How to persuade OH to have second baby? Help!

theatretony

From a man's point of view.....

My other half also wants another child (ours is 5 at the moment, and has lots of friends).

I have said no to this many times for certain reasons. Firstly, financially I do not think we could afford another child we are struggling now. Also, we own a 2 bed terrace and we cannot afford another bigger house.

I would actually like another child, but under the current circumstances, I feel we have to wait until things recover.

fantasia322

This is just a thought and not meant offensively.
Why is it that you want another child.?
There has to be a better reason than seeing 2 children families of the box.
Is it perhaps your little one is growing and you might miss the baby stage?
Perhaps your desire for another child is being stimulated by the fact that your OH isnt keen at the moment.
I made a big mistake when my OH said no of coming off the pill without telling him. He never found out and accepted it as one of those things that happens.
But I lived with the eternal guilt of lying (and it was a lie). I dont mean that my child was a mistake, anything but. But he was conceived without my partners consent
and i feel terrible about that still, 24 years later.
It has to be a joint thing and calm discussion works far better than constant harping.
Perhaps he just isnt ready for another one yet. but may be through time.
Hope things work for you what ever you decide to do.
I just know thats there is no sure fire way of getting a partner to agree to another child unless he actually wants one at the same time.

iofox

Hi, thanks for all the replies. You've been very helpful & have pointed out what I already know-that we need to talk.

I'm frustrated as it seems as though every couple we know manage to get on with life and embrace children as a positive thing, I would love a big family & am very aware that we only get one life to live as we want. I work with the elderly & am always being told that they regret having one child...I know that my OH has as much right to life his life how he wants as I do, but I'm frustrated as it seems that my wishes have to come last when I am the main carer for our child, and would be for other children.
It's a very hard juggling act in my head as I want more than anything for us to want the same thing, as Odette said if I force him into impregnating me he will grow to resent me but I know that if i get to 80 and look back at my life I will resent him for saying no to my dream. Am i being completely unreasonable?

Btw, I love my little boy with all my heart & know I am so lucky to have him- he's a happy boy but I know how much happier he could be with a sibling. It seems to be that my OH is being unfair to him by denying him the right to such an important thing.

Sorry for the rant!

MrsTinks

In fairness you THINK he'd be so much happier with another sibling... but would he prefer a mummy and daddy and him or a mummy, him and a brother sister and a dad he gets to see every second weekend because mummy and daddy got divorced?
I'm not trying to play down the urge for another child btw - I can't see it being different to the first one (and I have a 6 month old lol) so I know it can be strong... But if your partners feelings about not having another child is strong enough then you may need to face having only one child or decide if having a 2nd child is more important than your partner...
But what you NEED to do is discuss things with your partner - ask why he doesn't want another child and explain why you DO...

And I can assure you as a child I was not in the least bit happier when I was given a half brother or half sister. I loathed my brother (didn't really learn to love him till I was in my twenties...) and never got to know my sister thanks to my step mum but wasn't impressed when she arrived in any case.
Just because SOME children are happy with siblings doesn't mean they won't make another childs life miserable!

And it's not like he's unhappy now is it?

And your feelings are not coming last - you're asking a lot of your partner... Yes you may be the main carer but that puts a lot of strain on him to be the main earner! He can provide for you now but what if another came along? What if he lost his job? Emotionally he may also be feeling pushed aside if all you want him for is to privide another child (not saying it is - but this may be how he sees it... )

JBD

I'm sorry, but I do think some posters are being a little unfair to Iofox here. There seems to be the assumption that her OH's wishes come ahead of hers?. He may have valid reasons for only wanting 1 child, she may have equally valid reasons for wanting 2. Neither of them are right or wrong. Why is she not supposed to pressurise her OH? Surely he is putting just as much pressure on her by saying no.
OP, obviously barring a genuine accident, one of you will eventually have to compromise, assuming neither of you changes your mind. I wouldn't like to be in that place right now. Hopefully you can both resolve this situation.

Little_Maya

I can't really help with your question, but I just wanted to mention that I am an only child and that when I was growing up I never felt the need for a brother or sister! Don't remember feeling lonely or bored either, had plenty of friends, a couple of dogs and a cat...

scrimpingbadger

I have an only child and I don't want any more! I know my limitations. We couldn't afford another one in any case. We got our boy a dog instead; result: he gets a play mate, I get a running partner and dad gets the walkies in the cold dark rain. It's win win win for us!

UKTigerlily

iofox wrote: »

Hi, thanks for all the replies. You've been very helpful & have pointed out what I already know-that we need to talk.

I'm frustrated as it seems as though every couple we know manage to get on with life and embrace children as a positive thing, I would love a big family & am very aware that we only get one life to live as we want. I work with the elderly & am always being told that they regret having one child...I know that my OH has as much right to life his life how he wants as I do, but I'm frustrated as it seems that my wishes have to come last when I am the main carer for our child, and would be for other children.
It's a very hard juggling act in my head as I want more than anything for us to want the same thing, as Odette said if I force him into impregnating me he will grow to resent me but I know that if i get to 80 and look back at my life I will resent him for saying no to my dream. Am i being completely unreasonable?

Btw, I love my little boy with all my heart & know I am so lucky to have him- he's a happy boy but I know how much happier he could be with a sibling. It seems to be that my OH is being unfair to him by denying him the right to such an important thing.

Sorry for the rant!

He indeed could be happier but not necessarily. My Brother & I never got on & when he came along it didn't make my life happier in any respect, and now we're 26 & 30 & still don't have any contact. This should be about genuine reasons & the possibility of your Son being happier isn't a reason IMO as it's just as likely he won't be, or will be less happy. Your OH IMO is being fair to him *not* unfair as he's the one providing for him financially & to have another child you can't currently afford & that one parent doesn't want isn't fair to anybody, besides all of that no child should be unwanted by one parent, think of the potential child.

It seems to me that you need to see if your OH is dead against another & if you really can't live life without two kids then you'll have to split up & find a man who does want one, which would be far from fair to your Son. Some of us can't have even 1, be thankful x

pinkshoes

Is this about you wanting a sibling for your boy, or you feeling incomplete only having 1 child?

If the latter, just tell your OH how you feel.

Did you not discuss this before you started trying to conceive your first child? If the two of you didn't discuss it, then I guess you can't really resent him for it, unless, of course, he's since changed his mind and previously wanted more than one.

If my OH only wanted 1 child, I wouldn't be with him, because I want 2+. (we don't have any yet - still doing the career thing!)

ceridwen

fantasia322 wrote: »

This is just a thought and not meant offensively.
Why is it that you want another child.?
There has to be a better reason than seeing 2 children families of the box.
Is it perhaps your little one is growing and you might miss the baby stage?
Perhaps your desire for another child is being stimulated by the fact that your OH isnt keen at the moment.
I made a big mistake when my OH said no of coming off the pill without telling him. He never found out and accepted it as one of those things that happens.
But I lived with the eternal guilt of lying (and it was a lie). I dont mean that my child was a mistake, anything but. But he was conceived without my partners consent
and i feel terrible about that still, 24 years later.
It has to be a joint thing and calm discussion works far better than constant harping.
Perhaps he just isnt ready for another one yet. but may be through time.
Hope things work for you what ever you decide to do.
I just know thats there is no sure fire way of getting a partner to agree to another child unless he actually wants one at the same time.

Well....that was a brave thing to do - ie to admit publically like that that you made a mistake - that is a lot more than most people would do in those circumstances.

I think that was a very useful contribution to this thread.:T