Tricky situation

OJQ1982

I did give a monkeys. I made a mistake by sleeping with him when he had a girlfriend but quickly put a stop to it. I admit it was a terrible thing to do, and it played heavily on my conscience. (still does). It is not something I am proud of or would do again.
Unfortunately that's what's happened and it can't be changed now. Although we have both lied to various people, I do trust him and trust is built up throughout a relationship. We are only in the very very start of a relationship and he will have to earn my complete trust, as any new boyfriend would.

Unfortunately telling our friends will be a different matter all together, and that was something that has been worrying me for a while. Although I am sure they will eventually understand and they all know we are extremely close. We will sit them all down at some point and tell them what's going on. So far only our mutual female friend knows, and whilst she does not approve of what has happened over the past couple of months she can see that we have something special between us, and is willing to support us both in whatever we decide to do.

kiddy_guy

Quickly put a stop to it? So you just slept with him the once then..? No...

You've got what you wanted - just don't expect a round of applause...

OJQ1982

kiddy_guy wrote: »

Quickly put a stop to it? So you just slept with him the once then..? No...

You've got what you wanted - just don't expect a round of applause...

Yes I only slept with him once AFTER he got back with his ex.

soupface

OP, you've had about eighty thousand lectures already, which is good because I'm crap at them. These circumstances aren't exactly the most auspicious to begin a relationship in, as you must know! I don't think it would hurt for you to know the general gist of what was going on with him and his ex. If you do discuss it and he goes into some detail, mentions specific instances etc. which don't relate to you in any way - that would reassure you at least that his breaking up with her wasn't a snap decision and wasn't fuelled by his powerful crush on you. The last thing you need is for her to resurface, especially since your social circles seem to overlap a bit. I'm sure this guy means well, but if he is a commitment phobe, he might be the type to have lots of tumultuous and conflicting feelings and not really know what to do about them. Now that he has broken up with her, this is the time that he could easily be struck by indecision, regret or fear, or things he might interpret as such - so you have to be honest with yourself, and him, and just take it very carefully. Try to keep it relaxed and don't overthink it. If it's supposed to work out, it will! Good luck.

OJQ1982

soupface wrote: »

OP, you've had about eighty thousand lectures already, which is good because I'm crap at them. These circumstances aren't exactly the most auspicious to begin a relationship in, as you must know! I don't think it would hurt for you to know the general gist of what was going on with him and his ex. If you do discuss it and he goes into some detail, mentions specific instances etc. which don't relate to you in any way - that would reassure you at least that his breaking up with her wasn't a snap decision and wasn't fuelled by his powerful crush on you. The last thing you need is for her to resurface, especially since your social circles seem to overlap a bit. I'm sure this guy means well, but if he is a commitment phobe, he might be the type to have lots of tumultuous and conflicting feelings and not really know what to do about them. Now that he has broken up with her, this is the time that he could easily be struck by indecision, regret or fear, or things he might interpret as such - so you have to be honest with yourself, and him, and just take it very carefully. Try to keep it relaxed and don't overthink it. If it's supposed to work out, it will! Good luck.

Thanks. I know we need a massively long chat about things and what exactly went on with his ex and him. We are definately going to take things slowly, go on a few dates etc. I am NOT going to sleep with him again yet, which will be hard but worth it.
Despite the fact we know each other so well, it's never been in these circumstances, and I think it will take a lot of getting used to in our friendship group. I think just going out for dinner together, to the cinema etc is what we need to do at first, and then just be the same as we always were around our friends until things settle down.
I don't know if he has told his ex about me or not, I didn't ask him. But she didn't mention anything to our friend so I don't think so. I think it's probably best that way, and she isn't close enough with any of our mates to keep in contact.

kegg_2

what goes around comes around so dont be surprised if further down the line you are the one making a pnone call in the middle of the night sobbing to a friend.

ceridwen

Well - I'm glad things have worked out.

It hasnt turned into a long drawnout messy situation - so thats something.

I think it is indeed the best thing to take things slowly in starting off this relationship.

It sounds like there is a reasonable chance that you both feel the same way about each other. That relationship with the other woman concerned was never that likely to be a long-term one I would imagine - as she actually basically lives abroad and, even though she is in Britain at the moment, she is the other end of the country. Long-distance relationships rarely do work out to be "stayers".

So - just play it slowly and all will become clearer as time goes on.

Ruby_Moon

OJQ1982 wrote: »

It's all become pretty academic now anyway.
I had a phone call late last night from him, he wasn't going to see his parents at all, he was going to see his girlfriend to break up with her.
He called me to tell me how he felt about me, and was pretty convinced I wouldn't feel the same.
He said he knew I just wanted him for casual sex (!) but that he had fallen for me and couldn't carry on the way things were. He said he had tried to supress his feelings in order to make things work with his girlfriend but that what we have is too special to forget about.
We are going to take it slowly as both of us are a bit fragile at the moment anyway.
We were on the phone until about 3am. He's getting the train back this morning and we are going to see each other this afternoon to discuss things properly.
I'm so relieved, I knew it wasn't possible that it was just me feeling this way.
Thanks for all posts, I know what we were doing was wrong but it's over between them now. I had a phone call from another friend this morning to tell me his ex had called her in the middle of the night crying and saying he had broken up with her, so I know he's not lying.

I have never read anything else in all my life that screams out at me "Blantant untruths to prove others wrong". :rolleyes:
You are just wasting everyone's time.

OJQ1982

ceridwen wrote: »

Well - I'm glad things have worked out.

It hasnt turned into a long drawnout messy situation - so thats something.

I think it is indeed the best thing to take things slowly in starting off this relationship.

It sounds like there is a reasonable chance that you both feel the same way about each other. That relationship with the other woman concerned was never that likely to be a long-term one I would imagine - as she actually basically lives abroad and, even though she is in Britain at the moment, she is the other end of the country. Long-distance relationships rarely do work out to be "stayers".

So - just play it slowly and all will become clearer as time goes on.

Thank you. Yeah you are right about the long distance thing, that was the reason the relationship broke down before and ultimately they were never going to be in the same place.

We are meeting in a coffee shop in about an hour so that it's neutral territory and no one feels pressurised etc. So we shall see how it goes and take things one step at a time.

OJQ1982

Ruby_Moon wrote: »

I have never read anything else in all my life that screams out at me "Blantant untruths to prove others wrong". :rolleyes:
You are just wasting everyone's time.

That's fine if you think that. I do not have any interest in proving anyone wrong, especially people that I don't know on an internet forum.
I had a situation which was stopping me sleeping and I didn't know where else to go for advice as it wasn't like I could really tell my friends.
Things had got significantly more heated since Thursday when we last saw each other and obviously he could feel that too which is why the move was made to split up with her.
If I was after proving people wrong I would not have bothered to post the fact that I was doing something I knew to be wrong, I would have painted myself as an angel, which I have most certainly not been in all of this.