DS about to become a Half brother

Paparika

Thank you all,

some very good views from a neutral point...

Whilst i have been trying to be the nice ex wife, and trying to please everyone, i've made a pigs ear out of it.. i can see that now and no i don't take offence at all.

A trip to the cinema tomorrow night will be good for ds.

I have already said to ds that when the baby arrives we should get a nice card, and would he like to get the baby a pressie (ie baby grow or a teddy..) from her half brother (thought it was step brother lol), he doesn't want to get a pressie, and said a few weeks back shall we get the card now, and send it, i explained that we should wait until the baby is safely born, before sending card.

the ex lives about 10 mins cycle away.. but he will be having his paternity leave (is that 1 or 2 weeks) so when he calls to say baby has arrived i will ask him if he minds coming around to see ds, and perhaps taking him to see the new baby.. even if its for half hour. they don't drive by i do, the ex's partner is very shy never met her or spoken to her, but i just didn't want them to see me as the nasty ex wife, so that there would be no awkward moments for ds later down the line.

It was just the way ds said he didn't want anything to do with the baby, not in a nasty way.. maybe its a teen boy thing.

Deep down and i can't tell my OH or my son, i do feel a little hurt, the ex and i lost our 2nd child and i see him go off and have another, and i can't have any more, but no one knows how i feel, so i guess i am trying to be extra nice to cover what i am feeling in the hope to bury it

Bennifred

Also, can I just point out that they will be half-siblings, not step-siblings? :cool:

Edit: Oh, sorry Lydia - I'm too slow

Gingham_Ribbon

Paparika wrote: »

Whilst i have been trying to be the nice ex wife, and trying to please everyone, i've made a pigs ear out of it.. i can see that now and no i don't take offence at all.
.

I think you're being FAR too hard on yourself! :A vWhat you HAVE done is show your son that his new sibling is important and his feelings are important and shown your ex and his partner that you are willing to do what you can to help things run smoothly.

You should be patting yourself on the back. :j:j

Paparika

Bennifred wrote: »

Also, can I just point out that they will be half-siblings, not step-siblings? :cool:

yes, i'm having a fibro fog day, i realised its half not step :rotfl:

Gingham_Ribbon

Why not scrap the 'half' altogether. They're siblings. Does the exact detail matter?

Chinkle

I think both sides need to make a bit more of an effort, or as has been said here, it could lead to the relationship drifting into nothing. At 14 DS isn't going to be very interested in a baby, but he's grown up enough to know that he needs to acknowledge her birth in some way as it's big event for his father. Equally, your ex needs to be reminded of the existing bond with his son.

I think a visit after the birth with a gift/card is appropriate and then at least one other follow up visit around Christmas and then aim to set in place a new routine for regular visits for the new year. In time DS may grow to feel a protective older brother bond to his little sis.

starbump

Paparika wrote: »

Deep down and i can't tell my OH or my son, i do feel a little hurt, the ex and i lost our 2nd child and i see him go off and have another, and i can't have any more, but no one knows how i feel, so i guess i am trying to be extra nice to cover what i am feeling in the hope to bury it

That's so sad. I don't think I could be as nice and calm as you under the circumstances.

Gingham_Ribbon

I'm so sorry, Paparika. This must be such a hard time for you. You sound like you're coping so well. It would be cutting me up too. I hope in time you'll be glad your son has a brother or sister and I hope that he or she will grow to love you as part of his/her family. x

Mojisola

It might not seem "cool" to be interested in a baby when you're 14 but he might be surprised how he feels when he sees her. Our lads loved their tiny cousins when they were born and enjoyed playing with them.

As his father is taking paternity leave, he will have plenty of time to meet up with and involve his son with his new sister's arrival. It's really important that he doesn't feel pushed out by everyone's interest in her. If he really doesn't want to spend time at the other house, his Dad needs to arrange a couple of special outings so that his son knows he is still loved and wanted.

I think you're wonderful that you are thinking so much about everyone else's feelings at a time which must be difficult for you - memories of a lost baby can still be raw years after the event. Be kind to yourself, too, and make sure you have some support if you need it after the baby is born.

If you feel able to, it would be worth talking to your son about your other baby. He may pick up that you're feeling upset and, if he doesn't know why, he could transfer it to his new sister and find it harder to bond with her.

redstararnie76

I think you're doing a great job of balancing everyone's feelings and needs.
Remember 14 is a difficult age and it will always be a bit difficult getting a sibling at that age, regardless of the circumstances. My husband's family had his sister when he was 16. After she was born he became very close to her, and is very protective of her to this day. You can't really expect him to be too animated about a 'bump', but hopefully his feelings for her will grow when she's actually here. He may also be concerned about you, and be trying to protect you in his own way.
It probably would be for the best to stand back a little and see what happens, you are offering him the opportunity to get involved, but ultimately it has to be down to him to come to terms with his feelings.