neediness :(

consultant31

jessybee wrote: »

Hello all.. new here just wanted some advice and opinions. Ive been with my OH for over a year and a half, Im suprised that hes still with me to be honest - my constant need for assurance and contact really kills things for example if he didnt return a call/text or gone a whole day without calling id be in a right tail spin.. but when he eventually does conact i become really resentful and hurt like "why didnt u contact sooner". I do trust him but i dont know why im like this.. im afraid one day my clingyness will just drive him away but i cant control it, its like theres this empty hole inside me and hes the one i expect to fill it all the time. I honestly feel so darn petty for posting a thread like this but i really would like to change

That's the bit that's worrying! If you have an empty place, you have to fill it, no-one else. It really is too much pressure on your OH and sadly, I do think that unless you make chamges, you will lose him.

You need to build up your self-esteem. Understand that he's with you because he wants to be so there's no need to keep begging.

No matter how low your self-opinion, identify one thing about yourself that other people like and admire. It doesn't have to be much, from your sense of humour to your kindness among friends, and then build on it. Simples!!

One of the hardest things to learn in life is that in order to keep someone, you have to set them free. They will stay with you if they want to, but if they don't there's nothing you can do to force them.

I really hope everything works out for you.

carolan78

Jessybee you sound like me when I first met DH, I would count down the seconds until he would call, spend hours on the phone to him. If he didn't call I would be frantic with worry (a text to say I will call later would have been fine). 9 years later I realise it is because I felt he excluded me from his life and he has admitted he did in a way because I wasn't there living it with him he saw it as two lives. At the time I was savvy though and delt with all my feelings alone in the main so he wasn't aware (I felt I was been very irrational, when truth be told we were both to blame).

Explain to him how it makes you feel, find a hobby or something you enjoy doing for the nights your not together, just so you don't sit around wasting your life waiting for him to contact you. Try to make him understand you don't want constant contact but you would like to feel included in his other life or for him to show he is thinking of you when your not there. ie if you pop into his head send a quick text to say I'm thinking of you or miss you and vice versa.

I also found it helpful to write letters to my DH in a book when I felt I needed to talk to him but couldn't. I never showed him these letters but they were there (I gave him the book on the night before our wedding, the letters we filled with how I felt about him at various stages in our relationship and why I love him).

Hope you can strike some balance shortly ut I don't think it is odd, I think it is feeling excluded from his other life xx

springclean

firstly, i know how you feel. you just need to fill your life with other things too. if he is the sole focus, and he isn't there, verbally or physically, your head starts asking questions, which leads to paranoia, and it's a downward spiral.

you need to learn to be confident enough in yourself, so that you know he loves you, but at particular times he has things to do. you need things to do too. those things will take away your excessive focus on OH, and could help give you confidence.

my OH and I live 100+ miles apart, we have our own lives and our life. i go to work, to night school, meet friends, learn new stuff, have fun, and when we speak my fella can ask me a question about what i've been up to, and will always get an interesting answer. especially on belly dancing nights :rotfl:

ask yourself, when he does call and asks what you've been doing, are you giving stock answers..? Nothing much... just wondering what you were up to...

if he's getting the same answers every time, he perhaps doesn't think it's worth phoning all the time. and btw, if you do start having some more interesting stuff to relate, be prepared for him to come a-running to see what he's missing out on!

Pee

The good news is that's lots of people are like this, I know a lot of women who are very similiar, and mostly they don't think they have a problem at all, so it's really good that you recognise your wants and needs for contact are different to your other half's. I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say you are wrong, but it's an area that needs work or else you are incompatable. It's a bit like the stereotype about men not liking shopping, men also don't usually see the same need to keep in touch, not to the same level.

I love the idea of writing letters. Also agreeing when you will both contact sounds good. It's a question of managing your expectations.

Surely there are other good things in your life that also fulfil you and give you pleasure?

Bogof_Babe

Clinginess can be a real killer - however much he loves you he will eventually rebel and become more distant not closer. I urge you to do everything you can to conquer this, as it is not an attractive trait and makes you look desperate when you should be striving for elusive, fascinating and slightly mysterious.

I went to work back in the days when private phone calls weren't allowed, mobiles didn't exist, and you had to wait until you got home to phone your boyfriend, often with your dad standing over you timing the bill! I don't get this need to be constantly in touch, it screams insecurity to me, and even if you feel insecure the last thing you should do is keep demonstrating it.

Mind you I learnt the hard way too!

Any

This sounds like you have nothing better to think about then how often he calls you... Nothing else exciting in your life.

I think you need to make yourself a bit more busy.

Neediness is a real killer - I completely agree with that. But good thing is that you realise that...

Good luck!

Jo_R_2

I reckon the minute you stop the habits you are aware of and not keen on, he'll be on the phone, texting or whatever, asking you how you are or what you are up to etc... Nothing like a bit of mystery and elusiveness to keep someone interested, he'll be wondering why you aren't phoning or texting and what you're doing instead...

Btw you *can* control it, you have ownership of your feelings and actions. I think it's fine to have an accepted level of contact as someone mentioned, so why not try keeping it light, instead of "why didn't you contact me?", why not, "been busy at work (etc)? Hope you're not too tired, give me a ring when you're free x" sort of thing - despite the urge to question him on why he hasn't called.

The actual feelings, I think you realise that only you can deal with those and it's unfair to burden him with the responsibility of filling that gap in your life. However I don't think there's anything wrong with explaining to him, "I'm sorry for the phone call/text (if you felt you came over too strong), I realise it was a bit much, it's because I feel a bit insecure at times, but I'm working on it." Any decent OH will understand and try and meet you halfway I think the fact you are aware of it is a good thing - you do sound like you need to think about yourself more positively.

mookiandco

I was a bit like this. I used to be upset if my OH didnt return my calls or texts and I'd get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It wasnt that I didnt trust him, I just felt that I would always call him back if I missed his calls and just wanted the same courtesy from him. I think, as a man, he didnt realise how important it was to me. He would always say, if he'd seen I had called he would have called me back (he always had his phone on silent because of work) but that didnt make it any better. I dont think it was me being needy per se, I think it was more needing to be needed. i.e I wanted him to want to call me back as soon as he saw my missed call. I think that when I got upset with him for not calling back, I was really more upset with myself because of the state i'd got myself in because of it and the fact that when I said it out loud to him, it seemed really petty but yet in the hours i'd been waiting for him to call it had taken on this huge significance!!

I suppose I used to think He doesnt return my call = He doesnt love me. It seems a bit silly now but I was fairly young when we met and this seemed to so important to me. I knew it wasnt rational but that didnt make it any easier!

You need to work out why you are placing such a huge significance on him not returning calls/texts.

We have now been married 7 years and together almost 9 years. As time went by, it became a regular thing to call each other at about 1pm everyday. We have been doing this now for almost 8 years!!!! A day doesn't go by when, if we are not together, we dont call each other. We both need each other equally now and in fact its him now that gets upset if I dont call him back. But I kinda like that he needs me, so I suppose I got what I wished for!!!!

londoner1998

jessybee wrote: »

Hello all.. new here just wanted some advice and opinions. Ive been with my OH for over a year and a half, Im suprised that hes still with me to be honest - my constant need for assurance and contact really kills things for example if he didnt return a call/text or gone a whole day without calling id be in a right tail spin.. but when he eventually does conact i become really resentful and hurt like "why didnt u contact sooner". I do trust him but i dont know why im like this.. im afraid one day my clingyness will just drive him away but i cant control it, its like theres this empty hole inside me and hes the one i expect to fill it all the time. I honestly feel so darn petty for posting a thread like this but i really would like to change

Hello Jessybee

I can recognise myself in your post, not that long ago. Has anything happened in your life that might be creting the feeling of anxiety and insecurity if you don't get in touch? I am saying this becasue I lost both my parents very suddenly and often it is just the fear of being abandoned that creates the reaction of being angry and sad if he doesn't call when I am expecting it. But of course, it took me almost two years of therapy to figure this out..
I had got over this (been with OH for over 6 years) but when I suddently lost my Dad two years ago (we had spoke on the phone the night before), these feelingsand the need to be cared for and reassured all the time back back with renewed force... Almost three years into it, the depression is swowly lifting up and I am realising he is there becasue he loves me and ther eis no need to keep on he phone all the time. Also, by calling him when he is at work breaks or getting angry if he doesn't return the call when I expect it started to create arguments, as he doesn't like to talk when there are people around. I have decided to keep it to a brief update, may be a text during the day and then make the most of our face to face time...I think you are perfectly normal! The fact that you are aware of it means you will getr better and more confident in the realtionship as time goes on...Enjoy, don't worry too much!

londoner1998

ps-keep busy doing things you really enjoy, in your own time- don't expect him to plug any holes in your life, because no body can do that, only you can!