7 Year old son, where am I going wrong?? help!

RuBy

Hi,

I hope things get better for you, I know you don't want to hear this, but it is generally a phase little lads go through, he is not such a new kid at school so is confident to try his luck.

Things that worked for me with my child, I involve him with things I do,
he helps prepare dinner, the bits he can manage!,We both pack his lunch after he chooses the bits from the cupboard.
I randomly ask his advice on meal suggestions, what shall we watch? etc,

I make time to read with him daily,( often whilst stirring dinner)

I also limit consoles / computers to wednesday evening and weekends only, and only then if he has behaved in the week,

I generally ignore the tantrums or silly behaviour as he soon gets bored when I don't respond in any which way,

It is hard but i bite my lip as screeching at him just winds me up more than it does him, He thinks im harsh but fair when I ask him!

Hope it all works out.

RustyFlange

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

You haven't gone wrong at all but your little fella sounds like he's crying out for reassurance and some consistency which is why he's testing the boundaries like a professional. Maybe it's to do with losing his grandad but maybe it isn't. The suggestion by sandiep about following through on threats of punishment might just be what he needs. You could be lucky and this is just a short phase, sent by the heavens to test your reserves of patience.

My reserves are rapidly running out!! When you say consistancy in what way do you mean? we have routine and we try to keep everything normal? but maybe I am missing something? sorry if I sound thick?

sandiep wrote: »

When I had some attention seeking bad behaviour from my 7yr old, then I know that we two can go head to head and row for ever. When i'm rational, i know that the thing that will difuse it better than anything is a hug.

I have a chat with her now every time it starts on that "look at me, look at me" behaviour and simply tell her that if she wants my time and attention all she's got to do is come and ask for a hug, any time, any place, night or day, and she'll always get it. I physically see it go through her eyes sometimes, the rise of the temper/frustration, the decision to either kick off or come for a hug.

One other thing - how's his school work/behaviour? Maybe he's trying to distract everyone from something else that's bothering him. Is he struggling with his reading? Is he a very competitive child and perhaps threatened by other children doing better than him in school. Is his eye sight good?

Have you tried a day away, just you and him, and then a good bit into the day when he's relaxed and happy, just asking him how things are at the moment? Not asking outright if anythings bothering him but kind of leading up to it in a roundabout way. I tend to find that chats like this are always more productive when away from home.

Wow I thought it was just me who could have a stand up row with a child!! we have been at loggerheads before and I thought that was horrible but this is 10 times worse and now he knows not to row back with me!

His school behaviour is good as I mentioned in a post above. His reading is fantastic and coming on a treat. Teacher said he is top group in Maths and spelling and is nearly ready to move to top group for reading. He does struggle with writing though not because he can't write but because he is left handed and can't see when he writes cause his hand covers it. He spends a lot of time making sure his letter formation is good then the teacher says he hasn't put enough writing on the page but been sat there the same amount of time as the other children.

Have tried to have days away with him but that has even ended up with him spoiling it with his behaviour and then I think about doing something like that but get all worked up cause I know it will be a disaster!! I like your thinking though and will be reading all of this to OH later on tonight when he calls to see if we can come up with an action plan!

As for hugs, he can have as many as he wants, although thinking about it he probably sees my DD always wanting them and maybe that is something? she loves her hugs and kisses all day long, maybe I need to make more of an effort to give them to him aswell when she wants them? I also tell both children I love them at bedtime (they say it back to me aswell) and I tell DS I love him as he walks away to go into his class!

sandiep

One of those parent programs used a penny technique. That they'd give the child a certain allocation of money every day, and then everytime they were naughty they'd loose a penny each time. I remember it had quite an impact, kids desperate not to loose a penny......

sandiep

I think it's just comfort, security and reassurance.

Can you have a chat with his teacher to find out if any of his friends parents have perhaps split up. He might has misinterpreted the working away bit. Hubby and me had a bit of a barny the other night and my youngest asked if we would be splitting the family up. Sometimes, they hear about things happening in other families and their little heads misinterpret and panic.

RustyFlange

Alikay wrote: »

It sounds like he's regressed in his behaviour to that of a much younger child (ignoring instructions, whining and crying, being naughty instead of putting himself to bed etc), so maybe you could try treating him as if he is younger - actually putting him to bed, giving him fewer choices, rather than telling him to do something then leaving him to do it, do it with him, just like you did when he was 3 or 4.

I don't mean do it as a punishment, just tell him it's what you're going to do because you're the mummy and you love him and know what's best for him. It often makes children feel more secure if they're a bit troubled and they will progress again when they're back on an even keel emotionally.

Consistent discipline is important too, but with what's been going on in his short life it sounds to me like it could be having a few problems coping rather than simple naughtiness. x

This has reminded me about something else, we were away a couple of weeks ago, he came back from his real dads on the wednesday then we went away on the thursday, on 2 occasions in the next 4 days following his return he wet himself, he told me seconds before he did it that he needed the toilet, not giving me enough chance to pull over if I was driving or even attempt to find a toilet? I couldn't decide if it was something like regressing cause something was up somewhere or if it was simply cause he had just forgot to mention it? This isn't like him though, he wet the bed for several years after a full year of being dry and out of nappies but then he stopped just over a year ago and hasn't wet the bed since. These accidents were completely out of the blue though?

RuBy wrote: »

Hi,

I hope things get better for you, I know you don't want to hear this, but it is generally a phase little lads go through, he is not such a new kid at school so is confident to try his luck.

Things that worked for me with my child, I involve him with things I do,
he helps prepare dinner, the bits he can manage!,We both pack his lunch after he chooses the bits from the cupboard.
I randomly ask his advice on meal suggestions, what shall we watch? etc,

I make time to read with him daily,( often whilst stirring dinner)

I also limit consoles / computers to wednesday evening and weekends only, and only then if he has behaved in the week,

I generally ignore the tantrums or silly behaviour as he soon gets bored when I don't respond in any which way,

It is hard but i bite my lip as screeching at him just winds me up more than it does him, He thinks im harsh but fair when I ask him!

Hope it all works out.

Thankyou, I do include him in things like cooking etc, whilst he doesn't play on his consoles daily it is mainly at weekends but even then it depends on his mood, he hasn't touched either console in 2 weeks? I will see what I can some up with in the sense of maybe some kind of weekly rota? have set times where we do things?

WannaBeTeenager

Why not join him???
do what he does to you...
when he asks you for something/ do something, ignore him. when he plays up don't let him go on things that he likes. when he talks to you nastily then tell him just to go to the step until he can ask properly.

Snowmoredebt

Does he have a pet? We promised our son a rabbit if he was good he's now much more responsible and patient and it taught him to think about others. He had to jump through hoops to get it no nonsense if he was naughty he had to start again.

RuBy

WannaBeTeenager wrote: »

Why not join him???
do what he does to you...
when he asks you for something/ do something, ignore him. when he plays up don't let him go on things that he likes. when he talks to you nastily then tell him just to go to the step until he can ask properly.

Your post reminded me of the lady in the advert that responds to her kid by having a tantrum on a supermarket floor :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::T:T:T

BitterAndTwisted

When I mentioned being consistent I thought perhaps that the outcome due to his bad behaviour wasn't always the same. What is your normal threat of punishment when he's testing you? I'm really evil and manipulative so I'd have a think about what it is that he values most at the moment and threaten to take it away. It might be playing with his chums or a particular activity or treat that he likes most. Some schools of thought say completely ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good. I do see sense in this but it would take super-human reserves to follow it consistently long-term.

As an aside, I'm most surprised to hear that a mere seven year-old has a TV in his bedroom. Is this normal these days?

Spendless

When my son was 7 I could have written most of your opening post (and I also have a younger daughter who does not act this way at all).

I did a parenting course at the school which opened me to different techniques I'd never heard of, eg reflection of feelings worked well with my son - ie 'and you were upset/embarrasassed/felt it wasn't fair that .......' and could often nip something in the bud before it started.

I read 'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph which whilst it didn't give me any solutions certainly helped me to understand how he 'ticked'. My son is the first experience of boys I have, I don't have a brother and my male cousins were all a lot younger and brought up in a different town to me, so rarely saw them.

My son 'grew up' around his 9th birthday (he's 9 3/4 now). He also joined cubs which seemed to make him more responsible and sensible.

And certainly the not listening can be a boy thing - something I only realised when my dd started school and was a lot more informative.