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neediness :(
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Hiya
You sound very like my partner, he has self-esteem issues and added to which has nothing to do most days and combined it makes him very needy boardering on paranoid. It does cause issues, I have never even so much looked at another person sexually since I've been with him, and I miss him when we're apart, but I don't feel the need to speak to him all the time, while he is clearly bored, and without things to occupy himself, starts winding himself up about what I could be doing/why I'm not answering my phone (also on silent a lot). I think he basically feels I could do better and so feels insecure in our relationship. I feel I couldn't do better because I love him and am lucky to have found someone I love this much, but until he is happier with himself I don't think it's going to matter how many times I tell him...
Anyway, the fact you know why you're being like this is a massive thing and I'm sure if you give yourself some time and start believing in yourself you'll suddenly find you don't need to call your OH so much, in fact you probably won't even notice you're not doing it so much...
irishgirl62 - so sorry for your loss, 43 is very young, but it sounds to me as though your husband was very happy during his life with you and loved you very much. I bet he wouldn't have changed a thing about you even when you were being tryingOne Debt vs 100 Days Challenge - £2000.00COMPLETED :j0 -
Mobile phones are a curse! I am old enough to remember when we didn't have one - in fact not even a landline, if you really needed to use the phone you went to a phone box or a kindly neighbour who had a phone. Today it seems that everyone expects to be contactable 24 hours of the day. Try viewing you mobiles as useful things to have in case of an emergency (e.g., I'm stuck on the M6 so I'll be home at some point) rather than some kind of umbilical cord. I have a mobile, but it is for my convenience, not everyone else's. I often switch it off, and life doesn't end!
Use the free time to work on your self esteem - he's with you because he wants to be, and you realise that your behaviour could well drive him away. Start getting out doing stuff and switch your mobile off.
I really don't get the whole 'conversations about nothing' thing, so sorry if I sound a bit blunt. It sounds to me though, like you need to value yourself, then you won't need this constant approval.0 -
Hey Jessybee!
I know exactly what you mean. However, me and my boyfriend have sort of come to a sightly natural compromise.
Firstly, bit of back ground. When we met 6yrs ago as friends and then started dating i was only 18 so a little naive and OTT with the communication, he was 23 at the time so it smothered him. Anyhow, we eventually broke up for no good reason although we used to argue over petty things, normally because i got the hump about summat.
Now, we're both older. I'm 22 he's 27 and we've been back together 2 mnths and have just developed this routine where one of us will text when we have finished work for a little bit, then we'll chat on FB later on or he'll phone me if he's away with work then one final text at bedtime.
I think it's important to get some sort of routine going, you're only freeking out about the contact and his late replies because you don't know what's going on. Whereas, with a little discussion you can come up with how things are going to work, then obviously stick to them! However, it will feel like going cold turkey for a while!!0 -
Mobile phones are a curse! I am old enough to remember when we didn't have one - in fact not even a landline, if you really needed to use the phone you went to a phone box or a kindly neighbour who had a phone. Today it seems that everyone expects to be contactable 24 hours of the day. Try viewing you mobiles as useful things to have in case of an emergency (e.g., I'm stuck on the M6 so I'll be home at some point) rather than some kind of umbilical cord. I have a mobile, but it is for my convenience, not everyone else's. I often switch it off, and life doesn't end!
Use the free time to work on your self esteem - he's with you because he wants to be, and you realise that your behaviour could well drive him away. Start getting out doing stuff and switch your mobile off.
I really don't get the whole 'conversations about nothing' thing, so sorry if I sound a bit blunt. It sounds to me though, like you need to value yourself, then you won't need this constant approval.
:T:T:T:T I can't understand why people are so keen to have an electronic tag......................I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
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Bitsy_Beans wrote: »Am very sorry for your loss irishgirl hug
OP I would definately suggest some counselling as you do sound as though you have some deeper issues to resolve, not sure you can do that on your own.
Hope it works out and just remember you ARE being irrational.
I started conselling when I got together with my OH six years ago and started to have panic attacks... I realised I was terrified and didn't want to push him away, but that is what I was doing...much easier to be by myself. In the sessions, (3rd one, I remember) I broke down when we started talking about my parents and the sudden loss of my mum... I did it for a year and it saved my life. A year and a half ago, I went back to counselling after losing my dad and spiralling to depression, insomnia and being harassed at work, while moving home twice. It all got too much too soon. My OH tried to help as much as he could, but there is just so much a partner can do. A mentor at work recommended giving a call to the helpline at work and I started counselling again, initially for five sessions. After that I decided to continue as my past history is quite complicated and had a bereavement to deal with. I can say that it is really helping me to understand my thought processes and chagning them, as well as giving myself permission to vent my anxieties and frustration.
I would strongly recommend it, I don't think explaining all your stuff to your OH is going to resolve your problems. It might make him feel responsible for you and what you need is to be responsible for yourself.
In the meantime, how about writing down what you feel and think when you get anxious if he doesn't call? reading it afterwards might help you to get some perspective.0 -
Right... id like to thank everybody who have replied to my thread, i have appreciated all your thoughts and personal experience insights. I belive i now though.. my problems were a waste of time.. my gut instincts were true.. its been 5 whole days now since hes not contacted me.. and hes ignored all my texts/calls.. on saturday this drove me to bunny boiler mode.. i wasted a £5 taxi fare to his house and banged on his door wanting answers.. his dad answered.. he LIED to me that his son was else where.. then shut the door on me while i was still blubbering.. 20 mins later i crept back to the front door and listened out - and low and behold! i heard that b*stards voice laughing and joking with his parents.. i felt devestated.. almost to the point where i wanted to break his door down.. but i stopped myself and just walked all the way back home in the dark.. as painful as it was.. it has been a HUGE wake up call to me.. I couldnt trust him again even if i tried.. I was conditioned to think it was just me causing problems and overreacting.. but i deserve better.. the t*at even owes me alot of money.. but i guess i have to write that off as bad experience. Now i am just gonna concentrate on myself.. I just hope i can heal within time
thanks again everyone for sharing your stories and encouragement x0 -
Jessy I want to feel sorry for you but I can't, sorry if this is blunt and harsh, but I can't understand why you ask for advice then hammer down his door??0
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Thanks to everybody for replies
I honestly thought it was just me being pure selfish - all i want is to make him see how much i do go out my way just to keep in touch.. i just want him to appreciate that.. not find it annoying. We are both very different people, after a heated argument i would just become a emotional wreck.. whereas he would just withdraw into his shell and WONT come out untill hes ready to talk
Mars and Venus
( edited to add: Just read to the end of your thread)
Well I'm so sorry he has treated you like that; you must feel wretched and I hope you feel better soon, but, without meaning to be harsh, you surely must see that your smothering ways may have driven him away? TBH if I had to spend hours on the phone talking to someone about nothing , then I wouldn't answer it either. Try to lighten up a bit, with help if necessary.
Hope you have friends and family around for support - go out and find a life for yourself, doing something you want to do.
Wishing you well.(AKA HRH_MUngo)
Member #10 of £2 savers club
Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton0 -
Right... id like to thank everybody who have replied to my thread, i have appreciated all your thoughts and personal experience insights. I belive i now though.. my problems were a waste of time.. my gut instincts were true.. its been 5 whole days now since hes not contacted me.. and hes ignored all my texts/calls.. on saturday this drove me to bunny boiler mode.. i wasted a £5 taxi fare to his house and banged on his door wanting answers.. his dad answered.. he LIED to me that his son was else where.. then shut the door on me while i was still blubbering.. 20 mins later i crept back to the front door and listened out - and low and behold! i heard that b*stards voice laughing and joking with his parents.. i felt devestated.. almost to the point where i wanted to break his door down.. but i stopped myself and just walked all the way back home in the dark.. as painful as it was.. it has been a HUGE wake up call to me.. I couldnt trust him again even if i tried.. I was conditioned to think it was just me causing problems and overreacting.. but i deserve better.. the t*at even owes me alot of money.. but i guess i have to write that off as bad experience. Now i am just gonna concentrate on myself.. I just hope i can heal within time
thanks again everyone for sharing your stories and encouragement x
Oh, Jeseebee, so sorry to hear about the last events... I know how you feel, I was in an almost identical situation... you know what? Be thankful that it happened, at least this will force you to be by yourself and re-evaluate your own behaviour. Your situation is so similar to the one I was in is uncanny...(taxi to his place , ringing the bell, flatmate opnening and after a while being literally kicked out of there without an explanation). Before that, like you, I was suffocating this bloke (who, by the way , turned out to be a complete rat, but who really didn't care that much about me, obviously). From that, I learned that you need to give people their space and cultivate your hobbies, friendships and your own time with yourself. From that , you will know who cares about you and who doesn't, because people do what they want, however much we tried to find 'rational' explanations to the way they behave. It is very painful to be where you are right now but the lesson is priceless. He clearly doesn't want to see you, for whatever reason (I don't think your being a bit clingy is completely to blame for this, there is no need to be so hurtful and show such lack of class), so you are better off without him. For the next time, start off slowly and draw the routines and limits clearly and within healthy boundaries...yes, it might take a while, but this will heal and you will be much better prepared for the next one, who will hopefully be somebody much nicer. Big hug for you,
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OP - you've learned a lot about yourself and other people through this. Every cloud has a silver lining and that's yours.
Enjoy your life, you're a stonger person now than you were......................I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...:)
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