How do I persuade daughter to see her dad ?

ManOnTheMoon

jo91 wrote: »

Manonthemoon- his anger issues are mainly with me. DD1 had problems from an early age staying dry - but her ability to stay dry gets challenged when she is under stress. A potential visit with dad clearly induces stress, so, I guess I must plan without her going at all...

Not only would the potential visit from Dad induce stress, but maybe she takes on some of the stress when he hears him being angry with you or badmouthing to his current partner? If either of those instances happen, I don't know. Children take on alot more than we realise. When my girls mothers were being general pains, I had to bite my lip as I was aware of the effect it was having on them.

You are aware their is an issue, so it's about being observant and seeing what issues there are, which i'm sure you already do.

If she doesn't want to go, don't force her. When Dad wants to see her, deal with it then. I'm sure people here could offer support and advice. I've not had to deal with absent parent wanting to see children as they don't want too, so I can't say what i'd do in your situation, but naturally, daughter comes first and right now, she clearly isn't liking Dad.

jo91

Thank you for the supportive comments starnight. DD1 has already said that the next time she wants to see her dad is at his funeral - that comment took my breath away. But it is a measure of how strongly she feels - he should feel mortified if he were ever aware of it, but would probably still want to enter it into a blame game and that it was all my fault. Twit !
I have told her that she may feel differently in the future and that I will be happy for her to have a relationship with her dad when SHE is ready for it. In the meantime, they both know that I am there for them both - they are my number 1 priority without question. But it is tough doing it all solo.
Glad you have started to bridge your relationship gap with your dad - hope it's working for you.
Must go and get sleep - the little pests will be up again soon. Night all and thanks for your thoughts

gairlochgal

This is really tricky as you're trying to do the right thing in a situation where there are traps on all sides!

Mine are 12 and 9 and sound eerily like your 2. Their dad left so he could obsess about his career and is now making a ton of money - he sees them regularly but is often late and very preoccupied and stressed. They say he yells and tells them to shut up a lot. The 12 yr old has the same thing about wetting when she's stressed and the 9 yr old is more chilled all round. Big one has had the odd wobble about whether she wants to see him and I've talked her back down as it seemed like trivial stuff causing her to say she doesn't want to go. She moved to secondary school in Sept and while that has gone well it has made contact a bit more complicated and she is now very tired and wetting again. She has also taken to texting and facebooking me a lot when she's at his place and I'm uneasy about that. I have told him this week that she needs more say in the contact arrangements - expected him to go bonkers as usual but he seemed to recognise that she is growing up. She said he told her she's under no pressure to go to see him, which made her feel under pressure. Not exactly where we need to be but praps it's a bit of progress!

Sorry to ramble but thought it might be useful as we seem to be in similar situations.

jo91

Hi gairlochgal, we sound in spookily similar situations ! I, too am uneasy in being in cotact with the children when they are with their dad, would prefer that they could immerse themselves in a visit, but, given how uncomfortable they are about going, it almost feels like a lifeline to home if they can text/phone/email.
DD1 actually shouted at him on her last visit that she didn't belive that he missed them and cares about them, he didn't handle it very well. When she was having an argument with him (he's 50 for goodness sake!) she told him that she wanted him to take her home, his response was to shout back that he would point out where the nearest bus stop was and she could make her own way . How the heck that is supposed to foster a feeling of understanding and a wish to mend the relationship, I just don't know - you don't join in an argument with a child in any circumstances, but certainly not in these.
Decision now made - DD1 will not be going, DD2 will. Both are aware of their own choices. I will txt their dad the night before..
Thanks for contributions on this

Stephb1986_2

Hi Jo, you can't really force your DD to see her dad if she doesn't want to, I haven't seen my dad since I was 7 apart from once last year I bumped into him in town (not on purpose) I told him what I thought of him and the only day I want to see him is when he is dead.

If she doesn't want to see him thats up to her. Just make sure you have a nice time when she is with you. If you do make her go she might not forgive you for it and I guess you don't really want that.

Good luck

Steph xx

supermezzo

As a child with a similar biological a&sehole, I sympathise with your kids here. The strain and stress on a child when the parents don't get on is immense (please don't anyone ever be fooled by the myth that 'kids are tough/they bounce back etc').
If you add to that the lack and/or disruption of their routine, it amounts to total disrespect for the parent causing the problem.
I think she has every right to tell him she doesn't want to go and to continue to decide what she wants to do for every visit on a day by day basis. Then if she changes her mind, the door is still open for her to see him. If she doesn't, it's his loss, frankly.
Most important of all is for you to ask them what they want to do re the visits and keep it calm when discussing it. So long as you give them the option and don't mirror his lack of understanding or patience, they will see that your main concern is for them and respect you for that.
I appreciate that them not seeing him gives you no break and makes life far harder than it would be if he grew a pair and got on with being a parent, but I guess thats part of being a 'grown-up' and having to pick up the pieces when your kids get hurt.
Them putting their foot down with him might actually shock him into action (after all, who doesn't want something just because they're told that they can't have it?). Alternatively, he may make the break altogether and they will be no worse off by the sounds of it.
Like I say, keep it calm and mantain routine for them and don't let them or him see you riled - To this day, my Mum would be civil and polite to my idiot 'father' despite his passion for beating her black and blue for several years and then several more years of pychological abuse as he used me to get at her when she divorced him. I have never heard her say a bad word about him to me, and yet I have seen first hand what a monster he is and wouldn't even be in the same room as him now. Do I respect him for the broken promises of visits, treats, the weekends spent with other peoples Mums/his mates girlfriends I invariably didn't know (i.e. dumped on them once he'd picked me up), the permament character abuse of my Mother he used to berate me with, the absolute panic on a Sunday afternoon knwoing that I had no way of getting home and that in order to hurt my Mum as much as possible he would take me home later and later...Of course I don't respect him. Do I respect my Mum for maintaining her diginity about it, of course I do.
Your ex has clearly lost sight of his kids welfare and that is now evident to them as well, a fact which they will never forget or forgive him for. They have you and so long as they can rely on that, they'll be fine.

jo91

Supermezzo, thank you very much for that frank response. I'm sorry you had to go through a similar situation and can only commend your mum for her remarkable integrity in the face of such a louse. I am trying to gain some dignity (and, let's face it, moral high ground) from this by behaving calmly and speaking reasonably about him. After the initial fall-out period when I was extremely raw, the worst way I now refer to him is to talk about his behaviour being foolish and that he is the one missing out on being part of these 2 wonderful girls growing up. Conversely, they have heard him bad-mouth me to his 1st ex-wife and heard her join in. That has only served to galvanise them more against him, her and his eldest children by the 1st ex. On each occasion that DD1 tells me that she doesn't want to see him, I check with her again before I sort the practicalities of him picking them up - just to make sure that she hasn't changed her mind and reassure her that it is not a problem if she wants to see him. In doing so, I am trying to give her some control over her situation. The girls are due to see him tomorrow and he has sent a txt this morning to stipulate what time he neds to bring them back home. I had to bite my lip so that I didn't immediately send a retaliatory text highlighting that given this attitude it is no surprise that both girls are reluctant to visit him.
BTW- loved the comment about him growing a pair - even more relevant given that I prompted him to get the snip some time before we split :rotfl:

supermezzo

It might be worth 'arming' the kids with a couple of stock phrases such as 'I'm here because I want to be/I made my own decision etc'. Saves them being told by him that you're making their decisions for them. As ever when one parent shuns their responsibilities in this way, the child ends up being the parent and thinking for the grown up.

dizziblonde

I was 10 and I made the judgement call on my own that I didn't want to see moron-boy. My mum tried for ages to make me, worried that the courts would feel she'd tried to "deny" him access - but I just did not want to go, sit around bored, and be dumped on his trollop's kid to entertain me since he couldn't be bothered with me.

I don't ever think my mother denied me the chance to have a relationship with him - he did it himself by being a prat.

Joelleski

My husband doesn't shun his responsibilities to his daughter, never has. This is supposed to be his first Christmas with his daughter this year, and now at 13 years of age (her mother wouldn't let him see her at Christmas before) she is now trotting out the "I've made my own decision, and I'm not coming" line. She changed her mind, but now the mother is playing silly b*ggers, wont let us have the passport (we're going abroad first thing in the morning to spend Christmas with the grandparents, who incidentally will be their first Christmas together with their grandaughter), and we don't know if we're going with her or not. Please all of you who have said they won't force their children to visit their fathers, sometimes there is another side to the story. This whole episode is killing hubby, thanks to the mother who won't "force" their daughter to go.

I’m sorry, this thread touched a nerve. L