neediness :(

jessybee

Hello all.. new here just wanted some advice and opinions. Ive been with my OH for over a year and a half, Im suprised that hes still with me to be honest - my constant need for assurance and contact really kills things for example if he didnt return a call/text or gone a whole day without calling id be in a right tail spin.. but when he eventually does conact i become really resentful and hurt like "why didnt u contact sooner". I do trust him but i dont know why im like this.. im afraid one day my clingyness will just drive him away but i cant control it, its like theres this empty hole inside me and hes the one i expect to fill it all the time. I honestly feel so darn petty for posting a thread like this but i really would like to change

Rummer

Why not go and talk to your doctor?

jessybee

*sigh* hoping it wouldnt come to that lol!

barnaby-bear

jessybee wrote: »

Hello all.. new here just wanted some advice and opinions. Ive been with my OH for over a year and a half, Im suprised that hes still with me to be honest - my constant need for assurance and contact really kills things for example if he didnt return a call/text or gone a whole day without calling id be in a right tail spin.. but when he eventually does conact i become really resentful and hurt like "why didnt u contact sooner". I do trust him but i dont know why im like this.. im afraid one day my clingyness will just drive him away but i cant control it, its like theres this empty hole inside me and hes the one i expect to fill it all the time. I honestly feel so darn petty for posting a thread like this but i really would like to change

I kind of get the feeling long term you'll figure things out and be fine - it sounds like the kind of stuff that could reek havoc in a relationship but you've figured that out, you know what's reasonable... the sad cases jusitfy stuff and in staying where they are... you sound perfectly normal and aware in my irrelevent opinion...

jinky67

jessybee wrote: »

Hello all.. new here just wanted some advice and opinions. Ive been with my OH for over a year and a half, Im suprised that hes still with me to be honest - my constant need for assurance and contact really kills things for example if he didnt return a call/text or gone a whole day without calling id be in a right tail spin.. but when he eventually does conact i become really resentful and hurt like "why didnt u contact sooner". I do trust him but i dont know why im like this.. im afraid one day my clingyness will just drive him away but i cant control it, its like theres this empty hole inside me and hes the one i expect to fill it all the time. I honestly feel so darn petty for posting a thread like this but i really would like to change

welcome to my world:o
But I am not clingy, i just like to know whats going on, as we are 200 miles apart
And I know thats half our problem


Does he find it a problem?
Have you explained to him how you feel?

kaj70

i know how you feel, but i lost my man over it, he was the love of my life, and my neediness made me lose him, im so down about it even after 6 months, and i know i should have just let go a little, and it would have been fine. be careful, i know its hard, but just try to let go a little bit. you dont want to lose him, try talking to someone, even a good friend will tell you if your being reasonable or not. good luck x

fernliebee

You could give it a real try at if you find yourself doing it, then trying to turn it around, by saying 'sorry I'm being grumpy, I know there is no reason to be, but I wished you'd called earlier', and then try and think of something to say about your day to change the subject.

Also I find that if you find lot's to do and keep yourself busy then the time goes much quicker so you don't find yourself clock watching waiting for him to call, as you are having fun, and finding things to get on with. Resentment can build if he is off having fun while you are sat at home bored, or if he sees his friends a lot and you don't see yours etc, so if there is an imbalance try to address that, and it may help.

Another thing is just to be honest with him about it. Tell him that you are making an effort to change it about yourself as he will be able to see you making an effort, so may be able to let it go over his head more when you are upset.

Have a conversation to agree on a minimum amount of contact that you are both happy with ie once a day at bedtime, then anything above and beyond this is a bonus, but not expected iyswim.

Wishing you luck chick, hope you can feel better soon. Don't be too hard on yourself though, you are recognising a trait that you are aiming to change so bear with it, and you will get there.

jessybee

jinky67 wrote: »

welcome to my world:o
But I am not clingy, i just like to know whats going on, as we are 200 miles apart
And I know thats half our problem


Does he find it a problem?
Have you explained to him how you feel?

Oww hope things will work out for ya.. um yeah he has admited to me hes found it pretty smothering at times.. especially when i want to talk to him on the phone for hours.. when ive already spent a day with him

jessybee

Thanks to everybody for replies
I honestly thought it was just me being pure selfish - all i want is to make him see how much i do go out my way just to keep in touch.. i just want him to appreciate that.. not find it annoying. We are both very different people, after a heated argument i would just become a emotional wreck.. whereas he would just withdraw into his shell and WONT come out untill hes ready to talk

jinky67

jessybee wrote: »

Thanks to everybody for replies
I honestly thought it was just me being pure selfish - all i want is to make him see how much i do go out my way just to keep in touch.. i just want him to appreciate that.. not find it annoying. We are both very different people, after a heated argument i would just become a emotional wreck.. whereas he would just withdraw into his shell and WONT come out untill hes ready to talk

Are you me?:rotfl:

Fork86

Just to give you a male perspective on this.

I've been with my OH for for nearly 6 years now, and for the first year or so, we would be in constant contact with each other, whether it was phone, text or instant messaging (as we were hardly seeing each other). Once we were able to actually see each other more often and knew each other inside out (nothing rude intended there!), we both gradually decreased the amount of calls and texts to each other to just morning and night calls.

It was awkward at first, and my OH found it difficult at time in the beginning when sometimes I would leave it a bit late to call her. But we came to a compromise. I understood her concern and we agreed we would both just give each other a mid day update of our plans for the rest of the day and how the day was going.

Everything is fine and dandy now.

I guess it's just us men prefer to be in contact with our OH's face to face rather than over the phone, well atleast I do. The more I see my OH, the less I think we need to use the phone. My OH feels the same now.