I'm expected to help more than brother

perplexed.com

Crikey. Why should balking at being expected to help more then a son be taken to mean that a daughter wouldn't willingly do as much as she can for her parents? Just think how much help and support parents would get if both gave them as much help as possible.

I just don't see how being male allows you to ignore your parents when they need you.

jellyhead

tandraig wrote: »

sorry if this is a bit blunt hun - Is your bro mentally ill?

I wondered if he has some sort of problem. Maybe he doesn't invite you in because he's ashamed of his house not being tidy? I personally see nothing 'wrong' in his wearing old scruffy clothes (maybe he's an MSE'er?), but it might be an indication that he's depressed, ill, etc? Maybe the thought of organising someone else's life scares him if he's not coping with his own?

ninjalass

I think him and his OH have issues - not seen her for 4+ years and about the same before that, wanted to see mum before she started chemo - that was July 05? Parents not allowed to go to theirs, "not mutually convienient" in 7 years we're not the cleanest /tidyest ourselves and would like to see where they call home? He won't cut his hair (balding on top, long n greasy at back) as "she likes it that way". He still wears his University clothes, i.e tatty jogging pants, faded t-shirts, too small jeans out for meals as best clothes - he's 35, (I use old clothes around house / garden but they're not best clothes)! We give him clothes vouchers b-day / Christmas, he bought shoes 2 years ago when he fell over in snow as the "soles came off as I had them at school" he won't pay to re-sole. When he lived at home her mum wouldn't allow him to stay at her house - he had to go and stay in a hotel everytime. OH was seeing 3 lads about the same time they started seeing each other. He would be told to smarten up at my workplace.

I'm a failure to him - and doesn't he like to tell me about his MA (you know the sort, brains of the family but no common sense) and me dropping out, but at 3.5 years younger than him I've got a better and younger car (mine's 10 yo), nicer house (ok about 3 times his mortgage - I bought last year but less LTV than his and probably paid off before he does if he doesn't watch out). I'll be on more money than him in my current job in less than 2 years, more if I go for promotion elsewhere. But he's got an easy degree in comparison to what I started and didn't have health worries. But as mum and dad took me to hospital to get health sorted (getting worse), they clearly favour me more than him because they took me to hospital?

tandraig

sorry hun - am begining to think that your bro has mental health issues you know nothing about. and yours are becoming apparent from your posts. do you have a social worker? discuss this with them hun its upsetting you.

ninjalass

Tandraig - maybe as English isn't my first language my messages are mixed?

I was told recently I was depressed but considering I have a worsening injury which I will probably need surgery on in 2010 and as I had pre-existing can't get insurance on it, I have to ensure I have enough funds to pay my mortgage. The injury is worse in bad weather, when I'm stressed, been basically doing too much which includes driving excessively (300 round trip to theirs), which as he's not helping my parents and leaving everything to me I am doing too much. I can't have a lodger due to work.

I took mum to her hospital appointments, operations, radiotherapy, chemotherapy he didn't even visit her at home when she was having treatment.

I have taken dad to hospital for his tests, I've taken a further 7 days from work to help them take them to hospital watch after him when he gets home etc. He will not take a day off to help.

He has never taken them out for a day out, never driven them anywhere. I've taken them on holiday, driven them all over UK to see family and friends.

I've subbed them money to buy a car, repair the house; he refuses to lend them money. He owes us all money which we'll probably never see.

I've spent all but 4 weekends since September at their home to help them out with things, he's visited 1 - for 7 hours, which he slept for 4. I will spend the next 3 weekends with them.

If he went home sorted stuff out for them I could save some of the petrol money to go towards my mortgage / bills when I need surgery. I wouldn't be as depresssed as I might be able to sort out my injury if I rest enough. I can't as I'll be driving to hospital etc all the time.

I'll have used most of my leave to help my parents out. He does nothing and won't use his leave to see them when they need him.

tandraig

ninjalass - i dont want to sound judgemental - but the more you say about your brother the more i wonder if he has probs. you say he goes around in clothes years old - he wont let you into his house - he avoids you. it could be he is living in extreme poverty. you say he blames you for things that happened when you were a child - paranoia? severe depression, manic depression? or schizophrenia?
If you suffer from depression - couldnt he too? maybe a more extreme form?
hun - i wish i could help you - really do.