friend slept with family friend but his partner died only two months ago :(

emmas42

I lost my partner when I was 28 and TBH you crave the touch of someone so much, you do some really daft things.
I had a couple of very unsuitable flings quite soon after I lost him. It was purely to feel wanted, and I felt terrible afterwards. I am now nearly 3 years down the line and wouldn't dream of doing anything like that now. I think I was caught up in the grief and the need to be held and touched. I went from being hugged and kissed every day to no human contact at all. It makes you a little bit crazy.

cakeordeath_2

windswept wrote: »

Using a drunk young woman for "comfort" is vile, no matter how much he is grieving.
If she was very drunk, she wasn't in a coherent state to even give consent.
He can't be that bothered about the loss of his partner imho.

no responsibility for her own actions then? she's an adult, she got drunk. Why lay all the responsibility at his door, he's probably in just as vunerable a state but without it being self inflicted.

RadoJo

windswept wrote: »

Using a drunk young woman for "comfort" is vile, no matter how much he is grieving.
If she was very drunk, she wasn't in a coherent state to even give consent.
He can't be that bothered about the loss of his partner imho.

Windswept - There are a lot of assumptions in your post - the OP doesn't state that she was so drunk she couldn't consent so you are making a massive leap to effectively accuse someone of rape.

OP - I think you have to accept that grief makes people do things that might seem odd, callous or inappropriate, but that you shouldn't decide the whole future of your friendship based on this. I can understand feeling disloyal to your friend, but at the same time, her partner's really hurting and I imagine that she wouldn't want you to add to that by cutting him off as a friend. I hope you can find a way to make peace with this incident and not let it ruin your memories of your friend.

Pee

At my ex's funeral there was a lady he had been involved with before who had recently split from her husband. She was very upset about my ex but ended up trying to take another friend home - a younger friend at that point in a shaky marriage which has since ended. At the time, I was a little bit annoyed and a bit shocked about it, thinking you don't go to funerals to pull, etc, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought the fact we were there, someone had died fairly young and fairly unexpectedly and it was the very situation that caused her behaviour.

I can see why it bothers you. I'm trying to think how I would feel if two months after my death my boyfriend was with someone else. You know, I think I'd be happy that he had someone for the night. I wouldn't think that it meant that I meant nothing to him.

Although a thirty year old being with a twenty year old isn't that shocking, it really depends on the people, which might be the reason you raised their ages.

I imagine that it is also weird for you as whether this relationship comes to anything or not, it reminds you that whilst one friend is dead and buried another is probably going to move on with his life and maybe onto better things. That can seem like a rejection of your friend, too.

I think your feelings are quite natural, but give yourself some time to come to terms with it and try to be understanding for all involved.

jaffa30

aliasojo wrote: »

I'd think we all react differently and it was none of my damned business.

Well said :T

misty_blue_2

i would say " please dont judge this man"
firstly it has nothing to do with anyone, how do you know your friend and him have never had a discussion about things like this and she told him to go out and enjoy his life ?
death / grieving makes people react in different ways.
i am severely disabled and met my hubby 9 years ago,
i have ALWAYS told him should anything happen to me, to enjoy what life he had left and if he met someone straight away and wanted to be with them he has my blessing, i wouldnt want him to be miserable and unloved.
His answer to this was what people would think of him, i have told him to hell with peoples opinions and tell them to mind their own damned business
yes you might feel it is wrong and i feel for you because your friend has gone, but please you have no right to judge him, leave him to deal with this in his own way

fly_dragon_fly

i should have worded it right by saying he was never really my friend he was more my friends partner, he always cheated on her and they broke up a few times so i had some dislike to him anyway

but coming away from that what i have just said speaking to my best friend this morning who's sister it was the sister has said that nothing happened.

so the next question is why would he lie?

i would ask him myself but i'm not a big fan of the bloke even before this he was my partners friend while i was friends with his partner.

thank you for all the replies though.

Errata

aliasojo wrote: »

I'd think we all react differently and it was none of my damned business.

Totally agree, none of us can see into someone else's head or heart.

zzzLazyDaisy

You don't like the guy, maybe for good reason, and you are still grieving for your friend. You feel angry about the way he was unfaithful to her when she was here, and now you probably feel angry that he is continuing to be unfaithful now she has gone.

But you know what - she doesn't care any more, and neither should you.

He is not your friend, you have no reason to continue any relationship with him, if you don't want to. So why not just disconnect yourself from him - emotionally, at least. You are only hurting yourself - he has to find his own way through his grief, and so do you.

belfastgirl23

I do understand where you're coming from on it and I think you have a right to feel upset yourself. But until you walk a mile in someone's shoes you can't really judge. He's going through a lot, and actually it can almost be worse if you haven't always behaved well within the marriage because you'd have regrets as well as grief.

As for the young woman involved, it doesn't sound like she was an unwilling partner. Perhaps she was also using him to get over whatever sad life events she's faced?

It's fine to feel upset but I'd say keep it to yourself, it won't help anyone.

Oh and have you thought it could be the girl herself lying rather than him? Certainly that seems like the more likely scenario to me..might not want to admit to her sister what had happened