at some point in the longer term future, agree to see him.

At the moment, all you are really doing is making your home environment strained and upset when the issues are raised. This should be a place of security and peace for all of you - remember why you split in the first place ?

Just have a loving, happy, secure, calm home with your daughters, and leave the rest to take care if itself, even if it means he does not see her / them very often.

You do make a comment about wanting time to yourself, which is absolutely fine, but the "babysitting" needs to be done by someone else, not your ex. Can they stay at Gran's or Auntie / Uncle now and again ??? Give you a bit of space for a few days.

Good luck

SuziQ

I'm writing this from some experience-both personally and in my job as a Health Visitor. Your daughter's current stance is not healthy,and I honestly think you should be seeking out some family therapy. A large part of a child's identity is how they see their parents,and clearly your daughter-rightly or wrongly-sees her dad as a bit of a monster. This will affect how she feels about herself as she grows up,as who wants to be the child of a monster? A child psychologist could help her explore her feelings about him,and allow her to see that her feelings are down to him and not some fault within her. No matter how you may feel you hide your own feelings about him,believe me, a child picks up on any little nuance and that will also influence her feelings about him.I have seen too many children grow up into insecure adults who have difficulties making healthy relationships over the lat 28 years to think that she can sort these feelings out without professional help. You can get a referral through your GP or School nurse,and in some areas (such as where I live) you can self refer to the children and adolescent therapy service.
At the end of the day,you cannot alter the behaviour of this immature and selfish man (I couldn't alter my first ex either!) but you can help your kids to deal with the fallout and ensure they do move on with this with some professional support. Good luck!

Paparika

jo91 wrote: »

I would appreciate the thoughts and experiences of any other people who may have been through something similar.
I've been divorced from my daughters' dad for some time - split up over 3 years ago. It's been quite acrimonious, fundamentally because he wanted to oust us from the family home and fought a laborious and unpleasant battle over it, anyway, that bit is done and dusted. We have both met new partners, life goes on. I was happy for him to have regular access, which he kept to for the first year or so, however, he has become more beligerent about planned access fitting in with his personal plans. This has escalated over the last year to him actually refusing to see them a nuber of times during school holidays (to make life difficult for me - I work in an office) but him failing to spot that the children are stuck in the middle of all this. (He is a teacher.) This has not been lost on the children (aged 7 and 9) and now they are very reluctant to see him. Eldest had problems previously with bedwetting but we had sorted it out about a year ago. On the last occasion that she was due to see her dad (a couple of months ago), it flared up again - she was wet for almost a week beforehand and several days afterwards. She is now due to see him again - just for 1 day, not even an overnight stay and is already getting distressed.
I've tried discussing it with him, but he will not talk to me and she is, reasonably, concerned about telling him how much she dislikes him and then being stuck with him for a full day.
How far should I go in trying to encourage her to go without it feeling like I'm forcing her ? I need to work and I also need a little time away from my darling children in order to be a better parent, but at this rate I'm never going to get it.
Any suggestions/comments gratefully received.

you can't force her, if she don't want to see him, it is obvious in her bed wetting its getting to her. I think some outside help, gp etc to help your daughter...

Desperate for time off from being a mum may be great, but you have them under your care for the first 18 years of their life, I'm divorced from my son's father, i don't get time off... that's not what you sign up for when you have children, you have them because you want them. even if you are in a happy relationship when you had them, you take the rough with the smooth

dizziblonde

SuziQ wrote: »

I'm writing this from some experience-both personally and in my job as a Health Visitor. Your daughter's current stance is not healthy,and I honestly think you should be seeking out some family therapy. A large part of a child's identity is how they see their parents,and clearly your daughter-rightly or wrongly-sees her dad as a bit of a monster. This will affect how she feels about herself as she grows up,as who wants to be the child of a monster? A child psychologist could help her explore her feelings about him,and allow her to see that her feelings are down to him and not some fault within her. No matter how you may feel you hide your own feelings about him,believe me, a child picks up on any little nuance and that will also influence her feelings about him.I have seen too many children grow up into insecure adults who have difficulties making healthy relationships over the lat 28 years to think that she can sort these feelings out without professional help. You can get a referral through your GP or School nurse,and in some areas (such as where I live) you can self refer to the children and adolescent therapy service.
At the end of the day,you cannot alter the behaviour of this immature and selfish man (I couldn't alter my first ex either!) but you can help your kids to deal with the fallout and ensure they do move on with this with some professional support. Good luck!

I made the choice I didn't want to see my father, with how he behaved (neither of them were exemplary in the divorce behaviour) I saw him quite rightly as someone who put us through hell and tried to destroy the family. I find the insinuation that a child (who's probably sussed more of what's going on than you'd realize - I knew what the score was, I heard the conversations on the phone at night etc) who has made her own decision is "unhealthy" to be quite offensive actually.

I chose not to see the man who cheated on my mum (he even had invited his other woman into work on a day he had ME at the office because I was off school for some reason or other), who stole the family car, froze all the bank accounts (leaving his family with barely any money to buy food with), tried to have my mum arrested and her career destroyed, and assorted other rubbish he pulled over the course of a few years... I never describe him as a monster, but I did strongly side with my mother over the stuff he tried to put our family through - and I would have bitterly bitterly resented being FORCED to see him and play pretendy happy families. If any health visitor had come to me and told me how I was hurting my self esteem by describing the way he was behaving as a prat (I did see him as such - even at about the age of 10), I'd have kicked off big time and told them exactly where to go.

Yes the divorce damaged my self-esteem - but I came out of things strong, independent, mature, sensible (I basically had to help bring my younger brother up) - and yes, I lost a huge chunk of my childhood, but at least I knew that what I had to say was worth something and my wishes were at least considered and my views respected... forcing me to go see a man I despised (and by connection - his trollop) and paying lip service to how I felt by sending me to counselling would not have helped the situation. He didn't want us, pure and simple, he wanted access to score points and had no interest in us when we were round his house - not being wanted hurts, and it makes you feel somewhat worthless - but he's the sad little man who'll die lonely and with three wrecked marriages behind him and at least three kids who want nothing to do with him - his choices, his consequences.

Kids caught up in this know more than you probably realize about what's going on - respect her decision. Sounds like she genuinely doesn't want to go and she's getting herself into a right tizz about it running up to a visit... I'd be listening to what she's saying if she's the sort to be clear about her own mind and not giving just the answers she thinks you want to hear (some kids are, some aren't - I was a right little assertive so-and-so!).

SuziQ

Dizzyblonde---My post wasn't meant to be offensive and I aologise if you felt it was. But you admit your self esteem was damaged and that was unhealthy. You lost a chunk of your childhood and had to help bring your brother up-not ideal. NOWHERE did I state that this child should be forced to see her father if you read my post properly,but the very difficulties you had are the VERY reasons I suggested professional supprt, as not every child will come out of it as well as you have (although you do sound understandably bitter about him)-and believe me I have vast experience of this from a Child protection perspective. I stand by what I said-seeing a parent as a bad person is very unhealthy if not put into the perspective that their faults are not down to you (don't forget how egocentric kids are-everything begins and ends with them,therefore anything that goes wrong must be their fault in their eyes.)
I also didn't say a Health Visitor was the person to intervene here-I knew my remit and limits in my job and referred to the appropriate professional to help that family. You seem to have just skimmed through my post and used it as a reason to vent about your own history,which is pretty different to the OP's children.
My children didn't want to see their dad for a while,but I worked with them for some time in bite size steps and they both now have decent-if not fantastic-relationships with their dad. Different circimstances to you and the OP but nevertheless,had I just accepted what they said all those years ago,they would have missed out on so much over the last 13 years. Neither you or I can say if the OP's daughter should see her dad,but a neutral professional,perhaps even working with the dad as well to make him sort his act out,could make all the difference.


Bitterness is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.

jo91

SuziQ
Thanks for the comments and suggestions. Some interesting points in there, I will have to consider how to broach. DD1 decided over Xmas that she didn't want to see her dad and I didn't force her. DD2 did, his tight-fisted (fiscal and emotional) behaviour towards her did him no favours and a couple of days later, completely unprompted, she burst into tears in the car talking about how he mustn't care about her and that, despite my regular assertions that he is the one missing out, she clearly felt hurt by his lack of interest and care for her. Perhaps it will be DD2 that I need to address the relationship problems with. Any guidance on how to start would be appreciated - bearing in mind that the ex will not consider it any of his responsibility and anything that he would need to be a part of resolving.

Regarding a previous posters comments about being a parent being a responsibility that I must accept - believe me I do. At the cost of all else. And, no, I have no family members around to care for my girls for an evening - they are too far away and my dather has alzheimers so isn't a safe option anyway. Thus my comment about having an occasional break was not a flippant one.