How do I persuade daughter to see her dad ?

LegalBlonde

Hi Jo I don't really have that much advice but from the other side of it I am in my late 20s and I have no relationship whatsoever with my dad, I stopped seeing him at first when I was around 11 and then for good when I was 17-18, I felt the same as your daughter, honestly all I can say to you is there is no way whatsover she will look back and blame you for anything whatsoever, i was 8 when my parents split up, if anything she will thank you for letting you be yourself. A few years ago I got an email from him forwarded through 3 different family members, asking to meet, I ignored it and felt incredibly guilty for a while as I felt he had made a move I ignored, until someone pointed out it really wasn't that big a gesture from him considering it was the first gesture in about 10 years especially considering I had been the child for most of those years. I would never look back and blame my mum so whatever happens don't worry, your daughter will remember things the right way round when she is older.

jo91

Thanks LegalBlonde, it's useful to have the input of someone who has been the child in these circumstances. I haven't been in her (/your) shoes, so, am trying my best to do the right thing for her - and have stopped trying to do the right thing for him - he's a grown up and should be taking responsibility for that himself ! Am now having to shift focus to the upset of DD2 - she's 7 and suddenly taking it hard that he doesn't care about her. Looks like I will be pursuing suzi's advice for youngest since eldest has her head round the situation (to some extent).

LegalBlonde

Jo, I think you are doing really well and as for your DD2 (and DD1) you just have to tell them that honestly it is his loss and he doesn't know what he is missing. The main thing in common any one in my situation always have is he comes crawling back when you are in your early 20s - when he does this, they will know you are right about him missing out!!!

Good luck with it and you can only do your best x

gairlochgal

well we've had a rough few months with DD1 getting more and more unhappy about seeing her dad. She developed an acid stomach and school attendance went through the floor to the point where I got the "it's serious now" letter.

Took the kids away for half term and her stomach sorted itself. Came back and she went to her dad and had a MASSIVE row with him and immediately got the acid stomach again - throwing up frequently, barely eating, extremely anxious all the time.

GP advised me to get the school involved in supporting her, so I went in and met them. That has been great - she is assigned to a mentor who is helping her to think her way through it.

It's tricky as at a superficial level he's fine. Hasn't messed around on contact or money. But she is looking for the richness of real, deep parenting and he doesn't seem to be able to offer that. He has a stressy job and is often too busy for her or shouting at her. He left cos he wanted to work 24/7 and make big money and he's making the money now but praps beginning to realise that being a dad matters too.

She hasn't gone to his since half term and seems pretty sure that's what she wants. DD2 is still coming and going and has been very upset about her big sis' distress and I think feeling caught between them

I'm at the outer end of my capacity. Trying to keep both the kids going, support DD1 through her distress, coax her to school every day, fend off upset ex, who likes to insist it's about everything but him.

No fun! Am now trying to work out where there's some parenting support for me. I am lucky enough to live in an area where this kind of thing is taken seriously and I reckon I might be able to get some advice/support.

Sam-Barr

Sorry to go off topic , but this "acid stomach" you mention, I think a child in my close family has a similar issue (parents divorced, struggling at school and is frequently ill when worried about something, often relating to her parents or leaving one parent to go to another).
Do you happen to have any more information on this?
Glad to hear your school have been supportive! That's sometimes half the battle.

pigpen

I wouldn't force her to go.. but.. whenever it was arranged for the girls to go I would give them both the option.. and I would ask them to come to the door to at least say hello if he collected them.

It is keeping the choice open for them both.

I would have been more reluctant to go to my mothers had I felt pressured into it.

when I split from my childrens dad I had a great deal of trouble getting the boys to go.. he doesn't like them and they know it, they both have difficulties and he is disappointed and ashamed (his words not mine) so they didn't want to go.. we started off they would go for a few hours.. they appear to go willingly now.. though the children ALL complain there is nothing to do and he doesn't talk to them unless to lecture and they sit and watch tv all day.. though i know he takes them to park and cinema.. that is not what they want though they want to know he cares about them and loves them.

One of mine is a bedwetter too (she is 9) and he refused to let her wear nappies at his until she pee'd every night she was there..

YOU know your daughter best and if you have to keep her with you to make her feel safe and protected you will.. you want the best for her and the best may be to have less contact with her dad.. a couple of hours might be ok.. would she agree to go if it was just for 2 hours and she didn't have to sleep there?

gairlochgal

Sam-Barr wrote: »

Sorry to go off topic , but this "acid stomach" you mention, I think a child in my close family has a similar issue (parents divorced, struggling at school and is frequently ill when worried about something, often relating to her parents or leaving one parent to go to another).
Do you happen to have any more information on this?
Glad to hear your school have been supportive! That's sometimes half the battle.

yes it seems to be a fairly common stress reaction. It took a while for me to understand as it started when there were a lot of viruses around in Jan and I assumed it was one of those. The GP gave some antacids which worked temporarily and then stopped. He reckoned it was a placebo effect. She's improving a bit now but was throwing up 3-4 times a week throughout Jan-Feb. I've seen 2 GPs and a counsellor with her and they all say you need to get to the root of the worry - not much they can do about the acid stomach in isolation. I was advised that getting her to drink peppermint tea would ease the stomach, but haven't had much joy with that. She really hates it and I'm not up for fighting when she's already upset.