Tricky situation

OJQ1982

downcdebt wrote: »

In my experience, I would try and steer well clear of someone who admits (either directly or indirectly) that they are a committment phobe. Usually they have a few issues (eg if they have been divorced, been through hell...) or they are just trying to put it about and keep their options open. Please please dont waste your precious time and energy on someone who can not stand up and say "I want to be with you, I will try and make it work" And then follow that through with actions.

I wasted many many years of my life on someone who I kept hoping would 'come round'. We too, were great friends. But all that happened is that I watched my friends, find people, get married, have children and basically move on with their lives while I feel like I have been left in limbo....(during this time we were in a relationship, but he was only 90% committed in his heart, I feel)

Sorry, I feel like I have turned this into a post about me! But seriously be careful. Maybe you need some time apart from him to get some perspective. If someone wants to be with you, really be with you then they will stand up and be counted.

I realise this is not what you probabaly want to hear, and maybe I'm wrong, but just sharing my experience.

Take care of yourself, look afteryourself and dont let yourself be used xx

Thank you for your post. I do deep down realise that he will let me know if he wants to be with me. My main concern I think is that he might not realise how I feel, therefore he hasn't got the full info to make an informed decision.
I also agree that being scared of commitment isn't a great quality in a man, however I also want to take things slowly and despite being nearly 27 the way things are with my career I have about 7 or 8 years until I will be ready to settle down properly. He has a similar life timeline (we are in the same career), but he is nearly 30.

OJQ1982

ceridwen wrote: »

Totally disagree with the idea of giving the "whole friendship circle a wide berth". I think that would be absolutely the wrong thing to do. That would leave OP feeling isolated and the rest of her friends wondering what THEY had done wrong to cause OP to withdraw from them.

Bad advice I feel there.

What I think generally is that its understandable OP slept with the guy in the first place - as she thought, at that time, that he was "available". My suggestion would be to carry on with life exactly as normal - including seeing this guy JUST as a friend (if you can handle that emotionally). Leave it with him as to whether the relationship continues - if he wants it enough he will be "back" and setting things right in that direction. If he doesn't want it enough - then he remains just the friend he used to be in the first place.

I think you have hit the nail on the head here. There is just no way I can cut out my friends as they are literally everything to me. If I hadn't had such an incredible group of friends I would have had nothing (including a roof over my head) when I split up with my ex. They all deserve a medal for what they have done for me these past few months (I have sent them all letters to thank them) and cutting them out would be cruel and counterproductive for me.

I also agree about seeing him just as a friend. This is pretty much what we have been doing for the past 5 weeks or so. I would never want him out of my life, even if he gets a different girlfriend, or stays with this one. I couldn't imagine not spending time with him.

I am doing pretty well with carrying on as normal, after 4 months my head is in a better place with regards to my ex, and I am able to spend time around this guy either alone or with friends without getting upset.
I know his girlfriend but not very well as she used to live abroad. I do not want to carry on the physical side of things while he is with her as she is a nice girl and has done nothing to deserve it.

I think I have decided my course of action - carry on as normal, but I don't know whether to tell him how I feel first to give him the chance to make his mind up. I know him well enough to know that if I did tell him and he didn't feel the same, we could carry on as we were before. It wouldn't make things awkward or weird.

OJQ1982

glossgal wrote: »

No offence intented OP but you sound a little intense on the relationship front. You split with your ex who you 'loved so much' and almost immediately got with this fella who you now say is 'the man I'm meant to be with' ...why don't you just chill and enjoy being young?! I don't mean that to sound patronising as I'm not much older than you but really, what's the rush?

I think this man is ultimately doing what lots of men do-taking it when it's for the taking. I don't doubt he likes you and that you are good friends or that he is a good bloke but men like sex and if they can get it they will enjoy it and worry about the complicated stuff later. If a person is in a crappy relationship that gives them no peasure then they would leave it. I hate to say so but if this guy has no kids or financial ties with his girlfriend then if he really wanted you he would be with you

I totally and utterly agree that getting in to a relationship straight away is not ideal. But we can't always choose the timings of these things can we? I was totally intent on remaining single, and if things don't go well with this man I will. I have no interest in having "a boyfriend", it's him I want, not the idea of a companion. I am young, but we aren't kids, I'm 27 next week and he's 29.

You might well be right, maybe he would leave his girlfriend if he really wanted to be with me. I think only time will tell.

Gingham_Ribbon

OJQ1982 wrote: »

I totally and utterly agree that getting in to a relationship straight away is not ideal. But we can't always choose the timings of these things can we? I was totally intent on remaining single, and if things don't go well with this man I will. I have no interest in having "a boyfriend", it's him I want, not the idea of a companion. I am young, but we aren't kids, I'm 27 next week and he's 29.

You might well be right, maybe he would leave his girlfriend if he really wanted to be with me. I think only time will tell.

Do you mean that you're prepared to carry on as things are, as the other woman, until he does something about it?!

lynzpower

OJQ1982 wrote: »

I think it was the timing. His getting back with this girl was on the cards already, and I was just out of a major, major relationship. Things have also developed big time since then.

Also, she didn't only move slightly closer, she moved from a different continent to the same country.

Im sorry I dont buy this.

I wouldnt get back with an ex because the man I really wanted had just come out of a heavy relationship- I would be patient & wait for her to be ready ( if at all)

What this signals is that the distance was too much then- now its bearable, so he will do it. I dont know what his motivation is to be honest, if you know his so well, how comes he is willing to choose a relationship that isnt "that great".

You will never know the truth, no one knows the truth about me & my OHs relationship- my best freinds know what I tell them, but somethings are sacred that noone but me & my OH will share.

OJQ1982

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

Do you mean that you're prepared to carry on as things are, as the other woman, until he does something about it?!

I don't see any other option to be honest. I am not being "the other woman" any more, we are not having a physical relationship, and I will not do that again unless he breaks up with her. I mean carrying on as friends.

OJQ1982

lynzpower wrote: »

Im sorry I dont buy this.

I wouldnt get back with an ex because the man I really wanted had just come out of a heavy relationship- I would be patient & wait for her to be ready ( if at all)

What this signals is that the distance was too much then- now its bearable, so he will do it. I dont know what his motivation is to be honest, if you know his so well, how comes he is willing to choose a relationship that isnt "that great".

You will never know the truth, no one knows the truth about me & my OHs relationship- my best freinds know what I tell them, but somethings are sacred that noone but me & my OH will share.

I realise that I don't know the truth about his girlfriend, particularly as we do not discuss her or their relationship. Outward appearances would suggest that they are not miserable (they only see each other once in a while), but not happy either. I am as sure as I can be that he will, eventually, with or without a push from me, split up with her. If he doesn't then I will obviously have to accept that he doesn't have strong enough feelings for me, and is in love with her.

lynzpower

If you are close, why do you not discuss the relationship- have you ever discussed it? Is that his choice or yours?

OJQ1982

lynzpower wrote: »

If you are close, why do you not discuss the relationship- have you ever discussed it? Is that his choice or yours?

She is just never ever mentioned. I think it's both of our choices. I don't want to talk about her really, and I think he senses that I don't want to. He doesn't talk about her alot to anyone, he never did even when they were together last year. But to me, or in my earshot, she is literally not even discussed in passing.
When I think about it it is slightly odd, and I'm not 100% sure of the reasons.

Minimum_Wage_2

the long and short of it is that you want something to happen but your just unsure whether you should.

my honest opinion is that you both sit down and you take the bull by the horns! you tell him how you really feel about him and what you would like to happen, then he does the same and tells you what he wants to happen.

that way you will know where you stand.

if you both want the same thing then things will have to change! if you both want different things then you are going to have to pull back and not see each other so much due to your feelings and what is going on.