neediness :(

Bogof_Babe

The other thing is, a lot of blokes don't see the point in phoning unless there is something particular to say. Although I'm not a bloke I feel a bit like this myself. You can't have much of a conversation about nothing.

jessybee

Thanks to everyone for the replies, you've all shared some very good points. I just couldnt process any common sense sooner because i was still edgy - I do belive though, it stems from my lack of self esteem as bad as it sounds id only feel good about myself if somebody was there assure me that im "wonderful" but if i was to repeat that to myself id just be like "pah" lol my insecuirity has even ruined friendships too, like if my friends were to go out with other friends.. id instantly get jelous.
As a kid i didnt know how to "cope" very well with emotions all i knew was crying, it was the only thing that was healing to me. My parents wouldnt listen to my problems too because they were always busy running their precious restaurant take away.. It just fustrates me SO MUCH that i know what i do is out of line at times.. but i cant control it.. its like a huge impulse like a bad gut instinct to act out on it.. and i wont feel justified until i make it clear to that person how much they've upset me.

(I have a feeling i will cringe at this post a few days later) haha

Bogof_Babe

You might find some kind of therapy/counselling helps you to deal with the problems in your past. Why not have a word with your GP and see if there is anything available?

bestpud

jessybee wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for the replies, you've all shared some very good points. I just couldnt process any common sense sooner because i was still edgy - I do belive though, it stems from my lack of self esteem as bad as it sounds id only feel good about myself if somebody was there assure me that im "wonderful" but if i was to repeat that to myself id just be like "pah" lol my insecuirity has even ruined friendships too, like if my friends were to go out with other friends.. id instantly get jelous.
As a kid i didnt know how to "cope" very well with emotions all i knew was crying, it was the only thing that was healing to me. My parents wouldnt listen to my problems too because they were always busy running their precious restaurant take away.. It just fustrates me SO MUCH that i know what i do is out of line at times.. but i cant control it.. its like a huge impulse like a bad gut instinct to act out on it.. and i wont feel justified until i make it clear to that person how much they've upset me.

I have a feeling i will cringe at this post a few days later)( haha

I think admitting you are like this is the hardest part tbh!

I agree with Bogof_babe you may find counselling helpful; have you looked into it at all?

carolan78

I would tell your partner everything you have told us, tell him you know you shouldn't be doing it and hate yourself for it but maybe with his help you can overcome it.

What do you think would help while he isn't with you? You have done the hardest thing and realised you do this and possibly why you do it. Now you just have to figure out a way to change the behaviour. Good luck and I really hope it all works out for you and your partner.

larmy16

Jessybee well done for being so honest. Believe me I know how you feel. It was because I would get like this when in a relationship that I avoided them. I was far more together being single for some reason, I suppose because I did not have to deal with my fears of abandonment by someone important to me.

I do think the roots of this insecurity lie in childhood experiences. Without actually getting the violins out, I felt extremely abandoned as a child and there was no-one to turn to. In the end you build up an armour but then if you get in a relationship the armour gets stripped away and the insecurity rises up, hence the neediness which feels like you cannot control it.

I agree that it would be good if you can explain it to your partner but I guess that depends how much you know and trust him? Also developing a hobby or past-time that absorbs your mind. It is the thinking that triggers off the insecurity.

I have ended relationships without giving them a chance because the anxiety about it all was too much to bear.

Hope this all makes sense! I may regret this post too!! Nah - it's just sharing a truth.
Good luck and all the best to your overcoming this feeling. X

Fork86

Jessybee, well done for doing the hard part. You have actually identified your self esteem as the root cause of this. And anonymous or not, you took a big step in seeking out advice on these forums.

You will find that the more you think about this, the better you will be able to deal with it. You just have to have a bit more confidence in yourself, and by starting this thread, it looks like you're gaining little by little.

I remember up till the age of around 17, I was incredibly shy in front of anyone I didn't know a part from my close friends and family, and it was in fact my first relationship that taught me and gave me all the confidence I currently have. I found that biggest difference to be during the first 2 years or so. My self esteem grew as a result. The difference between me now and then is like night and day.

I should also add that working out and going to the gym helped me immensely, and although I'm a bloke, I am pretty sure it will have a similar effect with women too.

To be confident, you have to be able to accept yourself physically and mentally, and I found that using the gym improved both aspect to an extent. If you can't feel good about yourself, you'll ALWAYS wonder what everyone else thinks about you, and this will feed the cycle of insecurity.

There are so many things that you can do to help yourself before considering counselling, it just takes a while to get there! Just remember to never put yourself down.

Sorry for waffling on...

irishgirl62

I recogonise all of your symptoms... i had them too.... my late OH did everything he could printed his timesheet for work for a year in advance as he was not allowed calls or mobile at his place of work... he passed away suddenly a year ago he was only 43... i am left with memories of how insecure i was and how he tried his hardest to reassure me and my biggest regret of all time was that I did have a good man and why the hell could I have not have seen that? and enjoyed my time with him without giving him grief for not texting at his lunch hour or after work etc he always replied with a smile and a hug when i said i was trying... with "yeah you are very trying!"

Bitsy_Beans

irishgirl62 wrote: »

I recogonise all of your symptoms... i had them too.... my late OH did everything he could printed his timesheet for work for a year in advance as he was not allowed calls or mobile at his place of work... he passed away suddenly a year ago he was only 43... i am left with memories of how insecure i was and how he tried his hardest to reassure me and my biggest regret of all time was that I did have a good man and why the hell could I have not have seen that? and enjoyed my time with him without giving him grief for not texting at his lunch hour or after work etc he always replied with a smile and a hug when i said i was trying... with "yeah you are very trying!"

Am very sorry for your loss irishgirl hug

OP I would definately suggest some counselling as you do sound as though you have some deeper issues to resolve, not sure you can do that on your own.
Hope it works out and just remember you ARE being irrational.

[Deleted User]

I cant add much more but i didnt want to read and run. You have to give him space and i know thats hard but if you are constantly waiting for his calls and hes late with them of busy your putting a lot of pressure on him. I dont know how old you are but i speak from age and experience you do need time with YOUR family, YOUR friends and time on YOUR own as well as time with your boyfriend and equally so does he. Its not healthy for anyone to be constantly with their other halves and trust has a lot to do with it. And then when he does call or you see him you have so much more to talk about. Its hard and weve all done it.