7 Year old son, where am I going wrong?? help!

RustyFlange

Hi all,

Sorry I don't venture out of the special occasions board very often at all but I am at my wits end with all of this stress and hassle!!

I have 2 children, DS is 7 and DD is 2.5. both have different dads but we live as a family with DD's dad and he brings up both as his own.

Bit of a background history to put some things down in writing.

I left DS's dad when he was 10 months old, so he never really knew me living with his dad, we have been through 2 very serious long dragged out court cases where my ex has dragged me through the courts both times, demanded DNA tests, claimed I am stopping him seeing his son and also had social services out to me on 2 seperate occasions (both of which were 1 home visit and then written off as a malicious call!) However my Sons behaviour is driving me round the bend!!

For several months he has been a very very big handful, when I say this I don't just mean for me, My Aunt took him on holiday for 10 days to see my dad and stepmum in Bulgaria a few months back and even my Auntie said how naughty he was and my stepmum commented to me that she only wants the old DS to come next time not this horrible new one!! He visited his dad for a few days earlier on this month, his dad dropped him off at the train station and when DS was in the car he basically had a go at me about his behaviour whilst DS was there and how it was my fault and that he doesn't want to see him again until I sort his behaviour out etc etc At this point I saw red as I try my hardest to discipline both of my children, I am very firm but fair. He has even come back from his dads telling me that he hates me and wishes I was dead cause he would have such a better life without me :eek: I use the naughty step but even with DS he genuinely doesn't seem bothered.

His attitude is like a stroppy teenager mixed with a 2 year old, he answers back as if he knows it all but if his 2 yr old sister takes something off him (which I always tell her off for as she needs to learn it isn't right) then he wil sit and moan and cry like a toddler.

The lies that he tells, eg the other day he told his teacher that I don't do any of his homework with him, and that I only bothered to do his spellings on the morning of his test!! he failed to mention that I do them pretty much every night and sometimes 2 or 3 times a night to help him learn them.

He never listens, you can ask him to do something and it is like he is ignoring you as if he hasn't even heard you then when you say to him again he claims he just forgot!!

He does things deliberately for example tonight he was told off by his stepdad on the phone as he had pushed me too far with his behaviour his S/dad told him he had to go to bed and do his toilet, hands and teeth (bedtime routine!) when I went to take DD to bed I nipped into the loo and the toilet roll had been unwound, and something had been sprayed all over the toilet! I asked him what he had done and he lied to me again and told me nothing even though he was the only one up there!

There are lots of other things aswell but to be honest I don't know where I am going wrong, so a few of my questions are ...

Is it attention seeking? I try and have 1-1 time with him but this isn't always possible with a hyperactive 2 year old around all the time and OH works away all week so I am on my own with them both. I even extended his bedtime so that DD went to bed at 7 and DS would go up at 8 meaning we had an hour together to spend time doing things.

Is it an age thing that all 7 year olds are going through? I have been told by various people that the not listening thing is a boy thing and that it is normal but surely not to this extent?

Is it something that is happening in his life that he feels he can't talk about? we recently lost my grandad and I know that is very difficult for us all still (DS made him 2 christmas cards a few weeks ago and wanted to post them to heaven for him)

Can anyone please help me before I go completely insane? Where have I gone wrong? Can anyone give me anything to try now? or any suggestions? Even my OH can't see where we are going wrong? we give them both so much love, and we try to cram in as much family time as possible at weekends when we are all together before OH has to go back to work. My health at the minute is not brilliant, I can't walk far distances due to a slipped disc pressing on a nerve but I still try to be as active as I can with the kids without causing me too much pain. Sometimes I push myself extra hard no matter what the pain just to give the kids a good time! but other times it just isn't possible!

Sorry for the essay but I really really would appreciate any comments anyone can give me or suggestions.

I guess I shall sit back and await the terrible nasty bad mother comments!!

sandiep

HI

What do you do when he misbehaves? In your post you talk a lot about the bad behaviour, but don't really mention the consequences/follow through.

I have 7 & 5 yr old daughters and the one thing that I have learnt is absolutely critical is the complete and accurate follow through of any threats/punishments that I make. Even now, I stop and think before reprimanding because i've shot myself in the foot a few times before.

What kind of discipline techniques do you use? I ask because he seems to have an attitude of defiance in his behaviour, which probably indicates that he knows/thinks that he can get away with whatever he is doing.

If it's any consolation, I find that when I need to play bad guy on the discipline front I only need to do it for a couple of days, simply to prove to them that it's simple, if I threaten something it will be carried through.

BeenieCat

Your post sounds like you are completely blaming yourself and feeling guilty - don't let this get in the way of punishing him when he is naughty.

Have you tried reward charts and similar ideas? It could just be attention seeking/a phase. Is he naughty at school?

If my 6 year old lies to me the consequences are worse than whatever he lied about, i try to nip that in the bud because then it takes away the attention from what he did wrong in the first place if that makes sense! I think you need to be more strict and don't feel guilty.

My 6 year old has started to have a bit of a bad attitude when speaking to me which i'm sure he's picking up from schoolfriends who are a lot louder than him so probably always the centre of attention at school, not quite the same as your issues i know but i would just try and be consistent with punishment.

dragonllew

Please don't feel you are alone with this my son can be exactly the same, did your sons behaviour change when your dh started working away as I know when my son was the same age as your my dh went back to work and ds found it very difficult to adjust to his dad not being home with him and played me up really bad we have just gone through it again as dh has changed his job so his hours have changed. Doin't really know what to suggest to help just wanted you to know it not just your son

RustyFlange

sandiep wrote: »

HI

What do you do when he misbehaves? In your post you talk a lot about the bad behaviour, but don't really mention the consequences/follow through.

I have 7 & 5 yr old daughters and the one thing that I have learnt is absolutely critical is the complete and accurate follow through of any threats/punishments that I make. Even now, I stop and think before reprimanding because i've shot myself in the foot a few times before.

What kind of discipline techniques do you use? I ask because he seems to have an attitude of defiance in his behaviour, which probably indicates that he knows/thinks that he can get away with whatever he is doing.

If it's any consolation, I find that when I need to play bad guy on the discipline front I only need to do it for a couple of days, simply to prove to them that it's simple, if I threaten something it will be carried through.

Hi,
Thankyou for your post, I knew there was something I had forgotten.

threats/punishments are always carried out by both myself and OH. He gets 2 warnings and then he is put on the step for 7 minutes. If we are out then I will find a suitable place for him to sit/stand and do a time out there but even then sometimes he will push it still (2 weeks ago he played up in a museum I warned him and then put him on the step. He deliberately did something again whilst on the step (floor at side of a table) and I told him that we would be going home. he really kicked off, shouting and screaming at me but I wasn't going to give him a reward (of continuing round the science museum) when he had been naughty.

We have tried things like removing his toys from his bedroom, although not all of them but maybe just take 1 or 2. We have banned him from playing on his Xbox/DS for X amount of days and followed through, we have even took his TV out of his room before. Just seems that nothing matters. I have tried to sit down and talk to him about it and he just says he doesn't know why he does it and won't give me anything which I can maybe work on?

BeenieCat

RustyFlange wrote: »

He visited his dad for a few days earlier on this month, his dad dropped him off at the train station and when DS was in the car he basically had a go at me about his behaviour whilst DS was there and how it was my fault and that he doesn't want to see him again until I sort his behaviour out etc etc

Maybe he reeeaally doesn't want to see his dad?

Seriously though, that just says to me his dad is useless cos he should take some responsibility even if you are with another man!!

BitterAndTwisted

You haven't gone wrong at all but your little fella sounds like he's crying out for reassurance and some consistency which is why he's testing the boundaries like a professional. Maybe it's to do with losing his grandad but maybe it isn't. The suggestion by sandiep about following through on threats of punishment might just be what he needs. You could be lucky and this is just a short phase, sent by the heavens to test your reserves of patience.

sandiep

When I had some attention seeking bad behaviour from my 7yr old, then I know that we two can go head to head and row for ever. When i'm rational, i know that the thing that will difuse it better than anything is a hug.

I have a chat with her now every time it starts on that "look at me, look at me" behaviour and simply tell her that if she wants my time and attention all she's got to do is come and ask for a hug, any time, any place, night or day, and she'll always get it. I physically see it go through her eyes sometimes, the rise of the temper/frustration, the decision to either kick off or come for a hug.

One other thing - how's his school work/behaviour? Maybe he's trying to distract everyone from something else that's bothering him. Is he struggling with his reading? Is he a very competitive child and perhaps threatened by other children doing better than him in school. Is his eye sight good?

Have you tried a day away, just you and him, and then a good bit into the day when he's relaxed and happy, just asking him how things are at the moment? Not asking outright if anythings bothering him but kind of leading up to it in a roundabout way. I tend to find that chats like this are always more productive when away from home.

RustyFlange

BeenieCat wrote: »

Your post sounds like you are completely blaming yourself and feeling guilty - don't let this get in the way of punishing him when he is naughty.

Have you tried reward charts and similar ideas? It could just be attention seeking/a phase. Is he naughty at school?

If my 6 year old lies to me the consequences are worse than whatever he lied about, i try to nip that in the bud because then it takes away the attention from what he did wrong in the first place if that makes sense! I think you need to be more strict and don't feel guilty.

My 6 year old has started to have a bit of a bad attitude when speaking to me which i'm sure he's picking up from schoolfriends who are a lot louder than him so probably always the centre of attention at school, not quite the same as your issues i know but i would just try and be consistent with punishment.

We have tried reward charts before, and he would do so well then he would just go back downhill, I saw his teacher on monday after school and she said that he thinks he knows it all sometimes but she said his behaviour is good and he is very bright and always asking questions and always interested about everything (apart from writing which I think is because he is left handed) When he looks at things he doesn't just look at what it is, i.e if he looks at a car, to others it is just a car, but to DS it is a engine under the bonnet which has X,Y & Z to make it all move, then it does this to make it do that etc etc!

I do blame myself but try to not let him see that it bothers me, I tend to keep it all locked up until the kids are in bed then I will break down and cry, or I will phone my OH and have a natter about it all etc but I never show him. The thing is that I just feel like I am always telling him off or shouting at him and I really hate it as I know he can be such a lovely boy, he used to be before all of this and was so loving and everything! I am not really sure how much more strict I can be without giving him a good old clip round the ear lol.

dragonllew wrote: »

Please don't feel you are alone with this my son can be exactly the same, did your sons behaviour change when your dh started working away as I know when my son was the same age as your my dh went back to work and ds found it very difficult to adjust to his dad not being home with him and played me up really bad we have just gone through it again as dh has changed his job so his hours have changed. Doin't really know what to suggest to help just wanted you to know it not just your son

Didn't think about this to be honest, but now you have mentioned it I know his behaviour was fine just after OH started working away, but then did start to go downhill.

He gets up very very early 6:30 on a weekend and sometimes on a school morning aswell. I tried everything from putting him to bed earlier in case it was because he was tired, and am currently trying the going to bed a bit later and telling him to stay in bed and try to go back to sleep until I wake up. I am even considering buying a very expensive gro clock (£35 :eek:) to see if that will help him?

RustyFlange

BeenieCat wrote: »

Maybe he reeeaally doesn't want to see his dad?

Seriously though, that just says to me his dad is useless cos he should take some responsibility even if you are with another man!!

:rotfl: Well he often tells me he would rather stay here with me, daddy (stepdad) and his sister cause he misses us when he goes! but I have to encourage him to see his dad as I would never ever stop him seeing him until he decides when he is older that he doesn't want to go!

As for his dad being useless!! .... NO COMMENT!! :rotfl:

Kenny_Powers wrote: »

I would sit him down and explain to him the effect his behaviour is having. Tell him there are going to be some changes and that you are in charge. If he misbehaves and continues to lie then his life will become difficult.
Punishments could include a ban from sweets, something he really likes doing, going to bed straight from school etc.

But it is important to reward his good behaviour, for instance if he behaves all week then give him spend.

Part of being a parent includes tough love, often we have to do things which we really do not want to but you have to think of his future. The reality is he cannot do as he wants when he wants. To let him think he can and to let him get away with it is lazy parenting (which i am not in any way accusing you of)

If you find things difficult then it may be that in order to let him know you are serious you have to chastise him.

For instance, i don't smack my children, not because i don't agree with it but because ive never had to. The other week my daughter had the attitude on and i said something and she slapped me around the face, so i slapped her back around hers (she is 5) and sent her to bed telling her i was disgusted with her behaviour. After a while she came down and and apologised and has not done anything like it since. But i felt guilty for days afterwards, the reality is that it worked.

Sometimes kids just reminding who is in charge and sadly it really is hard being a parent.

Thankyou for your post, reading through I think I could probably reward the good things more, He doesn't eat a lot of sweets and chocolate hence the bans on the Xbox and DS but I do like the idea about the spends for when he is good, this is maybe something I could introduce.

I regularly feel guilty, but I won't back down. your post certainly seems to have worked for you and your daughter!

Alikay

It sounds like he's regressed in his behaviour to that of a much younger child (ignoring instructions, whining and crying, being naughty instead of putting himself to bed etc), so maybe you could try treating him as if he is younger - actually putting him to bed, giving him fewer choices, rather than telling him to do something then leaving him to do it, do it with him, just like you did when he was 3 or 4.

I don't mean do it as a punishment, just tell him it's what you're going to do because you're the mummy and you love him and know what's best for him. It often makes children feel more secure if they're a bit troubled and they will progress again when they're back on an even keel emotionally.

Consistent discipline is important too, but with what's been going on in his short life it sounds to me like it could be having a few problems coping rather than simple naughtiness. x