7 Year old son, where am I going wrong?? help!

SomersetSaver

I'm not a mum myself but my sis and OH are parents plus various rellies/friends so have picked up random bits...but feel free to discount if you feel I'm not qualified!

First of all, my sympathy at what you're going through - it must be very hard work.

A few thoughts - mainly based around some vague feeling from what you and the other posters have said about him being insecure perhaps.

1) Does he understand that your OH is away for work and that it's not something he's done wrong? If he is older than last time your OH went away, he may be more aware and worried that things are going wrong with you and OH -and/or that he's caused it. And then think he's going to not be around like his biological dad is (which sounds like problems enough). A stupid question - does he talk to your OH in the week when he's away? And does he know your OH doesn't like not being there? Sounds obvious to us adults, but kids don't always see it that way. I'm not saying you can change your OH being away, just the way your son understands it.

2) You say you don't let him see you upset about his behaviour. Perhaps it would help if he does? i.e. is he trying to 'test' how much you love him or to get a reaction out of you?

3) Old cliche - make sure he knows it's the behaviour you don't like not him. i.e. you still do and always will love him, but you don't like the way he's behaving.

4) You can never have too many hugs - he may pretend he doesn't need/want them but perhaps you can persuade him you need one, and he'll be able to get hugs without asking for them!

5) Death can have quite a big effect on kids. I know a boy a bit younger who has been quite affected about his grandad dying, and has started talking a lot about him 6 months after he passed way. Maybe it's that time of year, too? Not sure how you get round that one, other than talking about the grandad and seeing if that leads you anywhere with your son.

Hope things improve - from what you've said, sounds like you're doing all the right things that the "experts" tell you to do.

Zazen999

a - get the TV out of his room, and get those boys toys locked away until he is behaving well enough to play them
b - you said you cram in as much as you can in the weekends; so it goes from good fun cram in with everyone there - to boring [sorry] mum and nothing during the week - that must be having an effect
c - you need to show the effect he is having and also talk to him about his behaviour [a debrief] so that he knows what has happened and also [ the most important bit] what behaviour you expect of him and when he can start using his toys again
d - what happened after the toilet incidents?

DVardysShadow

His attitude is like a stroppy teenager mixed with a 2 year old,

That is a very interesting description. Dogs have a phase up to the age of 2 and humans have the terrible 2's and teenagerishness - I have wondered whether it is an evolutionary thing that for humans 2 parts of the development process get separated. Anyway, I wonder if in some way he has had experiences which push him a little older than his age and can't quite cope? Is he not liking something about how his life is organised and also not seeing any means to influence his life?

Does he do any chores? Does he have any responsibilities? Not just for himself [go to bed] but responsibilities which contribute to the household for everyone? RustyFlange, it strikes me that with visits to the science museum you may be taking on too much in terms of giving to him - you put on yourself a responsibility to entertain and he just sees it as being dragged around and the only influence he has is to kick up? How much opportunity does he have to play with other boys his age?

Money_maker

Daft question, but is he having any problems at school? This caused my son to turn into a moody little whatsit till it all came out one day (on holiday) and we were able to resolve it.

The wetting himself is a little worrying. Do you think anything has happened which has upset him that he is keeping a secret? The deliberate mess on the toilet seat is like a punishment for you - does he think you should be there for him on a problem he has but hasn't told you about?

I know it sounds as though I'm talking in riddles but so do kids sometimes!

wheezysmith

I have two sons, 9 and 3 (nearly 4). The 9 year old has special needs and acts much younger than his age. I have been on a parenting course (organised by the county) and the main aim is to praise the positive and ignore or scipline the negative. The main emphesis being on the positive - bringing up the dreaded words "reward charts". I think though that they have to be age appropriate i.e. star charts for toddlers with quick rewards e.g. 5 stars gets you a sweet. But for older children I think some kind of monetary reward i.e. so many stickers on the chart gets you so much money at the end of the week. Or so many stickers gets you a special day trip or game or magazine.

I did wonder from reading all your posts that there has been a lot going on his life at the moment and he is probably taking out n you as he knows that you will always love him. It could also be due to be good and doing well at school all day and hometime is where he can let off all the stress of school out. I was in top sets at school and I always felt that I had to work so hard to keep myself doing well. It is very stressful.
Hope you and DH can work out what works best for you and your family.

splishsplash

I think at that age, children like to test boundaries and know just which buttons to push to get a reaction.

The problem with that is that it can sometimes lead to a very oppressive atmosphere at home, where you're both bracing for impact from early morning. Inevitably, it will deteriorate into meltdown by mid afternoon or early evening!

'Reset' the mood by picking your battles for a bit. Let the small things slide, and deal with the bigger things one at a time. Let the days be fun-filled and generally happy. At seven, he still wants and needs your approval, and if he thinks he can get it, he'll try his utmost. Doesn't mean he won't have lapses though.

Do you think that maybe it's a bit of overkill for both you and your OH to come down on him for the same misbehaviour? Could your son feel a bit trapped by all the negativity? Unless he's done something grievously wrong, surely it's better dealt with by you and forgotten, rather than being wheeled out again later for your OH to reinforce how badly behaved he's been?

Would you bring him to your GP in case he has a UTI - that can upset behaviour horribly, and in view of the two unexpected accidents, might be a good thing to do?

Best of luck, I hope things improve soon.

CT19720

Oh Rusty, I could have written your post. I have 10 and 6 year old boys, and they are completely different with their behaviour – sometimes I can’t believe they have the same parents. The 6 year old is very loving and giving, and don’t get me wrong can misbehave, but not to the same extent as the 10 year old, for whom I have had behaviour issues with since he was about 7. He doesn’t wind anyone up as much as me, and at school is the model child.

My oldest, knows just what buttons to push with me, and I feel that I end up automatically telling him off for whatever he has done – usually pushing/hurting his brother, or taking toys off him for no particular reason. Because I have had bad behaviour from him for so long, my instant reaction is to blame him for things that he possibly hasn’t done, which I know is not right, but don’t know how to stop myself doing.

Unfortunately, in our house, we have inadvertantly established a ‘good cop’ ‘bad cop' situation and you have guessed it, I am the 'bad cop’ and the one that makes them do the chores, homework and tidy up their rooms etc, whereas my husband, takes them to the cafe for lunch on a Saturday, go to watch them play football with their teams. I go too, to watch them play football and the cafe on a Saturday with them, organise days out on a Sunday but for the boys it is more important that Daddy is there to see them, and I seem to fad into the background.

I do so much for my kids – work part-time, so I can collect them from school, am always at their parents evening/sharing assemblies (OH isn’t always), ferry them around to their clubs and activities most nights of the week, and treat them – maybe going to the cinema/swimming/bowling at a weekend if they have been well behaved. I’m the one that is off with them when they are ill or have appointments to attend; agree that if they behave they can have friends home after school etc.

I do it because I am a parent, and do the best that I can. There is no manual with kids, and sometimes I wish there was. It is true what they say – boys just don’t listen or hear what you have said, and you have to say it at least 5 times before they do what you have asked. Over the years I have learnt to accept it, but I don’t like it.

I have tried the naught step/reward charts/taking toys away from the 10 year old, and it doesn’t work for him. What does work with him however is bargaining and having a money reward. If he does X he will get a certain amount of money – it isn’t a lot – 50p for wiping up/putting away; £1 for hovering downstairs; £2.50 for cleaning the car etc. He now willingly will do some jobs for me if he knows he will get paid. He is really into collecting Match Attax football cards, so he will usually use half the money to buy some packs, and will save the rest. He is going to the Isle of Wight next year with the school for 4 days, and I have told him that he needs to earn £50 between now and then to put toward the £240 the trip costs. Maybe this will be seen as harsh by some but I want to teach him about saving money for what he wants. Ultimately though I will pay the £240 and his £50 will become his spending money – but he doesn’t know this for the time being.

When is behaviour was at its worst about 18 months ago, I used to have a £1s worth of 10ps each day for him and for everything he did wrong one 10p would be taken away. After a few days of being down to 20p/30p he soon altered his behaviour and ended up getting quite a few full £1s a day. I don’t give my kids pocket money as such because I believe that they need to earn the value of money, and work towards paying for what they want in this case he was earning money to go to France with the school for 5 days.

Part of the reason, that I was finding raising my kids so hard, is the lack of support I was get from my other OH. Things came to a head in June, when I had had enough of doing everything for everyone and told the kids (rightly or wrongly) that if things didn’t improve I would walk out, as there are 4 people that live here and make the mess, but only 1 (me that sees it and does anything about clearing it up – leaving it to fester doesn’t work, it just winds me up and I end up doing it anyway). The immediate reaction of the 6 year old was to say ‘Mummy if you leave I will come with you’, and give me a big cuddle, but my oldest just shrugged his shoulders. Eventually I have worked things out with my OH about backing me up, and that Harry’s behaviour is not just my problem but our problem, and Harry’s behaviour has certainly been an awful lot better. Like you I believe I am firm but fair.

The infuriating thing is though, and I don’t know if your son does it, but when you ask why they have done x, y or z the response I get is ‘I don’t know’. Or if I ask if there is anything wrong at school with friends he will always say no. He knows I am here for him and would try to help him work out any problems, but when he won’t tell me what is going on – how can I help him.

Sorry I have rambled on, but what I want to say is you are not alone, we all have either already have these issues or have them to come, and that there is no right or wrong answer. I too try not to show my emotions to the kids when they have upset me, but you know what sometimes they need to see it, and for me I have improved behaviour when they have seen me crying.

I really hope that you manage to sort the behaviour out soon, and things go back to what they were. The trouble is that with growing kids, once you sort this out, there will be another issue around the corner, and I’m just waiting for the next to arrive.

Lots of (((hugs))))

Lunar_Eclipse

Kenny_Powers wrote: »

i said something and she slapped me around the face, so i slapped her back around hers (she is 5) and sent her to bed telling her i was disgusted with her behaviour. After a while she came down and and apologised

Out of interest, did you apologise too?

Lunar_Eclipse

[QUOTE=RustyFlange;2701148
I regularly feel guilty, but I won't back down. [/QUOTE]


I've been there too. Instead of backing down, I really encourage you to change what you are doing that makes you feel guilty. You should not regret what's going on at home when you get into bed on most days. Have you tried things like counting to five before responding, ask yourself if you are being fair, if you really want to ban TV for a week etc.

Since I always try to keep our long term relationship in mind and want them to think I was a good parent (not their best friend) and not a mean one, I stopped doing things that made me feel guilty. For example, regular shouting, banning things beyond the immediate etc. It's very easy to completely over react when kids are young. At 7, I would think they had to be really really naughty to have things taken away for a week for example, ie it should only happen once, not every week or two, unless they have diagnosed behavioural issues.

I read something that might help: "fake it until you make it"

imfedup

People will have read your first post and connected with it one way or another. We all think we are the only ones going through something like this when in actual fact when you start speaking to people you find that there are more people in that little boat than you thought possible.

I was the same, my DS is 7 now and a different child to how he was 18 months ago, he is polite, helpful and a pleasure to be around. BUT it wasnt always like that believe me, I nearly started charging him rent for the naughty step he was on it that often.

I stopped all chocolate and fizzy drinks - this went some way to improve his behaviour. Then I spoke with the school and found that he was being really good in school (arnt they always) he was top of the class for everything including maths and science and always finished first. Like your son he was interested in the bigger picture - your example of the car is my son down to a T. The school was brilliant, in the end we worked out that maybe because he was top of the class for all subjects maybe he was bored, he was finding it too easy thus resulting in the back chat and bad behaviour at home. He had all this energy that was building up inside him that needed releasing but he had no way of doing it. The school advised me to put him in a club outside of school to release some of the energy so he joined a football club, after a while this wasnt enough so he joined Karate as well. My time now is spent taking him here there and everywhere to one club or another because he loves it. He is in bed for 8 every night including weekends and usually wakes up at 8 in the morning where he lies in bed watching tv for a bit and then comes and wakes me up. This is so much better than me forcing him to bed at 10 at night and him getting up at 630 demanding to go downstairs.

My OH (who is not his dad) is brilliant with him aswell, he also works long hours in the week but at weekends, he will put the bonnet up on the car and talk things through with him about how different things work, they check the oil together and the water and fix any little problems the car has. We sit together as much as we can for tea at night and the tv is turned off and we talk about everything from dinosaurs to the universe, I must add that we have 3 others as well as him. We have such a laugh at things now rather than battling before.

Is your DS in a club of some sort, is there anything that he is really interested in like football or karate or beavers that he could join?

You are not going wrong, you are a parent and as someone has already posted we dont get a handbook when we give birth to the little monsters I mean angels we have to get through it the best way that we can.

You have already read in various posts how children can turn around and yours will to.

Good luck and keep us updated with progress

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