DS about to become a Half brother

Paparika

DS is your average teen (14) although a bit quiet, but vocal when he wants to.

my ex and partner are expecting their first baby together, was due on the 8th, but if not arrived by today will be induced today.

I've spoken do the ex and asked that he doesn't push his son to the side in favour of the new baby, and to remember that our son is his first born, and still needs to have the father contact. he said ok.

But ds has made it clear he is not interested in the new baby (when she arrives, apparently scan shows a girl).
I've said to ds that i support him, love him, that his father loves him, grandparents etc.....

I will not force him to have a bond or relationship with the new addition, but how can i be there for him, it's obvious he feels out of sorts. I also don't want him to feel any animosity towards the new baby (she is innocent)

He only see's his dad every other Sunday for a few hours as it is, although he hasn't seen him since the 1st of Nov, as i said to the ex, that because it was quite close to the date, he was better off staying with the g/f just in case, but his dad does leave Skype messages about once a week to say the baby isn't here yet, but he hasn't called him for a chat or anything like that.

I've tried to be very accommodating with this, told the ex that I would give him 2 months grace of seeing ds as the first few weeks can be stressful, but stated that he should at least try and see his son even for a few hours over the christmas period, and not forget him.

I thought i was being fair as the ex wife, this is their first Christmas with a newborn so it will be special for them, but what can i do for ds?

SimonJB

I don't think two months grace of seeing his Son will do any good. Ask most 14 year old boys if they're looking forward to a new baby and they'd say no.

I'd try to ensure normal arrangements are kept to and everyone gets used to eachother. They have a lifetime association now.

Paparika

oh dear i was trying to be nice by giving them grace...

so i got it wrong? I didn't want to demand at a special time for them, seen as the evil ex wife etc.

ok well this weekend is going to be out the question if they are starting her off today, but i will see if he can see ds next weekend even if its just a few hours...

starbump

In my opinion, most 14 year old boys would have little interest in any baby even if it is their baby sister. The first few months with a newborn are very important and special and unfortunately do tend to sideline everyone else, even in complete family units. I don't think you have to do anything except assure your son that he doesn't have to babysit (unless he wants to)!

brians_daughter

i would expect he will come round to the idea when baby is here. He will feel all out of sorts at the moment, especially at that 'difficult' age.

By your son not seeing his dad i think he would feel even further pushed out and resentful - his dad is his dad and if you where still together and had had a another child his father wouldnt get '2 months grace' of not seeing his eldest son whilst new baby is born. Its almost like his dad has got a new car and wont be needing to drive teh old one as much iykwim???

Anyway - back to your question..

I would (and have, as i have been in your situ) sit ds down and plan 'special' days - and not just when he would usually see his Dad.

ie Christmas shopping trip, trip to the cinema, bowling, special nights in where you cook his fave meals and watch a DVD together, sleepovers for friends etc?

Dont spoil him, just positive memories and keeping him busy.

It may be an idea to incrporate into a shopping trip popping into mothercare and buying the baby a small gift for him to take for her birth/xmas etc. and a card from you both.

Also be positive to him re the new arrival. I knwo this can be hard depending upon the time you have been split and the reasoning behind it etc but it needs to be done.

Good luck!

SimonJB

Paparika wrote: »

oh dear i was trying to be nice by giving them grace...

so i got it wrong? I didn't want to demand at a special time for them, seen as the evil ex wife etc.

ok well this weekend is going to be out the question if they are starting her off today, but i will see if he can see ds next weekend even if its just a few hours...

I think that'll probably make him feel more pushed out and there's the chance they might not resume normal contact after.

I'd try and encourage the Dad to take him out somewhere, then back to see the new arrival for half an hour or so, then bring him home.

The new Dad might be pleased for the break!

starbump

Can the boy not go to see his dad and his new sister? Is it not more "pushed out" to see just his dad and possibly suggest his sister isn't part of his life?

headoutthesand

Obviously you think you are doing the right thing, maybe it is as far as your situation goes.

In my opinion (and it is only an opinion so please don't take this the wrong way asit is not intended to cause anger), you should encourage your ex to include your son in the arrival of the baby as much as possible. He is 14, it is uncool to look excited at the thought of a new baby. He's at the age where seeing less of his dad could make or break it.

Does your ex stay close enough that your son could do a wee hour or so mid week visit to see his new sister. Just because they have different mothers, it shouldn't make it any less of a bond between them.

Hope this helps

busiscoming2

headoutthesand wrote: »

Obviously you think you are doing the right thing, maybe it is as far as your situation goes.

In my opinion (and it is only an opinion so please don't take this the wrong way asit is not intended to cause anger), you should encourage your ex to include your son in the arrival of the baby as much as possible. He is 14, it is uncool to look excited at the thought of a new baby. He's at the age where seeing less of his dad could make or break it.

Does your ex stay close enough that your son could do a wee hour or so mid week visit to see his new sister. Just because they have different mothers, it shouldn't make it any less of a bond between them.

Hope this helps

Well said headoutthesand, my thoughts too.

Mme.Hibou

This new baby won't be his step sister, but will be his half sister (if they only share one parent)

Gingham_Ribbon

No, you certainly haven't got it wrong. You're trying to accomodate everyone's feelings and a lot of people wouldn't bother!

If dad is accomodating, what I've seen work is for the eldest to spend lots more time with the new family, rather than less time. It's important for children to know that they're not being pushed out and, difficult as it is to have an elder sibling around when a new baby is here, he has 2 children and they need to get to know each other, though obviously time is on their side.

Would your ex take the lad out and buy him a 'big brother' gift to celebrate? If not, it's something you could do together and maybe buy something together for the baby?