How to persuade OH to have second baby? Help!

Paparika

Please don't have another baby not whilst your OH doesn't want one, that would be selfish.

I am an only child and so is my son, yes i wanted another child, but that decision was taken away from me, i had to face the facts and get on with my life with just the one.

no one here should be helping you change his mind. you need to find out why he doesn't want one, and perhaps respect that, maybe it's because as a planet we are over populated? maybe it's money? you may financially be ok now, but during this credit crunch is it wise to put more financial pressure on him?

Sit back and enjoy your little one, and wait until they may produce there own later, and enjoy their children.

fantasia322

iofox wrote: »

Blimey, my post has taken a bit of a bashing- I'd like to point out that I was only asking for some positives to having a second child that I could present my OH with, and wasn't planning on tricking or forcing him into it. I'm acting on my very strong maternal instincts, and really don't think that I am being 'selfish' or in some way wrong for wanting 2 children.
UKTigerLily, I'm well aware that I'm lucky to have 1, as I pointed out in my previous post. I'm not posting to rub anyone up the wrong way.
I am assuming that my little one MAY be happier with a sibling based on my own experiences & the experiences of those around me- how else could I do it? I'm not able to go into the future & see what relationship my little one has with their sibling, but all I want to do is give him the chance. That doesn't seem bad to me. I'm not silly enough to assume that everyone with a sibling is happy & that they are best of friends, but I am well aware that a sibling gives us more than friendship & teaches us many life lessons when we're growing up.
I respect my OH and listen to his opinions, that is why I am not demanding anything from him. I just needed some hints on how to make this issue into a more equal discussion.

I did'nt mean to ' bash' your post. Its just that I have known some women who are so desperate for another child they will do what I did, and coerece my OH without consent.
I didnt mean to insinuate that you would take this path.
Honestly. I also took the opportunity to admit (albeit in a forum) that I did this dishonestly, it isnt a nice feeling, and I know that my son Kris would be devasted if he learned the circumstances of his conception.
I just meant that I have had to live with the guilt, I push it to the back of my mind most of the time but your post reminded me and I used your post a sounding board to vocalise it publically. I'm not proud, and it smacked of selfish desperation, because I was having my own way at any cost.
I seriously didnt mean to insinuate that this was a path you would follow.

maggied_2

I'm not a mum but am a step mum and have found with my OH's DD that now she's a bit older it can be more difficult (she's 8). She doesn't especially want to play with us and the last holiday we went on was rather difficult - terrible British weather, 2 adults and 1 seven year old...all bored!! Not many activities we could all enjoy (well not for an entire week anyway!!) and we didn't get a second alone.

It just made me think of when we went on family holidays (I'm one of 3) as soon as we arrived somewhere the three of us would go together to find the nearest playground / thing to do and would barely see my parents! Same for the school holidays - even though we spent plenty of time bickering and knocking lupms out of each other (we all get on very well now ) we had each other for entertainment.

It's OK if there are lots of other children around but difficult to constantly entertain older children.

I completely understand your reasons for wanting more children - your desire for them is just as valid as your OH's to not have more!

I do know that I wouldn't be without my siblings for anything - our family get together are rowdy and fun and I can't wait until we all have children of our own and start the process all over again!

I have noticed (and I know some people are perfectly happy being only children) IN MY EXPERIENCE that only children can struggle more socially as they haven't had the corners knocked off them in the way that only siblings can.

Good luck with it xx

ceridwen

...and this is where I am now sitting puzzling by what is meant by only children might "not have had the corners knocked off them". I actually dont honestly know what that means....

....and it doesnt sound particularly nice - whatever it means...

As for OH's desire not to have more children being belittled - errr....well I'm guessing he would be expected to do the lions share of finding the cash to pay for a 2nd child. People are entitled to decide what way to spend their own money - and not have someone else deciding for them...

iofox

fantasia322- I didn't really mean that you had been doing any 'bashing'- yours was a constructive post & I really appreciated your honesty. Thank you.:)

maggied- Thank you so much for sympathising with me & seeing that my wishes are as important as my OH's- I think that's all I needed.:)

ceridwen- My OH's desires not to have any more children have definately not been 'belittled' - there have been 2 messages supporting me on here & about 25 supporting him. My OH and I both work & earn the same amount, I don't think it's helpful to imply that I plan to sponge off him in any way and he spends his money exactly how he wants to.

Ms_Chocaholic

I haven't read through the entire thread and someone may already have said this but the OP assumes that if she had another child then they would get on and play together, the children would be company for each other.

A friend of mine had the same dilemma around ten years ago, should she have another child as she didn't want her son, then aged around 5, to be an only child. She went on to have another child and what happened, well the children don't get on and have fought like cat and dog ever since. She doesn't regret having the second child but it was not as she imagined family life to be.

HariboJunkie

iofox wrote: »

fantasia322- I didn't really mean that you had been doing any 'bashing'- yours was a constructive post & I really appreciated your honesty. Thank you.:)

maggied- Thank you so much for sympathising with me & seeing that my wishes are as important as my OH's- I think that's all I needed.:)

ceridwen- My OH's desires not to have any more children have definately not been 'belittled' - there have been 2 messages supporting me on here & about 25 supporting him. My OH and I both work & earn the same amount, I don't think it's helpful to imply that I plan to sponge off him in any way and he spends his money exactly how he wants to.

I didn't see anyone belittling your OH's desires either. As for how he spends his "OWN" money... Most people I know work on the principle that money earned is family income. I would be horrified to hear a husband describe his earnings as purely his money, particularly if his wife is doing the rather valuable job of bringing up children.

Only you and your OH can decide this. I have twins and wanted more but had to leave it at that for various reasons. If he is determined to have no more then you can't change that but I see no harm in asking him why he feels this way and putting your own points across.

SimonJB

I was really unsure about a second, I enjoyed my home life when it was just the three of us.

However, my partner had a very strong desire to add to the family so we decided to try for another baby and were blessed with a second Son. They're now really close brothers and I'd never have believed such a close bond could develope at such an early age.

My advice to your husband with hindsight would be to go for it, have the kids close together so they can play together. However, he'll probably take more convincing than a strangers opinion from MSE so get his friends and family who have more than one child to help

Intastella

basmic wrote: »

I don't agree with leaving him, just because he doesn't want another child. That says to me you don't like his views, and are spitting your dummy because you're not getting what you want.

If that one's for me (i'm assuming that it is coz i'm the only one who's said it) let me explain it a bit better.

For the last 2 1/2 years my partner has gone on about how much he would like another child (he has a 10yr old son who lives with his mum). Then, very unexpecedly, my GP told me that i would be eligible for IVF, because we didn't have any children living with us. (This wasn't an option in my home town) Course i was over the moon! Had our first couple of appointments down at the clinic....then he changed his mind. This is the guy who a few weeks earlier, after first being told about the IVF, was actually crying on me saying how much he wanted another child. No explanation, no discussion, apart from saying that it was different when it was just 'fantasy'...knowing that i couldn't catch naturally. I think that's just out and out cruel, so that's why i'm leaving him.

Sorry if i've hijacked your thread a bit iofox! Of course your opinion is as important as your partner's...but it helps when you can actually make it heard doesn't it! :rolleyes: Is he actually saying no full stop or just no for now?

I brought my daughter up as an only child, and always regretted not being able to give her a brother or sister.

Churchmouse

ceridwen wrote: »

...and this is where I am now sitting puzzling by what is meant by only children might "not have had the corners knocked off them". I actually dont honestly know what that means....

....and it doesnt sound particularly nice - whatever it means...

As for OH's desire not to have more children being belittled - errr....well I'm guessing he would be expected to do the lions share of finding the cash to pay for a 2nd child. People are entitled to decide what way to spend their own money - and not have someone else deciding for them...

ceridwen, I might very well be wrong, but I think "having the corners knocked off them" means that children/people who are one of many, rather than a singleton, have to learn to compromise and make allowances for others' points of view, and needs. They will usually have learned to share and put their own needs/wants secondary to someone else's. It's really not that bad. A good life-lesson in not being a selfish so-and-so I suppose a good alternative is being "a well-rounded person", as opposed to being " a self-centred *******" . As for the money aspect, as my DH has always said " it's OUR money, not my money". This is the only aspect when my DH has got really angry........ when I've said he earns the money. As he pointed out, if I hadn't been willing to bring up OUR children he'd have been unable to work away from our home as his firm demanded. Anyway as the OP says, she brings in as much as him ( and well done to you, I was one of the kept, useless housewife and mother types :T:T)

Is it just me, or is it a bit strange how the OP is "selfish" for wanting to have another child, while her DH is not for wanting to enforce his decision not to have another