Should I tell my Mum she needs full time care?

mar<

Thanks cohentb I'm just getting used to CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse)!

Ah - Primary Care Trust?

Thanks for that.

hardpressed

If she is able to understand could you gently put the idea in her mind of staying in the home, if she's happy there maybe say something like 'you like it here would you like to stay here' or something like that.

Savvy_Sue

One thing to think about is whether she is clearer about things at certain times of day before you use hardpressed's suggestion. Then, even if she keeps saying she wants to go home at a later stage (or even later the same day!) you will know that she was 'in her right mind' when she said she would like to stay where she is.

FIL is currently in hospital following a heart attack, he becomes very confused each evening but is usually much better in the mornings, and I don't think that's uncommon.

mar<

Thanks hardpressed we do use the gentle repetition for other things so we must with this too. Thanks for that.

Savvy_Sue: Yes Mum is much brighter first thing in the morning usually, and she's brighter all told since being in the home having a routine and eating and drinking properly. Apparently that's common. Another woman was able to resume driving and has become a lot more independant, although my Mum could never drive again with her memory problems and macular degeneration. She did run her own business and is very savvy in that respect, as well as owning a horse for 25 years that she loves to talk about.

Thankyou we'll certainly bear that in mind.

bryanb

Mar< My Mum has recently died aged 90 after 5 years in care. She was exactly as you describe yours when she went in, even the macular degeneration. We found that the most important thing to her was frequent visits by family. Although staff and other residents were good company they did not know our family history.
As Mum's dementia progressed she regressed gradually to her childhood, things which seemed nonsense to others made perfect sense to us. For example she once told us that she was marrying a Naval officer in the morning. During WW2 that had been the case. There were many similar events which we were able to agree with and thus reassure her. She would often refer to "Dad" when talking to me, it took a while before I realised she meant her Dad rather than mine. After that some of the seemingly bizarre questions made a lot more sense.
Most importantly in the last few years we agreed with all she told us, as it caused distress if we disagreed.Even things such as the staff were using her talking watch at night and running the battery down.
Good luck, and have patience. BB

grannyjo

My mum aged 93 has been in a home for 18months. At first, after a fall, in my home, 100 miles from her home, we said she needed respite as I could unfortunately not look after her. On some days she was happy there. I took her to 5 different homes to choose which she wanted. She chose one half a mile from where I lived and I visited her twice a day. Unfortunately she has become more confused and fallen more. Last time in May she broke her hip, and I decided to move the home as I felt there were not enough activities. All through the 18 months, she has asked, when she is going home. Up to about three months ago, I always said she was living here now, in Liverpool, where I could keep an eye on her, But the house was safe. etc. She used to look sad. Now I say to her, that she has to stay here until her legs get a bit better, as she is a bit wobbly on them. She seems much happier with the white lies. I asked the staff at the home and they suggested the white lies bit- ie until you're a bit better.
As regards options for funding, Mum has little capital and a house. We can either sell the house and pay full fees of £565 a week- or keep the house, empty ( with costs of course) and pay £330 a week, with social services 100 miles away, subsidising the pension with a interest fee loan, which will be paid on death. The social services did not tell me of that option. I only found out by chance when I talked to the finance section of SS. The social worker actually said I had got it wrong, but the finance section had to tell her that it was right. That right came in about 2 years ago.
good luck jo

mar<

Thanks for that Jo. I'm really down about this now. Apparently there was no choice to be made. SS had already decided she was staying in the home and I wasn't aware at all. Mum is complaining every time I visit that there's nothing to do. She's always been active, and with increasing dimentia, you'd think an active life would be more beneficial to giving her the best quality of life possible. She's not allowed out, there's just a small enclosed courtyard, her small room and the TV lounge to move around in. Her cramp has come back, we think because of the irregularity of the exercise. We've just been informed that she's to be moved into the new dementia wing, which I think is even more restrictive. We can't get hold of the SS worker at all, she's in a remote office apparently never manned.

Mum isn't remembering much at all, although she's quite coherant. We took her out for the day on Tuesday to see the kids in the Harvest Festival, into town for a coffee, and then to watch the kids swim, before going for a walk with me.

Savvy_Sue

Sorry, but SS can't just make these decisions without involving you, as her family. Not if you WANT to be involved.

Ask for the name and contact number of the SW's manager, ask for their complaints procedure if you can never get hold of someone and they don't return calls.

beaujolais-nouveau

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Sorry, but SS can't just make these decisions without involving you, as her family. Not if you WANT to be involved.

I just wanted to endorse this. But I know, from my own experience of moving my mother to a nursing home nearer to her children so that we could visit her, that Social Services can be incredibly obstructive. It still makes me angry to think about how SS wanted her to remain in the nursing home they had chosen where she NEVER went out in the three months she was there, which smelled of wee from reception to the top floor, the patient alarms wailed constantly, and the home made it very difficult for us to talk to my mother by telephone. That home was everything bad that you read about nursing homes.

Yes, ask for a needs assessment.

timmmers

SS can't force her anywhere against your wishes. They tried that with my old Mum and she was worried sick until I became her carer and promised her she wasn't ever going anywhere she didn't want to go.

You are obviously aware that she is far too isolated and this isn't good at all. There are great care homes around that don't feel like prisons and where they encourage activity and even have pets allowed ...a friend of mine also caring for his mum put her in a home last year for a week of respite and she wouldn't come out again as she loved it there....still loving it there so everyone is happy now.

The single most important thing that helped both me and my friend was the support of doctors. District nurses making regular visits and knowing the homes that they also visited that were the best locally. The night my Mum died was a day after her 80th birthday and ALL the nurses that I ever saw visit her at home went to visit her that day. 12 or more. People are not just paperwork to these people, not like some social workers...and they know the system well, so they can really help.

I feel for you, it's a horrible time. It can end up very well for everyone though, I hope all goes well for your family.

t