7 Year old son, where am I going wrong?? help!

RustyFlange

Money_maker wrote: »

Daft question, but is he having any problems at school? This caused my son to turn into a moody little whatsit till it all came out one day (on holiday) and we were able to resolve it.

The wetting himself is a little worrying. Do you think anything has happened which has upset him that he is keeping a secret? The deliberate mess on the toilet seat is like a punishment for you - does he think you should be there for him on a problem he has but hasn't told you about?

I know it sounds as though I'm talking in riddles but so do kids sometimes!

I wasn't 100% sure that the wetting himself was something which could have happened whilst he was at his dads house as he does sometimes struggle whilst he is there and it happened so close after him coming home. Normally for 1 full week he is awful when he comes back from his dads, but then his behavour changes and he is back to normal however this has been ongoing for at least a couple of months.

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I've been there too. Instead of backing down, I really encourage you to change what you are doing that makes you feel guilty. You should not regret what's going on at home when you get into bed on most days. Have you tried things like counting to five before responding, ask yourself if you are being fair, if you really want to ban TV for a week etc.

Since I always try to keep our long term relationship in mind and want them to think I was a good parent (not their best friend) and not a mean one, I stopped doing things that made me feel guilty. For example, regular shouting, banning things beyond the immediate etc. It's very easy to completely over react when kids are young. At 7, I would think they had to be really really naughty to have things taken away for a week for example, ie it should only happen once, not every week or two, unless they have diagnosed behavioural issues.

I read something that might help: "fake it until you make it"

Hi, Sorry I probably should have mentioned that he has previously seen me upset, to the point that I have shouted at him and then burst into tears myself cause it has got me so worked up, but then this isn't a regular occurance, I do hide nearly all of it from him but sometimes it just happens!

When I take things away from him this isn't on a regular basis, he is banned from things though. I.e he was banned from his Xbox for 2 days last week (whilst 2 days is nothing to us it is to him) etc

imfedup wrote: »

People will have read your first post and connected with it one way or another. We all think we are the only ones going through something like this when in actual fact when you start speaking to people you find that there are more people in that little boat than you thought possible.

I was the same, my DS is 7 now and a different child to how he was 18 months ago, he is polite, helpful and a pleasure to be around. BUT it wasnt always like that believe me, I nearly started charging him rent for the naughty step he was on it that often.

I stopped all chocolate and fizzy drinks - this went some way to improve his behaviour. Then I spoke with the school and found that he was being really good in school (arnt they always) he was top of the class for everything including maths and science and always finished first. Like your son he was interested in the bigger picture - your example of the car is my son down to a T. The school was brilliant, in the end we worked out that maybe because he was top of the class for all subjects maybe he was bored, he was finding it too easy thus resulting in the back chat and bad behaviour at home. He had all this energy that was building up inside him that needed releasing but he had no way of doing it. The school advised me to put him in a club outside of school to release some of the energy so he joined a football club, after a while this wasnt enough so he joined Karate as well. My time now is spent taking him here there and everywhere to one club or another because he loves it. He is in bed for 8 every night including weekends and usually wakes up at 8 in the morning where he lies in bed watching tv for a bit and then comes and wakes me up. This is so much better than me forcing him to bed at 10 at night and him getting up at 630 demanding to go downstairs.

My OH (who is not his dad) is brilliant with him aswell, he also works long hours in the week but at weekends, he will put the bonnet up on the car and talk things through with him about how different things work, they check the oil together and the water and fix any little problems the car has. We sit together as much as we can for tea at night and the tv is turned off and we talk about everything from dinosaurs to the universe, I must add that we have 3 others as well as him. We have such a laugh at things now rather than battling before.

Is your DS in a club of some sort, is there anything that he is really interested in like football or karate or beavers that he could join?

You are not going wrong, you are a parent and as someone has already posted we dont get a handbook when we give birth to the little monsters I mean angels we have to get through it the best way that we can.

You have already read in various posts how children can turn around and yours will to.

Good luck and keep us updated with progress

x

Your post has rung quite true with me, about the energy and always having it. My son struggles at weekends as he constantly needs stimulating, when he has school that is fine but if he is off school due to being poorly he gets bored easily and isn't the kind of child who will just sit and sleep to make themself better etc, he is constantly on the go and has so much energy to burn!!

We did think about letting him join cubs, but then it has been put on the back burner cause we feel it would be rewarding his bad behaviour whilst we are going through all of this.

I do like the money idea, and I think my DS would aswell, he sometimes comes to work with me when I am doing cleaning cover this is mainly just on a sat morning and he asks if he is allowed some wages if he helps. He does help a lot when I do it and I will take my wages out of my little brown envelope and put £2.50 in there for him and tell him that is his wages. It makes him proud cause he has earned it himself etc!

CT19720 - I read your post and you sound so much like me!! everything you have commented on just sounds like you have written how my first post should have been!! thankyou!! x

As for chores that a couple of people have asked me about.

I ask DS to empty the dishwasher a couple of times a week and tidy up the toys with his sister before bedtime etc and more often than not he will ask if he can vac, I only occasionally let him do this though but maybe I should let him do it more often? Is this too much for a 7 year old? or should I be introducing more? ~My sister and I had a different job to do everyday when we lived at home!!

DVardysShadow

RustyFlange wrote: »

I ask DS to empty the dishwasher a couple of times a week and tidy up the toys with his sister before bedtime etc and more often than not he will ask if he can vac, I only occasionally let him do this though but maybe I should let him do it more often? Is this too much for a 7 year old? or should I be introducing more? ~My sister and I had a different job to do everyday when we lived at home!!

He asks to vac and you only let him do it occasionally? If he is asking, then it is not too much for him. You might have to bite your tongue about how he is doing it, it might be harder work to supervise .... but that's what you have to do.

CT19720

Rusty -hang in there it will work itself out. I always thought I was the only one who had problems with behaviour, but as someone else has said, when you get talking to people most people are in the same boat but don't like to talk about it.

I would say let him vac, if he wants too and offers. Just think of it as one less thing for you to do. OK he may not do it as well as you would, but in the great scheme of things it doesn't matter, and he is learning the lesson that it is good to help around the house, and if it is something he likes to do he will see it as being fun, and not a chore. Sure he is too young to do some things, but let him do things he is capable of - my 6 year old loves to dust so while my oldest hoovers the youngest dusts the lounge while I get on and clean the kitchen.

We are certainly working like more of a team now, and I don't now do everything, and at the moment their reward for helping out is a couple of packets of Match Attax at the weekend.

You say that your son is always on the go and needs to be stimulated, but have you ever just had a day where you don't go out and do something, but stay home. I always thought until recently that during the holidays I had to take them to different places and do different things with them every day. Now I realise that I don't and having a couple of days a week at home say baking, playing games, watching DVDs with popcorn etc can be just as rewarding as going to say the zoo, up to London etc.

I also meant to say that both my boys do beavers or cubs, and both absolutely love it. The cub pack my 10 year old goes to, is quite old fashioned in so much as they have to wear shorts and long socks even in the winter, but they are very hot on disciplining the boys if necessary and since he has been attend (June this year) he is more able to listen to others, share and know that bad behaviour there doesn't work, and I believe that this has had an impact on his behaviour at home. The other week it was his turn to lower the flag and read the prayer. He loved it and felt really proud to do it. He was on a high for a few days after too. He also loves working toward the different badges and has just obtained a fitness one.

If you can afford it, I would say look into finding a beaver pack, I'm sure he would love it. Maybe some of his friends at school already go to one that he can join? I made the decision to send mine to one where they didn't know anyone, and surprisingly, they had no problems settling in and in fact they now have a new group of friends and we often see them around the park or playing football on a Saturday in the local little league. Not sure how but I got roped into helping at Beavers and we have a fab time - yes the boys can be a bit boisterous but I just love to see them learning and working in teams with one another.

Sorry for another essay.

xx

imfedup

I know it will feel like you are rewarding his bad behaviour by letting him join a club of some sort but he needs to get rid of this energy that he has and in a productive way. Beavers and Karate both have the element of teaching but also of dicipline and good behavour which does rub off at home. My son also now goes to a church club one night a week as it is away from sporty clubs and shows him that people have different views about different things and he is very much into it and not ashamed to go to school and tell his mates.

Speak to his teacher and see if any of the kids in his class go to a particular club and see whether he would like to go too, his teacher will know best as kids are always talking about it in school. Sit son down and ask him whether he would like to go and make it clear to him that the behaviour at home will not be accepted at the club, also explain to him that if his behaviour continues at home then he will not be allowed to continue at the club. If he goes to beavers he will be absolutely gutted to think he wont be able to work towards his badges, if its football he will be gutted not to play in the match on saturday. One way or another he will see that there are consequences for his actions at home by not being able to do the club that he is going to.

At the moment the consequences are that he gets the naughty step or his x box taken away which now dont bother him as he knows there are other things he can do instead, but if the consequences are more serious to him then he might change.

Its all trial and error, you will only know what he can and cant do by trying different things. Then once you work out what works you will look back at today and wonder how the child he has become was ever the child he was.

Ruby_Moon

You are not doing anything wrong, so don't worry about that too much. Kids are very very good at trying our patience!
With bad behaviour just carry on as you are doing making sure that you always follow through with what you have said.
When he is good give him extra praise as it could be that he isn't hearing enough praise at the moment. (You might think he gets a lot but all kids need different amounts to boost their confidence).
Make sure your son never never never hears you talking about problems with your ex, you on the phone with your ex, any arguments etc etc. If ex starts in front of son, you walk away and say firmly "Discussing this in front of son is not appropriate".
Take the TV out of his room. TV's in kids rooms are a terrible influence.
Lastly, he sounds to me as though he is feeling very vulnerable. At his age he is just getting to grips that he has lost his Dad (as being near him) and he has lost his Grandad. He is likely to be a bit upset and feeling a bit afraid of what else he might lose and so is lashing out.
Make lots of time for him and give lots of praise, hugs and treats when good. Kids don't always need parents to spend a lot of money on them. I find (at young ages) kids would prefer to play a board game than go to the cinema, or would prefer to bake cakes and buns instead of going out somewhere, so a lot of 'homely' activities are good and also activities that are for him only, like trampoline club or cub scouts.
I am sure that he will come round soon enough when he has it settled in his mind that Mum does love him and isn't going anywhere.

xmaslolly76

I hate to admit it but my DS can Be a right little toad when he wants to be his behaviour if terrible on occasion and he is 8 now and it started when he was seven he is slowly getting better. I have learned with him that shouting at him does not work neither does taking his things away he just doesnt care and goes and plays something else instead. Picking up on what another poster has said has your son ever seen you upset by his behaviour. My son has and it was a big turning point for him i just couldnt take any more from him one day and i broke down crying, i'm sure up until that point he saw me as some hard ruthless dictator who just wanted to completely ruin his fun. He completely stopped the attitude and came and gave me a great big hug and said sorry and that he would try a lot harder i think he felt really ashamed of himself at that point. Now obviousley showing a weakness is no good in the long term but maybe showing him how hurt and upset you are about his behaviour just once may make him think a little harder about what he is doing.

Hope things get better for you soon xx

pinkcheshirecat

Just wanted to say keep your chin up - he's still your lovely DS, he's just displaying some not so lovely behaviour.

I have 2 children and think I'm probably quite strict - sometimes my dad will say to me - praise the good ignore the bad.

I don't find that easy - some behaviour cannot be ignored, but I do know that when my daughters behavior deteriorates, I spend a lot of time 'telling her off' and asking 'why' she's doing it. I have to remind myself sometimes that it isn't very nice to be told that you're misbehaving and while you might know in your own mind you're being difficult - having it pointed out doesn't necessarily make you stop doing it, sometimes just for the sheer stubbornness of it! (or maybe that's just me?!!??:D)

Try and see for a couple of days whether praising small things he does which are 'good' helps. Perhaps his stay at his father's has been very negative and he's feeling 'got at'.

Also a good tip i got was that sometimes difficult conversations are better had where you're not face to face, I often unburdened my soul in the car on the way home and I find it works for my DD too. I hope that you manage to get things back on track with your DS.

daska

If he's behaving well at school and badly at home then that's a 'good thing' because it means he feels secure enough to push the boundaries with you. But... obviously it's tough to cope with and he needs to learn that he'll get more from you when he's well behaved. How about changing things completely back to front e.g. instead of being banned from his xbox he can earn time on it? Also, if you pick one aspect of his behaviour and concentrate on just that one area for a week (so he doesn't have to be perfect), it's less of a mountain to climb.

morg_monster

Just reading through this thread, haven't got much advice to give, but just wanted to say about the clubs thing - i wouldn't not do it for the pure reason that it's a "reward". Not everything kids do or have is a reward or punishment, can't it just be something he just does? You don't need to say "since you've been so good..." or "even though you've been bad..." you can just say "I was talking to so-and-so's mum, and she was saying about how so-and-so is doing karate/cubs etc now, how would you feel aboutgiving it a try?"

At the end of the day like another poster said, these clubs can really help with self discipline and self control, and places like cubs instil a whole set of values that might help with his day to day behaviour. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face!!

Plus if he does enjoy them, they can be used as leverage. I'm a brownie leader and very occasionally I get a mum calling me to say "I'm afraid so&so will not be coming to Brownies tonight, because I have asked her seventeen times to tidy her room / stop talking back to me / stop hitting her brother and she hasn't done it yet." and I can hear the kid wailing in the background!! They only do it if the behaviour is really bad, and it's happened the same day as the meeting, but if they really love coming to brownies, it works a treat!

Lunar_Eclipse

Kenny_Powers wrote: »

Of course. We had a little heart to heart and i explained how because im on my own with the kids its very difficult and i hoped that now she was a big girl at school and such she could help me out in small ways.

Its something ive regretted since, but it certainly worked.

Good and well done. It's really important for children to realise that no-one is perfect and the importance of saying sorry. I can't believe how many adults can't apologise when they should, or won't say sorry to their children, as if it's an opportunity for the children to take advantage or something.

Also, re: lasting guilt, I've been there too, which is why I would always now try to fall on the softer response where I was unsure if I was being fair or not.

Agree with the mention of not thinking about everything as reward or punishment. Normal everyday things: a nice tea, cuddles, stories, clubs etc are never about reward or punishment. However, I do point out to my children that cuddling a wingy child who is being difficult or verbally abusive is not something us parents go out of our way to do!;)