How do I persuade daughter to see her dad ?

jo91

I would appreciate the thoughts and experiences of any other people who may have been through something similar.
I've been divorced from my daughters' dad for some time - split up over 3 years ago. It's been quite acrimonious, fundamentally because he wanted to oust us from the family home and fought a laborious and unpleasant battle over it, anyway, that bit is done and dusted. We have both met new partners, life goes on. I was happy for him to have regular access, which he kept to for the first year or so, however, he has become more beligerent about planned access fitting in with his personal plans. This has escalated over the last year to him actually refusing to see them a nuber of times during school holidays (to make life difficult for me - I work in an office) but him failing to spot that the children are stuck in the middle of all this. (He is a teacher.) This has not been lost on the children (aged 7 and 9) and now they are very reluctant to see him. Eldest had problems previously with bedwetting but we had sorted it out about a year ago. On the last occasion that she was due to see her dad (a couple of months ago), it flared up again - she was wet for almost a week beforehand and several days afterwards. She is now due to see him again - just for 1 day, not even an overnight stay and is already getting distressed.
I've tried discussing it with him, but he will not talk to me and she is, reasonably, concerned about telling him how much she dislikes him and then being stuck with him for a full day.
How far should I go in trying to encourage her to go without it feeling like I'm forcing her ? I need to work and I also need a little time away from my darling children in order to be a better parent, but at this rate I'm never going to get it.
Any suggestions/comments gratefully received.

ManOnTheMoon

Sorry, I can't be much help, but my girls don't want to see their Mothers and i'm not going to force them.

The reason I can't really help, is that I don't really want them to see their Mothers anyway and their Mothers don't want to see them either, although it seems your girls Father hasn't been exactly craving to see his girls.

What I would ask, are they aware of the reasons you split? As this may affect them and possibly blame him? Also, how are they with your new partner? Do they maybe see him as Dad? How is their biological fathers behaviour towards them?

Sorry lots of questions...

nearlyrich

Sounds so much like my ex, he would just not turn up of he thought it would screw up my plans, he favored our son over our daughter. At 9 she was reluctant to go so I told him she was bored he never included her in what was happening and she didn't want to go. He said she desn't have to come she said right I won't and he has never attempted to have a relationship with her since ( she is 22 now) he stopped sending cards and presents at Christmas and birthdays. Totally his loss she is a wonderful daughter and he has no relationship with her. Don't let her be upset, he doesn't deserve a relationship with her, and I know there are lot's of men who do nothing wrong but lose access to their chldren, life is so unfair sometimes.

sneezyboots

i would say ask her outright if she wants to see him or not and if she says no don't make her. i never knew my dad and he tried for access a few times, my mum would ask me if i wanted to see him and i would say no and that would be that (well after telling a social worker too once because he told the courts my mum must be lying). just let her know that if in the future she ever does want to see him then that you will always be there for her and never begrudge her that.

Misstress

Why do some men do this, i really dont understand what goes through their heads? Why can they only think about themselves?

jo91

Thanks for the replies. My girls' dad claims that he loves them and wants to see them, but actions speak louder than words. He has cancelled planned access dates and turned up late on purpose (to inconvenience me on my birthday) his attitude has become quite erratic towards the contact he claims to want. In a recent exchange he stated that he had a new life and that the dates needed to fit in with him !!!!!! ? We split initially because he would not make any time in our marriage for me as a partner and I spent 2 years trying to get across to him that the couple within the marriage were important...not just his work. Cut to today and his work is still important, and his youngest children are way down on the priority list.
I stopped contact in order that he would get a formal contact order in place - formalised and we would both have to stick to it (wouldn't have been a problem for me). But he has decided not to pursue it because, on third hand information, he has been told that they are too costly and time-consuming. Says a lot about how much he wants to see the children doesn't it.
So, much as I want then to have contact, he is doing nothing to assist it and nothing to pursue it.

jo91

Sorry - just seen latest comment from sneezyboots. Eldest is absolute in her determination that she does not want to see him. I just hate the prospect of her looking back in years to come and thinking that I stopped her from having a relationship of any sorts with her dad...He doesn't deserve them..

ManOnTheMoon

Misstress wrote: »

Why do some men do this, i really dont understand what goes through their heads? Why can they only think about themselves?

Don't think it's just men.

jo91 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. My girls' dad claims that he loves them and wants to see them, but actions speak louder than words. He has cancelled planned access dates and turned up late on purpose (to inconvenience me on my birthday) his attitude has become quite erratic towards the contact he claims to want. In a recent exchange he stated that he had a new life and that the dates needed to fit in with him !!!!!! ? We split initially because he would not make any time in our marriage for me as a partner and I spent 2 years trying to get across to him that the couple within the marriage were important...not just his work. Cut to today and his work is still important, and his youngest children are way down on the priority list.
I stopped contact in order that he would get a formal contact order in place - formalised and we would both have to stick to it (wouldn't have been a problem for me). But he has decided not to pursue it because, on third hand information, he has been told that they are too costly and time-consuming. Says a lot about how much he wants to see the children doesn't it.
So, much as I want then to have contact, he is doing nothing to assist it and nothing to pursue it.

You are correct. Actions speak louder than words.

For me, children are the most important thing. Yes, work is important to finance them, but he's not living with you. Does he make any kind of contribution towards them?

It sounds to me like his job is his baby and he may realise too late that he has his priorities all wrong.

I would doubt your children would think you stopped her from seeing her father. If she is the one saying she doesn't want to see him, then she is making that decision. She isn't being told 'no' by you. He doesn't deserve his children to want to see him, which is as sad on his part as it is for your daughter. It would be good to find out the reasons why from her.

LilacPixie

I have no first hand or even second hand experience in this but i would say if your daughter is determined she does not want to see him and she is getting distressed to the point of bedwetting then she simply does not see him.

Is she mature for her age. If so could you have a talk with her and ask her what she wants, she is the one to make the choice, you are happy to support her if she choses to not see her father and you will equally support her if in future she wants contact.

jo91

Thanks Manonthemoon, I guess I feel that, given the strength of eldest's feelings, I really shouldn't force her to see him (last time, she sent me several texts and a couple of emails, when she got chance, telling me how she coulnd't wait to come home). The girls feel irrelevant and their position in his home is almost as bit-part actors...He and his girlfriend make little effort and don't indulge them even a little when they are with them. He shouts at them (I do too and have challenged this when they explain their feelings), but, against the backdrop of the fact that he sees them for perhaps 1 day in 2 months, it takes on a greater proportion.
His job has always been of more significance. I work also, but I know that I work to support my family life - I don't live to work. I chose to have children and they deserve to be treasured. My boss won't be there at my deathbed saying - hey - you did a great job for all those years - shame you missed out on your family life...
BTW, how on earth have you survived as a single dad to 7 girls ?!?! Well done you !!

ManOnTheMoon

jo91 wrote: »

Thanks Manonthemoon, I guess I feel that, given the strength of eldest's feelings, I really shouldn't force her to see him (last time, she sent me several texts and a couple of emails, when she got chance, telling me how she coulnd't wait to come home). The girls feel irrelevant and their position in his home is almost as bit-part actors...He and his girlfriend make little effort and don't indulge them even a little when they are with them. He shouts at them (I do too and have challenged this when they explain their feelings), but, against the backdrop of the fact that he sees them for perhaps 1 day in 2 months, it takes on a greater proportion.
His job has always been of more significance. I work also, but I know that I work to support my family life - I don't live to work. I chose to have children and they deserve to be treasured. My boss won't be there at my deathbed saying - hey - you did a great job for all those years - shame you missed out on your family life...
BTW, how on earth have you survived as a single dad to 7 girls ?!?! Well done you !!

I think you would be wise not to force her if she really doesn't want to go. Maybe he shouts at her worse when you are not around, maybe it's not always him, maybe his girlfriend tells them off as well? It sounds to me as if she would be better off without him and if and when she wants to see him, deal with it then. She needs to feel safe and wanted and if my being with her dad she doesn't feel those things, it's best to protect her. When her Dad wants to see her, worry about that then.

Working is merely to support your family. I chose to work from home. I could get more money elsewhere, but I don't overly indulge and it means i'm there 24/7 for my girls if they need me without having to ask the boss for some time off.

I've been single for just over 3 years, although people will argue i've been a single parent since 16yo was born - yes, neither of the 2 mothers were much cop and neither want anything to do with them, but I know they are better off for it and they feel that way too, that's why I can say, don't force your girl, as you don't want the tears mine cried 3 years ago with self blame, when it wasn't their fault - although i'm sure you have dealt with the tears. I'm not sure I deserve much praise, the girls get that for being easy to parent, compared to some of their friends anyway New girlfriend is also flavour of the month, so I have help now...not so Mr Independent anymore

Keep us up to date with any developments and I hope your girl gets through okay.