How do I persuade daughter to see her dad ?

sneezyboots

jo91 wrote: »

Sorry - just seen latest comment from sneezyboots. Eldest is absolute in her determination that she does not want to see him. I just hate the prospect of her looking back in years to come and thinking that I stopped her from having a relationship of any sorts with her dad...He doesn't deserve them..

As long as you ask them what they want to do then they will remember that when they are older and they will know it was him not making the effort. i would even go so far as to say be careful that you don't try and persuade or push them into it as if they really dislike going they may even remember it was you making them and not appreciate that.

my memories are of my mum asking and then obeying my wishes. and that of my dad not making enough effort (in my eyes writing to the courts every few years was not effort- nor were the sporadic cards. that just showed he knew where i lived and still didn't bother just trying to turn up)

PM me if you want any more details or info as i am missing bits with this being a public forum.

jo91

Sneezyboots - thanks, it's useful to get the view of someone who has gone through it as a child themselves. I have tried to pitch their visits with their dad as a positive thing - see his house, play with his new cat, think about what they would like to do when they are with him - so that it has a positive feel to it and not a 'you must go' tone to it. Youngest can put up with visits, but eldest is absolutely adamant - she called downstairs to me only 20 mins ago asking not to have to go to her dads !
They both love my bloke - he's been in their lives for 3 years now and they want to call him 'dad' because they don't feel their biological dad deserves the title.
I guess I had best get on with arrangements for how to handle the refusal at handover later on in the week and get contingency plans in place !
Thanks for the replies

Apricot

I would warn him in advance that your eldest isn't coming as you don't want him to cause a scene at the handover and upset your youngest one. Would the youngest definitely be happy to go alone?

jo91

Lilacpixie - good point - I have asked her and she is very clear she doesn't want to see him. I've also told them both that he is the one that needs to be deserving of their time - that they are both precious and that he is the one missing out on the fun (!) of bringing them up. I speak to the girls separately too, to ensure that one isn't putting pressure on the other, to say that if they want to phone their dad or see him, just to let me know and I will gte in contact with him. It's something I do from time to time to try to encourage a relationship, but they aren't interested. Littlest is only mustering up some interest this week because she is hopeful he might have some presents for them !!
Princessleah - good point, I had been holding out for eldest being 'encouraged' to want to go, but it's looking like a lost cause now. Will give it till the day before, just in case she can be persuaded, but, yes, I will forewarn him - he's not very good at handling those moments tho...

belfastgirl23

Princessleah is right, it's important to make sure that when your ex turns up at the house he knows what's going to happen. It's also important to make sure that DD 2 is happy to go without DD 1 - she might seem ok in principle but it might feel like a different thing on her own.

I also think you'll have to work very hard at talking to your ex about this. You need to be really calm and focus on your DDs needs, not be led into a discussion about 'fault' or who has done what wrong. if he wants to get into these discussions I'd say you should NOT enter into them at the time but suggest going for family mediation since you want to facilitate your daughter having a relationship with her dad. The ulterior motive being that you can make proper contact arrangements there or explore why he won't do so. You also get the moral high ground of wanting to facilitate it (which in principle you do) without having to force her to do it.

Lots of luck, it's a tricky situation and many women would have given up totally on their daughter having a relationship with her dad, you should be proud of yourself you aren't one of them.

jo91

Belfastgirl - you are right to emphasise the point princessleah made - as eldest is not going to be going, I have to take youngest aside and give her time to talk through her feelings about going alone. She is a little more easy going than her big sis, so tends to just go with the flow on her visits. But I will walk it through with her, although I think the lure of presents may entice her - the mercenary blighter !
As for discussions with the ex, we tried mediation but it didn't work - spectacularly ! He was aggressive, posturing and petty in the discussion we had. Even the mediator was clearly taken aback at how he behaves towards me - that was almost 2 years ago and he hasn't improved since. He won't look at me when I try to speak to him and when he wants to make a point at me it's all finger-pointing and aggression. It's a lost cause unfortunately.
Thank you for the support, i have genuinely wanted them to have contact with him, he used to be a good father. Guess I just have to accept he no longer is and I am flogging a dead horse.

gizmo111

If she doesn't want to see him then why should she?
A whole day and overnights may be too much for her, after the holidays then maybe think about shorter visits outside his home building up to longer stays in his home with his new partner.

I see your point about a contact order, however in reality as you are not restricting contact it means nothing as the absent parent will not be penalised for not turning up but the parent with care will be if they don't produce the child for contact. At the end of the day you cannot force someone to see their child, however wrong that is. It would be a good idea if you could make a plan together so that your children know exactly where they stand and what to expect, even if this is only a couple of hours once every 6 weks or so in theschool holidays.

ManOnTheMoon

jo91 wrote: »

Belfastgirl - you are right to emphasise the point princessleah made - as eldest is not going to be going, I have to take youngest aside and give her time to talk through her feelings about going alone. She is a little more easy going than her big sis, so tends to just go with the flow on her visits. But I will walk it through with her, although I think the lure of presents may entice her - the mercenary blighter !
As for discussions with the ex, we tried mediation but it didn't work - spectacularly ! He was aggressive, posturing and petty in the discussion we had. Even the mediator was clearly taken aback at how he behaves towards me - that was almost 2 years ago and he hasn't improved since. He won't look at me when I try to speak to him and when he wants to make a point at me it's all finger-pointing and aggression. It's a lost cause unfortunately.
Thank you for the support, i have genuinely wanted them to have contact with him, he used to be a good father. Guess I just have to accept he no longer is and I am flogging a dead horse.

I don't know the whole situation, just what you have put here, but if he has an anger issue, this could easily be your daughters issue. For example, if your current partner, who they like is non aggressive, then they won't see the bioloigcal father as 'dad' because they have a better, more safer role model in the 'new dad'.

If one of your daughters is wetting herself, I think she's obviously fearful of something and I think over time you have to find out what that is , but the main thing is she isn't put itno a position she doesn't want to be in, which causes the wetting.

Shame on biological father though for behaving the way he does. His children should be his priority.

jo91

Gizmo, my feeling on trying to maintain contact had been that,in part, without it, she would end up buidling the mental image of her dad up into being a huge monster, when, continued (but short visit) contact would counter it and eventually bridge the relationship. The visits have become shorter and shorter due to their preference. This visit was only due to be a working day - to allow me to work as I cannot afford to put them in childcare for the entire shortfall of my working days versus their 15 week school hols.
It would be good if I could broker something with their dad, but he has proved, on countless occasions that he will agree to a plan of dates/times, only to back out of any of them that he lied about agreeing to - because dates clashed with other plans. He has admitted this in an email. His word means nothing and his agreements clearly can't be relied on.
Interseting info about contact orders tho - thank you for that.
Manonthemoon- his anger issues are mainly with me. DD1 had problems from an early age staying dry - but her ability to stay dry gets challenged when she is under stress. A potential visit with dad clearly induces stress, so, I guess I must plan without her going at all...

starnight_2

I think you're great fro supporting your daughters wishes, as someone said just make the father aware of her wishes. I went through this and told the court appointed person (when I was13/14) I never wanted to see my father again. The courts decided because I didnt want to see him I didn't have to, though I think even my mother was shocked by how strong my feelings where. I'm telling you this because by the time I was 17 and going to Uni I had decided to start tentatively making contact again all supported by family members. You daughter could change her mind and it's good you will support her no matter what and at the minute she needs one parent who she feels she can rely on

(hope I made some snese it's late)