little rant about flatmates...

WolfSong2000

I share a flat with 4 other girls (am a 4th year uni student)...this year, 2 girls left and 2 new ones have moved in, one whom I know well, the other who I don't and hardly see...

My main bug with the flatmates is them taking advantage of me and constantly having a go at me about small things. In this case the latter at the moment is dishes in the kitchen. I'm the first to admit that I have been remiss in doing dishes to some extent, but when there's a "pile" the first reaction of everyone else is to blame me, even when it turns out the stuff isn't mine. One girl just had a go, saying the dishes had been there for "2 weeks"...no they haven't, as I just re-used them in the last few days. If there are dishes that get in my way (that aren't mine), I simply wash them up, whereas my flatmates think it's fair to constantly take me up on it. I recently blew up at one flatmate for doing this, pointing out that the majority of the stuff was hers, and I'd just spent the previous day washing up other people's stuff. I think the stress of the final year is getting to me. I seem to be constantly studying or working and yeah, I've let the odd plate/saucepan slip and it mounts up, but why can't they just do some of it themselves? God knows I've done it enough times for them...

Which leads me on to my next point - the taking advantage. I've done a lot for the flat, and am very laid back about flatmates sharing my things, but when I ask for the common courtesy of cleaning them after use, etc, I get ignored. Previous examples have included lap trays I've bought, which everyone uses, but I always end up being the one cleaning them. When I cook, flatmates regularly help themselves to my food (sometimes without even asking), but refuse to help say, clean the dish that the food was cooked in. I also spent a lot of money buying a really nice saucepan which has been badly scratched, etc, by someone using it. I also organised internet for the flat, which involved me ringing O2 almost every day for a month chasing them up, and to this day I still have to chase flatmates up for monthly payments...one flatmate (who has now left) used to rack up call charges which would initially come out of my bank account, etc. I also recently got a 30" TV for the flat (second hand)...was out in Sainsbury's and got a text from flatmate saying she'd tried to set it up, but the plug had broken. So, guess who had to go round 3 stores looking for a plug and fuses? Maybe it's just me, but what the hell was she doing messing around with the TV in the first place...yes I got it for communal use, but she brought in some speakers and I'd never dream of messing around with those because at the end of the day they're hers. I now just got kicked out of the living room while watching a DVD because flatmate wanted to watch a DVD...I politely asked her if I could finish watching the episode, and instead of getting a "sure, I'll check back in a bit" it was a case of "well how long is it going to take?". She then sighed and said she'd watch what I was watching with me, and kept commenting throughout so I couldn't always hear what was going on.

I'm not trying to make myself out to be a saint, because I'm not. I do have issues with not keeping up with dishes, but I'd much rather have my flatmates say "I've done your dishes already once, I'm not doing them again - DO IT!", which would be my attitude. After all, the friend who just took me up on dishes seems to forget that last week when she was really busy (as I am at the moment), I just did her dishes for her because I knew she was busy and it would only take me a few extra mins on top of doing my own.

At the moment I just bite my tongue 90% of the time for the sake of peace, but it is really starting to get to me. I only take my friends up on stuff if it's something I'd do myself - for instance with the lap trays, if I spill sauce, I clean it - why can't they? - whereas they'll berate me for anything, e.g. dishes, when the pile is a mixture of mine and their stuff...let he who is without sin, and all that. lol.

I also have problems with my memory and I think they use this to their advantage and "forget" to pay me back for things, hoping I'll forget. Nearly a year on I'm still awaiting a replacement of a really nice whittard plate of mine that was broken. It's just excuse after excuse, and then I'm the bad person for demanding that they replace like for like, instead of just buying a 10p plate out of asda. 2 of my flatmates still haven't paid me for phone/internet over the summer, and I forked out over £50 for TV (was given free, but had to pay for transport, etc) and DVD player and no one has even offered to pay me back, despite me asking.

They forget how much I do do for them...I never got a thank you for organising the TV, or the internet, or anything...not once. They just take it for granted that I will sort it out, something which more often than not takes up a lot of my time. They quite happily use my plates, laptrays, eat my food, etc, but I never get thanked, items never get cleaned, and then because the plate is recognised as "mine", I am blamed even if someone else used it.

Don't know what I expect to get out of this mad rant...I think my frustration has just been building of late and I felt a need to vent it. I do keep stuff bottled up, but when something is important I do communicate that to flatmates, but because I keep composed while doing so, they seem to ignore it? I've only rowed with them 3 times (first time I really lost it and left the room...had friends over and everything)...last 2 times have been in the last few months, firstly over dishes and then over a holiday I took with a friend which she came very close to ruining for me. I think she was surprised when I actually argued back, as normally I just suck it up, but it did seem to do the trick. However I don't normally like arguing and avoid it as much as possible. Only did with the holiday thing because she brought it up...she'd agreed to come to Nashville (one of my fav places in the entire world) to attend a music festival with me, but ended up spending the whole time complaining about it...she didn't like the music, it was too hot, why should she have to tip the taxi driver, etc, etc. When we got back it was a case of "we never went out in the evenings"....I pointed out to her we were out almost every night. Then it was "there was a lot of hanging around at the festival"....yeah, that's when we got lunch *rolls eyes*. I didn't back down on this argument as I knew she was the one who was being unreasonable and she hasn't brought it up again, but it was the straw that broke the camels back...I'm not sure if I want to stay friends with her after I finish University.

I have issues with memory and organisation and she looks down on me for it and can be very condescending. SHe even said to me at one point "I am tried of having to be your memory" (I do ask her to remind me of things as my memory is really poor). Maybe she thought that it was an acceptable comment as I tend to make light of my poor memory? Who knows...anyhow, again, politely pointed out that she thinks it'd bad having to remind me of the odd meeting, etc, try living with my condition. There's actual "blanks" in my short term memory where I can't remember conversations *at all*. I'll very often walk into a room and forgotten why I went there (am only 23); have difficulty concentrating; find myself in a room and don't remember getting there; get confused very easily sometimes, etc. It's getting to the point now where it's really beginning to scare me at times. Luckily I am getting referred to a neurologist, so should hopefully get problem sorted, but having someone be so condescending about it really isn't helpful.

Anyhow, this is getting really OT, so I'll try and round it up (not that I expect anyone to read it, it's just to get it all off my chest)...I think I'm just ranting out of pure frustration at myself (!!!!!! get organised and learn to stand up for yourself!!!) and my flatmates...the one girl who I seem to be arguing repeatedly with said to me recently "I don't like arguing...", to which I replied "no, you're just not used to me arguing back"...that shut her up pretty quickly. lol.

Maybe I should just write a list of what I expect from flatmates and what I expect from myself, e.g. I expect myself to get more organised; remember to do dishes in a timely fashion, etc)...if I have a physical list maybe that will make stuff clearer...who knows. Worth a try, anyhow. Try and get flatmates to respect the fact that yeah, my memory's !!!!, work with me on this; please pay me on time for bills and recognise the fact that if it wasn't for me you'd have no lap trays; no TV; no phone/internet; no nice tefal frying pan (think I said saucepan earlier...if so, I apologise).

Wow, I feel better...well, a little. lol. Apologies for the excessively long rant, though!

P.S I think I've quite possibly repeated myself quite a few times...if so, apologies...my brain still isn't functioning properly, so it happens, especially when I'm worked up. lol.

poppyolivia

sweet lord...what was the question again????? I'd move the hell out...I'm bad enough with a husband and 2 kids....you're brave!!!

jenhug

they behave like it because you allow them to.

neneromanova

Wow, now that was a read! this is what I would do. (but I'm very mean sometimes)

1. I would take the lap trays, and place them in my room. Not allowing them to use them.

2. I would remove the TV from the room and place that in my room again.

These are both to make a point that they are yours but you allow them to use them out of the kindness of your heart.

Then I would tell them to take a running jump when they say clean your plates as I want to use them. The fact that they're your plates you can leave them how yo want them. Again you are letting them use them out of the kindness of your heart!

Good Luck

Barneysmom

Sounds to me like you are a bit stressed out over everything and nothing, and even the little things are rally mounting up.
The first thing I'd do is go out and get some sort of whiteboard, or blackboard and put it up in the kitchen. Write on it a rota of who's turn it is to wash up on which days.
If someone is going to be out on the washing-up day, they have to swap with someone but ask them first.


If there's anything specifically you don't want anyone to use, put it in your bedroom and put a lock on it.

alias123

I dont think the OP's over-reacting, she may be stressed but I do feel the others may be taking advantage. Like someone has said, I wouldn't hesitate in moving out but then I like my own space and peace too much. Dont you have a rota/rules for the flat?

WolfSong2000

wow, replies....thanks guys. lol.

You're right...stuff is mounting up on me. I made a promise this year that I'd stand up for myself more, but I hate arguing with friends, so normally just take the easy route and don't argue back.

Would love to move the TV into my room, but it wouldn't fit...my room is tiny as it is, so absolutely nowhere to put a big 30" TV. lol. One of my flatmates has done the lap tray thing...she keeps it in her room so only she can use it, and another one keeps all her stuff in her room (cutlery, saucepans, etc) and gets in a right state if anyone uses any of her stuff accidentally, but I hate that attitude. I'm more than happy to share, I just wish they'd not take advantage of it! The biggest sore point for me at the moment is probably the food...them taking it and then not helping with the washing up...I only occasionally eat anything they've made and always ask first, but the courtesy isn't returned. I've also said I'm happy for them to use odd bits of my food on occasion as long as they let me know so I can replace it, but so often they've done this and *not* told me. End result is I look forward to something all day, come home and someone else has eaten it and not told me .

As for the rota suggestion, we had one last year. I was only consulted about it after the others had made their mind up they wanted it (I didn't as I thought it'd only cause arguments, which it did...has mysteriously "disappeared" this year - nothing to do with me.). My view of "there's washing up needs doing, some of it's mine so I'll do as much as I can, regardless of who it belongs to" doesn't seem to be shared by the others. They'll do their own, but leave mine, even when they know damn well I did most of theirs a few days ago. I think it's that that gets me more than being told "you need to do dishes" (which is often a fair point as I do leave them).

My problem is I bottle things up too much, and then just "explode", hence the massive rant. lol.

Thanks for the suggestions, though, guys...the fact you took the time to read and respond means a lot

WolfSong2000

Sadly, I can't move out...am tied into contract for another year, plus where I am is one of the cheapest places around already, plus there's an accomodation crisis for uni students, and the place I'm in at the moment has a 3 year waiting list.

Otherwise, I would be very tempted. lol.

Big_Alf

The problem with most students is they lack any sort of domestic intellect (and academic too tbh...) due to having their backsides wiped by mummy over the previous 20 or so years.

You seem to be taking on the role of responsible adult in the flat and they are just using that as an excuse not to have to fend for themselves.

These people are not your friends so I'd stop treating them as such. It sounds petty but In your situation I would put the tv, dvd and internet router in my room and keep myself to myself when at home. Make sure you wash up your own stuff STRAIGHT after use (I always do it before I eat, takes about a minute, stop being lazy!). Keep the pots and pans in your room too if they are yours

Looking after number one is the answer here!

Yours Sincerely

Mr 6th year in student digs

tizhimi

All I can say is TWENTY SIX DINING PLATES. My housemate, (after I graduated from Uni) couldn't be bothered to do her washing up so she used to go down into the basement, get spare plates out the basement, WASH THEM, use them and add to the pile of plates. She used to own a house and used to living in her own squallar I suppose.

I refused to go into that stinking house and moved into my BF's.

I left the country. I kid you not. I am a very highly strung person and not suited for sharing with messy inconsiderate others. They knew I was very angry because I didn't shout, people are more scared when I'm calm, which isn't very often!

WolfSong2000

To be fair, I'm probably one of the messier people in the flat (having said that, I've just done *all* the washing up and half of it wasn't mine), but I guess I'm just more laid back and less accusatory than the others are/can be. One flatmate had left a note above the washing up, saying whosever it is please wash it was it's starting to smell...in the time it took her to write the note, she could have done the washing. Plus she'd left stuff of her own from this evening's cooking (which I washed up). The "smell" is left over from someone elses pan that had been sitting there a week with some noodles and water left in it...the noodles had gone off and smelt to high heaven. Did I wait for flatmates to come back and start accusing them? No, I just washed the damn thing. Kitchen still smells, though, but apparently that's somehow my fault?

One of my flatmates in particular treats me as if I am a child...as I mentioned in initial post she can be very condescending, which p*sses me off no end...wouldn't mind except I consistently get higher grades than she does (I don't gloat about this by the way), and I'm always the one she comes to crying (usually at 3am) because "things are all just too much". I've cried in front of my flatmates twice in the last 4 years...she's usually in my room at least once every 6-8 weeks...have another flatmate who *constantly* complains that she hasn't done enough work, is falling behind, etc (was doing this before term even started). If she spent the time constructively instead of just complaining (and she'll seek out someone to complain to so they can share in her misery) she'd be a lot better off.

Okay, this is just turning into a b*tch about the flatmates session...I'm sure they'd have a lot to say about me too...namely that I'm messy and disorganised. lol.