A Fool and Her Money- CAFCGIRL's Debt Diary

gallygirl

Aw hun, big hug. You've got depression, plain and simple. You won't be the first and you won't be the last, but you feel as if you're the only person in the world whose ever felt this bad. I know cos I've been there.

There's only 1 thing for it - get to the doctors PRONTO. That's the best place for you at the mo. Hopefully you can get some med that will kick in quickly, then you can take a long hard look at your life. Now really is not the best time to be making major decisions about where to live, work etc. You need to get your health sorted first.

Your body has been trying to get your attention for a while. You didn't listen, so now it;s really making itself heard. LISTEN TO IT!!!!! Cry as much as you want, it's cathartic, but please go to the doctors. They'll recognise you're not just fed up, I promise you. You're not a failure, depression happens top people in all walks of life, but crap circumstances probably brings it on quicker.

Please don't despair. You WILL get over this, and come out stronger, I promise you.

We're all here for you, pm me any time xx

CAFCGirl

Thanks hun,
I just cant see any light if that makes sense, I'm going through each day clouded by something, I feel like I'm on an autopilot!
Nothing makes sense and everything just seems wrong somehow

PeachPickle

I feel so bad for you. I agree with Ali, try and get to the doctors. I've been there too, just feeling like you're being pressed down and down and pushed into the ground and feeling like that'd actually be a nice place to be. You have to push back, even though it's so hard. Again, like Ali said (oh wise one ) don't make any big decisions when you're feeling like this.

Pm me anytime you like, and you've got my msn. In fact, if you're free next sunday I'll come over and we can go for a coffee or something if you'd like? Or sod it, I'm off tomorrow so if you're free I'll jump on a bus if you don't feel like being alone. I'll even do my sealion impression (that's a lie, I won't actually)

:grouphug: feel better x

gallygirl

I know what you mean about being clouded - I used to go to work and laugh and joke with everyone - but felt as if I was outside myself looking in, none of it touched me. Then when I got home I'd curl up on the sofa and cry - not sobs, just lierally sit there with water running down my face.

The best of it was I'd just finished an OU course on psychology - felt like I'd moved straight onto the practical! I can laugh about it now, but it as horrible at the time. And because it came on slowly I didn't even realise how low I was until I wasn't any more if you know what I mean.

Can't offer you any sealion impresssions but have another hug :grouphug: and please go to the doctors x

ZTD

You have depression. But I'm sure you already guessed that. You see the world, but in shades of black. It would be best if you did keep your appointment with your Doctor, and listen to what he/she has to say.

Try to share some of it with your bf. It would be unfair to keep him totally in the dark, as to why you're feeling down. Human contact does help mood. Make him hug you a lot. Get him to be nice to you.

Don't worry about your job, either keeping it, or getting another. If you hate retail, why don't you try something in the office area (for example) - you can obviously use a computer, and your current regime of money-saving undoubtable has improved your maths. I know there is very little worse than hating your job, but you have plenty of opportunities around you. Try to improve your skills, there was a link to a free Excel course posted a little while back. Try to keep busy, and focused.

Try not to see your current round of money-saving as a "punishment" for your previous sins. They aren't. The past is gone, "coulda woulda shoulda" is an easy trap to fall into, but it never helps. There is nothing to be "guilty and ashamed" about. You did what you did, now you've stopped doing it - and you should be proud you have it in you to be strong. You are money saving now, not as atonement for the past, but to brighten your future. Have you calculated your DFD? Your future will be bright, brighter than those "happy and carefree" people around you. Remember that.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

jessicamb

Cant add anything to the above posts but

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

scottishspendaholic

CAFCGirl - so many hugs going to you - maybe meet up with PeachPickle (what a kind offer) and just talk and talk and talk until everything is all out then try and piece everything together between you. This will help, I promise.

I have never been diagnosed with 'depression' but I so understand what you are feeling like - that outside looking in feeling is more common than you may think. One evening a few weeks ago I felt so low, I was sitting on the beach watching the sun set and thinking through everything - I couldn't see a way out of all my problems and was considering just walking into the sea and not looking back however, fast forward a couple of weeks and lots has happened I couldn't have forseen and everything seems so much rosier. Then my period started the next day and I understood why I felt SOOOO low.

Lots of love and hugs. Please go and see you doctor and talk to anyone you can - please don't let everything get on top of you.

scottishspendaholic x

CAFCGirl

I've cried through every single one of those posts. thank you all so much.

Rome wasn't built in a day and so I don't see any hope for rebuilding myself any time soon.

I've been sent home from work again, I just cant function, felt so ill, and weak and just dazed.Manager snapped at me, left me on my own for an hour, during which time I had a panic attack. I dont even know how I made it home.

The disciplinary tomorrow is running through my head continuously, so i'm guessing I feel sick with worry. I just dont know what to do to make it any better. I know my manager is annoyed at me for feeling sick so I'm forcing myself to go through the days, and then it all catches up with me.

And the other really depressing thing is that normally this would be when I would go shopping, sign up for a store card and blow some serious cash! God I wish I could!

The BF does know a fair bit about it but as he always says he doesnt really understand so he doesn't know what he can do to help, and I dont even know what I want him to do to help either. And when I do know, I cant put it into words, or ask. I know I cant expect him to be a mind reader, but life would just be so much easier if he was

As much as I really would like to see the sea-lion impression, I have the dreaded disciplinary to go to, but thank you so much Peaches, it was a beautiful thing to say....

Off to wallow in self pity now, but thankyou to everyone

gallygirl

Moderate amounts of self pity allowed!!!!

Once tomorrow is over & done with you'll feel much better, regardless of the outcome. Do you have someone to go in with you - this is allowed.

ali x

CAFCGirl

no, noone going in with me, I only got the letter telling me to attend on friday, so I've had no time, I'm not happy with it blah blah blah
The whole thing has just been a complete farce. My manager had a row with the area manager on the phone this morning, before I went home, and it all seemed to blow up!

Apparently we shouldn't worry, noone is going to lose their jobs and they cant see why we (i.e manager and self) are making such a fuss!
But yet they can make one! It's just all a slap in the face.

Hopefully I will feel better once I've got tomorrow out of the way, I dont feel any better today since I came home. I'm opting to try and flush the whole thing out with plenty of water. I've felt like this all weekend so maybe it is a worry thing.

However did get a phone call from a rather rude woman this morning telling me she is conducting the first round of interviews for a job I applied for ages ago. Yet I've got to travel 30 miles on a coach to attend, and she made such a fuss since I told her my day off was thurs and she cant do interviews then because its her day off! So asked about an evening one, managed to agree on friday for an interview.

However I've still got to try and finish early from work (not sure my boss is going to like that!), but then she's finishing early tomorrow for an interview, so maybe she'll understand!

Although I am kinda happy the overall feeling ming and the rudeness of that woman has seriously underwhelmed me!

Must get better.........