Tricky situation

OJQ1982

I have registered under a new username for anonymity.
I need some help/advice on a situation that I have got myself in to.

I split up with my long term childhood sweetheart (I am mid 20s), about 4 months or so ago. I was devestated as I loved him so much. About 6 weeks later, I was being consoled by a very close male friend, when things got heated and we ended up sleeping together. He was very kind, sweet and lovely about it all. He is very very attractive, and most women I know would kill to get anywhere near him. He is funny, deep, successfull and just generally amazing. We click like I've never clicked with anyone before in my life. I know people will say it's just rebound, but trust me, it isn't. This is the guy I'm meant to be with. He is incredible.
Anyway, it happened again about a week later.
I wasn't in the position to get into a relationship (too soon) and he was in a messy situation with his ex. Soon after that he got back together with his ex (she moved from a plane ride away to a train ride away, and therefore it was more convenient).

I thought that was that (which of course it should have been), but obviously I was still spending time with him as we have always been very close. But of course things didn't stop there and we have ended up sleeping together a few more times since then.
I know that it's wrong, and don't need to be told what a !!!!! I am being. He has also not flattered me into it, he hasn't done the whole "I'll leave her for you" speech or made empty promises. I knew the terms and conditions going into it. We still spend evenings watching TV together and nothing happens, so it's not like a full blown affair.
He never, ever, mentions his girlfriend to me, but I have heard from mutual friends that things are far from rosy. I know that he has strong feelings for me but I don't think he's in an emotional situation to jump out of this relationship in to one with me.

I have put a stop to the physical side of things for the past 5 weeks, but I am madly, deeply in love with this man. I know he will split up with his girlfriend (not for me, but just because they aren't right together) pretty soon.

I don't know what to do now, I know he is a commitment phobe (self confessed), and so I always tell him that my feelings for him aren't a big deal and really play it down. So I don't think he knows quite how I feel about him. But there is absolutely no way he doesn't feel the connection to (it isn't directly discussed but it's eluded to).

My choices are to continue spending time with him as a friend and wait it out until he splits up with her. (which I know he will left to his own devices). Or to tell him how I feel, and give him the option of leaving her for good and starting a relationship with me.

Please don't tell me I'm a !!!!!, home wrecker etc (I know all this already and feel terrible), or that he is a horrible cheater who will only cheat on me too (to be honest, the way I feel about him that's a chance I'm willing to gamble on).

This man is not someone I can walk away from, we are closely entwined in terms of close friendship circle - he will always be in my life in one form or another.
When I look back on it, even when I was with my ex I had strong feelings for this man, I just pushed them away.
He is a once in a lifetime sort of guy and I cannot get him out of my head.

Please can someone non judgmentally advise me on what to do?

Atomised

You are meant to be with a man who already has a girlfriend , cheated on her with you , is a commitment phobe and has to be convinced to take a risk and be with you? I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like love to me , it sounds like an unhealthy crush.

If you can't let him go then I guess my advice is to talk to him and tell him how you feel as it sounds like he considers you nothing more than a FWB right now.

Errata

Leave him to his own devices until he's free to chose a new girlfriend. It may not be you.

OJQ1982

Atomised wrote: »

You are meant to be with a man who already has a girlfriend , cheated on her with you , is a commitment phobe and has to be convinced to take a risk and be with you? I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like love to me , it sounds like an unhealthy crush.

If you can't let him go then I guess my advice is to talk to him and tell him how you feel as it sounds like he considers you nothing more than a FWB right now.

It's most certainly not a crush. I have known him a long time and it's not some sort of childlike fantasy.
I am also not friend with benefits, as we have only slept together a few times but spend a lot of time together in general, when we have the most amazing conversations, and just generally love each other's company.

OJQ1982

Errata wrote: »

Leave him to his own devices until he's free to chose a new girlfriend. It may not be you.

I'm inclined to do this actually. I know it may not be me, and that's a chance I have to take.
I don't know how long it will take for him to break up with her, but there's no rush. If he does break up with her I'll tell him how I feel then, and he can make a decision.
This is not something I would normally do, I have only had 3 sexual partners in my life (one a silly childhood fling, then my long term - 10 years - ex), and a definately not one for sleeping around. I know it's wrong, and so does he, which is why the physical thing has stopped for him to sort his head out

Marcheline

I know you won't want to hear it and I don't mean to sound nasty, BUT, I think he has used you when you were vulnerable. You may in fact be in love with this man, but he is not in love with you. I would actually give your whole friendship circle a wide berth for the time being, so that you can sort your own head out.

OJQ1982

Marcheline wrote: »

I know you won't want to hear it and I don't mean to sound nasty, BUT, I think he has used you when you were vulnerable. You may in fact be in love with this man, but he is not in love with you. I would actually give your whole friendship circle a wide berth for the time being, so that you can sort your own head out.

I see what you are saying, but to be fair to him, we are both to blame, and it wasn't like I was crying and he jumped on me or anything. It wasn't quite as contrived as that.
Giving my whole friendship group a wide berth seems to me to be the worst thing I could do right now? I have amazing friends who have helped me through the last few months (sleeping on most of their floors when I left my house), and my parents live 3 hours drive away. I can't just cut myself off from the world. I am a very sociable person and I live for my friends. It's just not really an option to become a recluse.

I can totally see it from an outsiders point of view but I genuinely believe he has strong feelings for me too and is very confused at the moment. I spent last night just watching TV with him, and on an intellectual level we just click, (always have for that matter). It's not simply a physical thing as like I said this hasn't happened that often.

rheme

.... so he want's his cake and to eat it too!!

lynzpower

What I dont understand in all this, is after you had slept together that one time, I dont understand why he has got back with the ex jsut because she has moved slightly closer.

He could have not bothered to do that, and be with you, but strangely he didnt ( as you are so close/get onso well etc) The fact that he is willing to continue to hang on to her, depsite already splitting with her first, and sleeping with someone else- lines it out to me.

He doesnt want to have a relationship with you, and even tho the relationship with her is reportedly a boit crap, he doesnt want to jack it in just yet.

I jsut cant understand if you are so close, why he would go back to this other woman. Either he loves her and cant live without her , or he is relationship addicted and cant be single.

Either way, not a great prospect!

poet123

I agree with the poster above. When you became single, and then you got it together he had the ideal opportunity to take it to another level. He chose not to, and chose to go back to/stick with. his girlfriend. If, he felt the same as you, he would have grabbed the opportunity. He did not, you can rationalise that any way you choose, but it will not change the facts.

OJQ1982

Atomised wrote: »

You are a friend with benefits though unless he wants to be with you as a partner. I know you aren't physical with him anymore but distancing yourself so he has time to miss you or declaring your feelings are the best options. If you play the waiting game you might miss out on others and he must enjoy part of being in a committed relationship or why did he start dating his girlfriend? There must be a reson why he hasn't asked you out properly if the connection is great , the sex is good and you can spend hours feeling comfortable with each other.

This is the weird thing, he only sees his girlfriend once every 3 weeks or so, and just for a weekend. He originally broke up with her about 8 months ago when she was living abroad and he essentially couldn't be bothered to go and see her. I don't get why he got back with her, and to be honest, I don't think he does either. He has told friends that she isn't the one etc, and that it's not really going anywhere but (and lets face it a lot of people have been in this situation), he's scared to end it. I won't go into details but due to careers etc there will not be a time (at least in the next 5-10 years where they will be able to live in the same country/part of the country.

Another factor is that our mutual best friend (female), who doesn't know anything that has commented that I don't need a man at the moment and that we should stop spending time together as it was messing with both our heads. I know he listens to her and don't know if this has had a subconcious influence.

I guess he is being weak but no one is perfect, not even him. (I am weak in that I can't help myself falling in love with him)