DS about to become a Half brother

patchwork_cat

I was just going to delete that not relevant and you are stressed - sorry! It is going to bring feelings back ((hugs))
It must be hard, my mum never said anything when my dad and step mum had a baby, but thinking back it must have really hurt not least because of her age.

fabforty

Paparika wrote: »

DS is your average teen (14) although a bit quiet, but vocal when he wants to.

my ex and partner are expecting their first baby together, was due on the 8th, but if not arrived by today will be induced today.

I've spoken do the ex and asked that he doesn't push his son to the side in favour of the new baby, and to remember that our son is his first born, and still needs to have the father contact. he said ok.

But ds has made it clear he is not interested in the new baby (when she arrives, apparently scan shows a girl).
I've said to ds that i support him, love him, that his father loves him, grandparents etc.....

I will not force him to have a bond or relationship with the new addition, but how can i be there for him, it's obvious he feels out of sorts. I also don't want him to feel any animosity towards the new baby (she is innocent)

He only see's his dad every other Sunday for a few hours as it is, although he hasn't seen him since the 1st of Nov, as i said to the ex, that because it was quite close to the date, he was better off staying with the g/f just in case, but his dad does leave Skype messages about once a week to say the baby isn't here yet, but he hasn't called him for a chat or anything like that.

I've tried to be very accommodating with this, told the ex that I would give him 2 months grace of seeing ds as the first few weeks can be stressful, but stated that he should at least try and see his son even for a few hours over the christmas period, and not forget him.

I thought i was being fair as the ex wife, this is their first Christmas with a newborn so it will be special for them, but what can i do for ds?

The best thing that you can do is stop overthinking it and stop trying so hard.
Your son will have a new sibling - it's not that big a deal unless you turn it into one. Your son will take his cue from you. By tiptoeing around and being extra careful and extra nice about what this new baby might mean to your son, you are effectively telling him that this new baby is potentially a negative thing. 14 year old boys are not interested in babies, but he will bond with this one eventually and in his own time - ask any parent with more two or more children.

Ex-partners arrangments for seeing and contacting DS need revisiting - they are minimal to say the least. Not seeing DS for 3 weeks because g/f is nearing her due date is unacceptable, as are the random phone messages. For a teenage boy, that is rarely enough.

Two months grace makes absolutely no sense, and all that does is tell your son that his father cannot parent/love/have time for him and the baby at the same time - which will feed into DS insecurities.

If you want to buy the baby a present, (which seems perfectly natural) just do it - buy the present, wrap it and give it to your ex from you and your son - instead of asking your son what he thinks, what he feels etc, because once again, it turns something very simple into a big deal.

Paparika

ds has come home and i asked if he had any news, he said no new yet.

I said that once the baby was here that i thought it would be a great idea if he and his dad bought something nice for the baby, and to go and see the baby, whilst his dad was home on leave, ds wasn't keen.

I said that it was important to have some bonding with the baby, that he didn't need to hold her or change a nappy or anything like that but to see her, as she will be his baby sister.

He didn't disagree but said he would think about it, and i said i would talk to his dad when he calls with the news of the birth.

I also asked if he wanted to go see a film tomorrow with me and OH or just the 2 of us, maybe to see 2012 he smiled and said yes.

verysillyguy06

SimonJB wrote: »

I think that'll probably make him feel more pushed out and there's the chance they might not resume normal contact after.

I'd try and encourage the Dad to take him out somewhere, then back to see the new arrival for half an hour or so, then bring him home.

The new Dad might be pleased for the break!

:T:T:T:T

I think thats excellent advice....

Mme.Hibou

Lydia82 wrote: »

This new baby won't be his step sister, but will be his half sister (if they only share one parent)

I could have swore I put sibling and not sister! :huh:

Paparika

still no news yet, but ds and me are spending some time together tonight, we are off to the cinema

msb5262

Hi Paparika,
I've just been through all this as my ex-OH and his wife have recently had a baby. You're doing really well and I think you're brilliant to be thinking about it all so carefully. Your love and concern for your son shines through.
My children were noticeably trying to be uninterested in the theoretical sibling before its birth, and like you, I myself felt rather odd about it all but once the baby was actually born, it was straightforward. I was very pleased it had arrived safely, pleased to see that there's a definite resemblance to my three and very relieved when after a day or two of not being quite well, the baby and mum were allowed home. The children were fine once their dad had rung them to let them know all was well, and my ex also sent all three a present to celebrate.
The existence of a sibling is much easier to accept in practice than in theory, so I'm hoping very much that you find the same when this one is born.
Have a lovely evening and try not to worry.
MsB x

tandraig

I'm not sure i can add anything helpful paparika - am about to face the same situation with my grandson! my daughters ex and his new partner are about to have a baby and my grandson (aged 11 - but has aspergers syndrome) is cool with it. he says he doesnt mind but he already has a half sister so perhaps thinks - been there done that it isnt so bad!
the difference is that my daughter is on good terms with ex's partner! so the plan is for her to take son to see mum and new baby with a gift when she has the ok from ex - knowing him about ten minutes after delivery he will phone with the good news!
not all teens dismiss babies - my sons adored them and any new babies born into the family were fussed over by my boys especially when they were teens! my oldest son wouldnt 'do' nappies but my youngest son was up to the task - even the worst nappies didnt faze him!
they are grown now and have kids of their own - but their early training sure came in handy even oldest son changes nappies now!
the important thing here is if you can be relaxed and supportive i think. and you seem to be doing that! dont worry hun - i am sure things will work out!!!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It is possible that your DS just isn't particularly interested, though. Perhaps because he isn't remotely interested in babies (like most teenage boys), perhaps he doesn't feel particularly strongly towards his stepmother, perhaps because he really doesn't like the fact that his father, who he must have noticed wasn't particularly nice to you, is being nice to the new wife. It's even possible that the atmosphere has been a little strained there, too, especially when you have been making so much effort to be nice. So many possibilities, any of which could be the situation for your DS.

In which case, trying to 'make' him like or love anything could backfire.

I vaguely remember telling DD1 when DD2 was on her way that it was OK to feel anything or nothing, it was all fine. As it is, she has a great relationship with DD2. I can see that it's a different relationship with her father's 2, who are 14-15 years younger, but she is still a good sister to them. Her 14 year old step brother feels nothing for the young ones, though, which is sad for the mother, but they can't make him care. He might feel differently when he's got past the mid teen miseries or when they are all adults!

As long as your DS knows that it's OK to feel happy or sad or resentful, or whatever it is that he's feeling (who knows with teenagers, it could be all of those things at once plus a whole lot more), then he should be OK.

And applause to you for making the effort. It makes you a Number 1 Mum!

Paparika

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It is possible that your DS just isn't particularly interested, though. Perhaps because he isn't remotely interested in babies (like most teenage boys), perhaps he doesn't feel particularly strongly towards his stepmother, perhaps because he really doesn't like the fact that his father, who he must have noticed wasn't particularly nice to you, is being nice to the new wife. It's even possible that the atmosphere has been a little strained there, too, especially when you have been making so much effort to be nice. So many possibilities, any of which could be the situation for your DS.

In which case, trying to 'make' him like or love anything could backfire.

I vaguely remember telling DD1 when DD2 was on her way that it was OK to feel anything or nothing, it was all fine. As it is, she has a great relationship with DD2. I can see that it's a different relationship with her father's 2, who are 14-15 years younger, but she is still a good sister to them. Her 14 year old step brother feels nothing for the young ones, though, which is sad for the mother, but they can't make him care. He might feel differently when he's got past the mid teen miseries or when they are all adults!

As long as your DS knows that it's OK to feel happy or sad or resentful, or whatever it is that he's feeling (who knows with teenagers, it could be all of those things at once plus a whole lot more), then he should be OK.

And applause to you for making the effort. It makes you a Number 1 Mum!

They are not married, he has no intrest, so will lay off now as you say you can't force it