Would a reckless spender put you off a relationship?

melancholly

chriz1000 wrote:

Very true mate, didn’t really think about the fact you don’t find out about peoples financial situation until sometime into the relationship. Debt isn’t exactly something you boast about

exactly... hadn't thought of that either!
although conversely i do now tell everyone about MSE and have to share any advice with OH (who luckily for me is pretty careful with money!)..... i imagine a reckless spender would dispatch me in days because of my obsession with saving pennies at every opportunity

Tr@cker

I wonder if Heather had any debts if i'd have been Paul i'd deffo have pre-nupped her!

sarah0404

Well, I live with a reckless spender. At the moment I (almost) have him onboard with getting out of debt. His main loves were his computer (spent I believe around £5,000 on it altogether, constantly upgrading bits) and also the car. He has sold the computer, we're using a slightly damaged Ebay laptop at the moment. Also sold the car. He cycles to work now or gets the bus. We're still paying the loan for the car, but at least there are none of the outgoings that go with it now. If we keep to all our budgets we should be debt free by Dec 2009. But...... how long will it be before he decides he wants a new car/computer/thing? How long can we keep this up for?

TBH I blame him for most of the debt. But of course it wouldn't have happened if I had more control over the money, and knew exactly where it was all going, and what we could afford. Many times I have begged him not to buy something, and he has ignored me. But I think he maybe has the attitude that HE earns the money, so HE should spend it. When we were having our third child we wanted to get a new bigger car. He wanted a Saab :rolleyes: but we agreed on a Volvo estate car. I said lets get an S reg or something like that as it will be cheaper, and a 1.6 engine as it'll be cheaper to insure. We were both still under 23 at the time. Insurance on a 1.2 corsa was £600 for us. I thought a budget of £6000 was ok. BUT...... no, what we ended up with was a W reg, 2.0 litre, metalic paint, leather interior etc etc which was £10,000. :mad: I begged him not to buy it. Even cried for effect, but it didn't work. When I looked about for insurance quotes they were coming up at about £2,000! That didn't even put him off. (in the end we got insured by the AA for under £1000)

I am serious about being debt free. I feel like I have a new outlook on life, and see how stupid credit cards and loans are. If we just wait a little bit longer we can save up and pay for things outright. Even a stupid 10k car :mad: I have 3 small children and I worry about their futures. When I die (I'm only 25 so not planning on it anytime soon) all they will inherit is a bunch of debts. What if one (or all!) want to go to university. I will have no money to help them out. At the worst point of my debt I couldn't even buy bread and milk. I had to feed them porridge for breakfast, lunch and tea for 3 or 4 days! (OH came home from work and ordered takeaway for his tea on credit card! I don't even have access to credit cards! Maybe he doesn't trust me :eek: ) I also worry about not having a pension. I have not worked since I was 20. I'm not planning on working for the while. I'm home educating my children, so it's not very easy for me to get a job. What will happen to me when I'm old? Who knows if state pensions will still be around?

SO...... after a lot of thinking, I have decided if he starts overspending again, I'm going to have to leave him. Who knows what I will do, how I will survive, and even if I can walk away from our joint debts, but I need to provide a financially secure future for my children. I do NOT ever ever again want to be feeding them porridge because I can't afford to buy anything else.

choccyface2006

I agree with you Kevicho, a reckless spender would certainly put me off a relationship. I like to be in control of my money and thats so much easier when you are single or with a like-minded person. I lived with a man who gambled for a living, sometimes it worked for him and he made quite abit of money but in the long term, his debts increased as he tried to keep on top of things. Our finances were always separate but it really bothered me, I guess we just had such a different outlook on money, his outlook was that you have to speculate to accuculate (which, of course never worked) I would rather control my spending and save steadily, a surer bet in my book.

Sarah

ceegee

Kevicho wrote:

If you liked someone but they have a reckless attitude to spending (ie it all went on going out, nothing in savings) would that put you off? (i know it does me)

Yes, yes and thrice yes. To me it would say a lot about their general attitude and sense of (ir) responsibility.

Butterfly

Hi Kevicho,

Yes I have just ended a short-term relationship with a guy because he was in debt and still debting and it unfortunately affected our relationship.

After 3 years of getting myself sorted financially and finally on the home straight, I feel I deserve to be with someone now who has the same values as me and sees life the way I do. There are so many things involved with sorting your money out...taking responsibility, having self discipline, self respect, determination etc. My recent ex sadly was lacking in these and it also affected his health and he generally had a pessimistic attitude. Not great foundations for a successful relationship!

Even though he earned alot more than me, I found myself paying for drinks and food on nights out. I don't budget for that kind of thing, so I started to resent it. I also started to think twice about whether to invite him out in the first place! It ended because I couldn't envisage a long term relationship with him and I had thankfully been cautious and had not got too emotionally involved.

To be honest with you, I really don't mind if someone is in debt. That's not the issue, the issue is that they have a good attitude towards it and are making steps to stop debting. I'd rather go out with someone with the right attitude than with someone who buries their head in the sand.

I hope this helps.

Much success to you.

x Butterfly x

T.L.C

i know this one
my partner did have a problem with spending he was a brand junkie but didnt have the cash for it i have been to hell and back with him over his spending and have nearly split so many times. it has cost me alot both in worry stress and we havent been able to move forward as were always paying off his debt, i would never go for a person who has problems with debt/spending again
i was always told by my parents if you ant got it you cant spend it so cc and debts were alien to me
where as my partners family are cc junkies

if my dd ever met some one in debt id tell her to be very carefull .

this week £392 went on cc and were living on £100 child benefit for the shopping and gas and electric £20 left for the week not fun
weve had to do this a lot of times now and he dont event say thank you
or realise im fed up with it:mad:
thank you to mse i hope he gets his light bulb monent soon its only half switch on at the moment:idea: got him reading martins book and loging on here so heres hoping

Firefly

For me the end of my DFW days are in sight and I will soon be in credit for what I've just realised will probably be the first time since I was 19ish.

My ex partner wasn't good with money and we lived by the skin of our teeth which left me in a bad way when he disappeared. I got the raw deal because the loan we took out ended up being to set him up in his new life and I ended up paying for it :mad: . Still that's all behind me and I can see a brighter future ahead.

Reckless spending comes about for a reason. I know that I can spend to cheer myself up, help me to feel better about myself and my life, to impress others and a million and one other reasons - mostly negative. My guess would be that a reckless spender has a few 'issues' that could do with being dealt with and that a bright future won't happen until they do.

Then again, how do you determine reckless? I've overspent in the past, and built up huge debts but the bills have always been paid. Is that reckless?

Having worked long and hard to get myself into a plus position with no debt I woudn't be prepared to put that at risk and get dragged down by a partner who couldn't show responsibility towards their finances. It's difficult living on one income and I am always frustrated by colleagues who complain of no money when they have two incomes in their household but I still wouldn't compromise my independence for someone who couldn't be trusted with money - after all, what else couldn't you trust them with? :rolleyes:

T.L.C

ps im now totaly in charge on the spending and have the cc in my purse
so we will get df soon
hoping for dec 06 fingers crossed

Prudent

I was with someone for 15 years was heavily in debt. The hardest thing was that he contantly hid the debt from me. Retrospectively I learnt that this was because a lot of it was accounted for by affairs, prostitutes and gambling. He obviously wouldn't have been keen to account for it. We were both on decent professional salaries (he is on over 60k), but he constantly failed to live within his income. I found it hardest when my daughter was very young and I didn't work (had to give up my job becuase he insisted we live near his). My friends and family gave me everything form clothes to nappies. I vivdly remember my mum saving up to take my daugher and myself on a much needed holiday. She is a pensioner and had to save carefully. My ex did not even help towards his child's costs. A few months after coming home I found he had spent £700 in one night in a local city during the time we were on holiday. In the end I took a very stressful job simply to provide basics.

I always felt anxious about the debt - once I was back working reglualrly I offered to pay it off several times - on the understanding he became more open and accountable about finance. He refused and said his money was his business. However he constantly blamed and critcised me saying it was because he was married. The year after he left me he ran up an additional £25,000 in debt - despite a 48k annual take home pay and just £300 in rent four years on I own my house and car outright and have good savings. he has a small flat on a full mortgage and lots of debts.

The impact of all of this on me has been massive. I am like my user name very prudent and careful with money. I teach my daughter how to manage money and live well on what she has.