I'm expected to help more than brother

mountainofdebt

When there was a strong chance my mum had breast cancer 2 years ago, I came to the conculsion that my sister, who lived about 150 miles away, would be as much use as a chocolate teapot and that the care of my mum would fall to me.

Whilst I can see that I would have done it and that it would make logical sense as I live only a few miles it upset me as I knew she would be useless even for moral support.

I quickly came to the conclusion that for my own mental health it would be better to factor her out of the equation and if I got any support then to treat it as a bonus.

I know its hard but could it be that your parents expect more from you as a daughter than him ?

MrsTinks

When my stepdad has a breakdown some years ago I had a call saying "please come home..." I was on the next plane at a HUGE cost...
My step siblings (HIS children) got there AFTER me, moaned about the cost of the train (which my mum paid them for) - the things they'd have to cancel (not work - neither worked at the time! I however did!) and I was unceremoniously pushed to one side by my stepsister because "He's not YOUR dad you know!"... well yeah I know thanks...

And I bit my lip, made all the dinners, lunches, played taxi and supported my mum, younger half brother and step dad as much as I could whilst I was there...

Why? Because I'm NOT my step siblings....


ETA - I wonder what they'll say when eventually their dad passes away and they discover there isn't any equity in the house that they were hoping to live off for several years... They weren't happy to have to sign agreements that the surviving spouse would be able to live in the house as long as they wished or until they passed before ANY claims could be made on the property OR any items in the house... they signed when our parents made clear if they didn't they would be excluded from the will completely... My younger brother and I signed it without question. People just have different views on life's priorities...

I'm sure there should have been money left to me in my grandparents will - however I also know that my dad had HUGE expenses looking after them in the last few years and I have no issue with him having every penny there might have been left so I have never asked for it or questioned it... and it's not like we couldn't do with it My dad just matters more to me than money...

Nixer

I am sorry for your situation, it sounds a bit similar to mine although my brother and I live much nearer to mum. My mum doesn't drive and lives in a rural area and hence needs help with shopping etc. She also had a bad fall at home about 6 weeks ago and has been housebound since getting out of hospital 4 weeks ago. My brother has visited once since she got out of hospital.

What helped me was to recognise that:
1) I couldn't do anything to change my brother's behaviour.
2) My mum doesn't actually think my brother is selfish. She just seems to expect me to do more because I'm female. I can't do anything about her attitude either much as it stinks.
3) Most important: I decided to help my mum to a level that I was just about comfortable with and not do any more than that if possible. I learnt to say "no". Although that went out the window a bit when she had her fall.
4) I recognised that I have limited time and energy and that being angry with my brother and mother wasn't helping. So now I ignore my brother and try to let my mother's behaviour wash over. It's very difficult sometimes though.

I guess I am saying it's ok to put yourself first. I don't think stirring it about the will would help. Ultimately the will is about your parents' wishes and as unfair as it is, if they want to will things in one way or another it is their decision and their property to will.

Hope the operation goes well.

alm721

I have this but in a slightly different way as its my grandma that reallly needs help and my father and his sister both really couldn't give a s**t. My grandma spends more time with my mother (who was divorced from my father 20 years ago) than with her own son or daughter. She will be spending christmas and boxing day as she always does at either my house or my mums. I think her daughter may be coming for a couple of hours on the 27th and no doubt my dad will be away as he usually is. All the times shes had problems/been in hospital/needed caring for its me that drops everything and goes and they come up with a million reasons why they cant. The fact that I have a full time job and 2 young kids is apparently lost on them. Actually no I dont think it is because even if I could'nt go I don't think it would make a jot of difference their soloution would be to just put her in a home.
I honestly am embarrassed to be related to the pair of them and cannot understand how someone like my grandma and grandad who would have done anything for anyone could have produced two of the most selfish prats that every walked this earth. What makes it all worse is that my grandma won't hear a word said against them especially the daughter and will tell anyone who will listen how she would come if she could only she has to be at home for the kids (who are 18 and 10) and she doesn't work.

Sorry I could post loads more but going to stop now as Im ranting and toatlly missing the point that I was trying to make which is that some people are just selfish and no amount of wanting them to care will make them change.
Believe me I spent many many years trying to convince myself that my dad had reasons for the way he behaved, I finally realised he did hes a selfish prat and not worth bothering with. Sometimes you just need to accept it and move on as you will only tormet yourself dwelling on it.

Yes your brother is being selfish and I'm sure your mum and dad feel it but he won't change and you'd only upset yourself trying to make him. As others have suggested I would just get on with it as if you were an only child and expect he won't be there. He will never share the help with you if he isn't willing to do so now and you will only be annoyed again each time doesn't. If you expect nothing from him he won't dissapoint you.

terra_ferma

I think you are right to be pixed off!
It is well documented by research that caring responsibilities (children, parents etc) are not shared equally between men and women (with the effect this has on careers, quality of life and own health).

Nixer's advice is really good, I totally agree with her!
After all people like your brother will continue to take the pixx for as long as there are women who are prepared to be taken advantage of!

Sad though about the will, looks like when the time comes it could turn really nasty.... it's just money after all.

Morglin

ninjalass wrote: »

Dad is going in for heart surgery next week, mum begged me to take time off work which I've managed to do. My brother who's been home 3 times this year doesn't have to.

Prodigal son has returned home for 3 time this year today. He won't help out at all and I'm expected to do everything next week.

We both live about 150 miles away (me slightly further).

I'm tempted to tell them in new year that as brother can't be bothered to help out as much I won't be going home as much (I go home at least 1 per month sometimes more).

Mum is in remission and I nursed her through that too whilst he got away with it again.

He gets away with everything and I'm getting annoyed at his behaviour and them rewarding him as a prodigal son everytime.

What would others do?

I'm in a similar boat, and although I don't mind what I do for my parents, I do get a little weary of my brother ("Goldenballs", as we call him lol), being held up as so totally wonderful if he summons up the energy to do as much as phone them once a week.:rolleyes:

I think perhaps with our parent's generation, it's a gender thing - women are sort of expected to do this sort of thing.

Lin

beverleyhills

I think perhaps with our parent's generation, it's a gender thing - women are sort of expected to do this sort of thing.

Lin [/QUOTE]

'My son is my son till he gets him a wife but my daughter's my daughter all the days of her life' Late 17th century proverb.

It still colours the thinking of many people. I can understand that you feel resentful. Try to get rid of that feeling and concentrate on yourself and what you are able to do for your parents.

I have always found that you get out of life what you put into it. Rewards can come in strange and different ways usually when you need them most.

terra_ferma

Morglin wrote: »

I'm in a similar boat, and although I don't mind what I do for my parents, I do get a little weary of my brother ("Goldenballs", as we call him lol), being held up as so totally wonderful if he summons up the energy to do as much as phone them once a week.:rolleyes:

I think perhaps with our parent's generation, it's a gender thing - women are sort of expected to do this sort of thing.

Lin

I agree with what you say, but I would add that unless we do something about it things won't change...

jellyhead

Call your brother and say you can only have 2 weeks off work, so can he cover the other 2 weeks your parents need help for?

Over the last few years it's become clear that some of my gran's kids will get down on their hands and knees to help her out when she has a fall etc. no matter how many other things they have on their plate, while others can barely bother to pick up the phone. Gran is excited because one son phones her while she's in hospital and another nips up for a quick visit because it's on his way to buy a paper, while her other children are busy cleaning out her flat, painting, replacing carpets, doing her washing etc.

It's irritating, but what can you do. Pointing out how useless the others are being is like saying 'they clearly don't love you' and who would do that to someone they love?

Perhaps there's something you can do to force your brother to help out more though, by putting him in a position where he can't say no. I don't know how though, I'm a wet blanket.

littlemissmoney

ninjalass wrote: »

Dad is going in for heart surgery next week, mum begged me to take time off work which I've managed to do.

I would feel totally ashamed if my mum had to beg me to look after my sick dad. :rolleyes: