Break up....working it out...

londoner1998

Hello Again. So good to see you are working things out. Once things that springs to mind (and having been through something similar that made me reconsider my options): Do you really need to completely move back together? Do you really need to cope with the boring things? Some people do, many don't. I started to think when me and OH were in such a mess a couple of months ago, that may be that is the most common and accepted model for a relationship, but not necessarily the only one or the one that works for every one. More and more often these days, couples and marriages have started to live apart, sharing the good bits, then retreating to their own spaces to deal with their hobbies, laundry, sleep, etc... Simone de Bouvier and Jean-Paul Sartre never lived together. I remember reading an article in The Guardian about couples who have saved their marriage by having separate flats- nearby or one on top of the other in one case. What I am trying to say is, if is not broken, don't fix it. Living together is the model becasue there is no economic system right now that can cope with so many people living alone. But it might not be with everybody needs...
I think staying the odd night together in ach other's place is a good way to start...but don't be anxious to come back to 'normal'- what is 'normal'? don't rush it- enjoy it!

Karen_30

londoner1998 wrote: »

I think staying the odd night together in ach other's place is a good way to start...but don't be anxious to come back to 'normal'- what is 'normal'? don't rush it- enjoy it!

Thanks londoner1998.....your last paragraph really brought it home to me - thanks!

I'm going to stop putting pressure, expectations on it all and go with it....we've come a long way in a few weeks and hopefully in a few weeks more we'd have come even further....there's no right time for it all, only when it's right will we know.

Like you say 'normal' - what is it?? I guess I don't know yet as what I/we thought was normal clearly didn't work for us so it's time to start again, embrace my new life and what challenges it throws at me....what will be will be I guess.

Thanks again, you always talk sense!!!

Karen_30

Hello,

Just updating for those (if any) interested and really just to get things down so I can have a read over and see how far i've come in general.

This weekend has been lovely, spent Fri eve together as had to take cat to vets and then we spent the rest of evening together. Sunday I went to his parents (where he is currently staying) and we pottered about, chilled out and had dinner with his parents, again all lovely and then Monday evening we went out with his brother, brothers girlfriend climbing.

When I got home Monday evening after climbing he called to say thanks for driving (I did) and then said how about I bring over a pizza for lunch tomorrow to share! Taking this as very positive as to get a call after we'd just seen each other and said our goodbyes is a first and to say thanks etc and then to suggest coming over yesterday lunchtime is also a plus as never done this before.

He said at the weekend he would come round Thurs to spend time with the view to staying around and at the moment that is still happening so fingers crossed there. It'll be a big step forward just for him to spend some time in our home and to stay over an even bigger and don't mean in the sense of you know what....just in the fact that he'll stay the night at the flat.

I know these things might sound silly but they mean a lot to me. Only time will tell if we can get back to being a 'couple' we've a long way to go and many issues that we've talked about.

I'm trying to look at it positivley though and take each day as it comes. I want this to work but for the right reasons, I don't want him to come back to the relationship unless he is 100% sure that it's right for him and likewise for me.

Must get back to work! xx

londoner1998

Karen_30 wrote: »

Hello,

Just updating for those (if any) interested and really just to get things down so I can have a read over and see how far i've come in general.

This weekend has been lovely, spent Fri eve together as had to take cat to vets and then we spent the rest of evening together. Sunday I went to his parents (where he is currently staying) and we pottered about, chilled out and had dinner with his parents, again all lovely and then Monday evening we went out with his brother, brothers girlfriend climbing.

When I got home Monday evening after climbing he called to say thanks for driving (I did) and then said how about I bring over a pizza for lunch tomorrow to share! Taking this as very positive as to get a call after we'd just seen each other and said our goodbyes is a first and to say thanks etc and then to suggest coming over yesterday lunchtime is also a plus as never done this before.

He said at the weekend he would come round Thurs to spend time with the view to staying around and at the moment that is still happening so fingers crossed there. It'll be a big step forward just for him to spend some time in our home and to stay over an even bigger and don't mean in the sense of you know what....just in the fact that he'll stay the night at the flat.

I know these things might sound silly but they mean a lot to me. Only time will tell if we can get back to being a 'couple' we've a long way to go and many issues that we've talked about.

I'm trying to look at it positivley though and take each day as it comes. I want this to work but for the right reasons, I don't want him to come back to the relationship unless he is 100% sure that it's right for him and likewise for me.

Must get back to work! xx

Hello! It sounds like you are making fantastic progress... please, take it day by day, because obviously you are now enjoying your time together and that is what it all about. Even if he in the end says he wants to sleep at his parents, don't feel disappointed: give space and enjoy your own. You will be in a much better, healthier place if you do it like that. It takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness to do what you are doing, but I think it is the best (if not the only !) to go about things. It has to be 'true', IYKWIM. I'm really pleased for you!!:T

Karen_30

londoner1998 wrote: »

Hello! It sounds like you are making fantastic progress... please, take it day by day, because obviously you are now enjoying your time together and that is what it all about. Even if he in the end says he wants to sleep at his parents, don't feel disappointed: give space and enjoy your own. You will be in a much better, healthier place if you do it like that. It takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness to do what you are doing, but I think it is the best (if not the only !) to go about things. It has to be 'true', IYKWIM. I'm really pleased for you!!:T

Thank you londoner and thank you so much for your support throughout me posting :A xx

maggied_2

Karen - I've PMd you xxxx

Karen_30

maggied wrote: »

Karen - I've PMd you xxxx

Thanks, have PMd you back....xx

Karen_30

Just a little update, venting on my thread....helps keep me sane :rolleyes:

Things still going strong, we're spending more and more time together. Talking every day even if not seeing each other.

Communicating really well, probably better than we ever have. I'm actually listening and hearing what he is saying which I am finally realising I didn't before - I just heard what I wanted too and left out the bits that might have been hard to hear i.e....buried my head when he raised issues about us

It's a long journey but one that is getting better each day and I think we'll be stronger for it.

I'd be interested in anyone else experience/tips about building a better relationship after having time apart/breaking up?

I feel we needed this break to realise what it is we have but want to make sure that we take it slow, build a better and stronger relationship so when times are hard (as I am sure there will be times) that we are not going to break like we did before.

xxx

tinatony1

hi karen

just wanted to say that i hope things are still ok.

you take care
xx

Karen_30

tinatony1 wrote: »

hi karen

just wanted to say that i hope things are still ok.

you take care
xx

Hi tinatony,

Thanks for your message. Things are going really well, we're spending a lot of time together, In fact we've seen each other every day since last Wednesday doing something or the other. It's been really nice.

I'm struggling today though as back home (alone) and all I want is for him to come back home and lets start building that part of our relationship too. It's so hard after spending such a lovely time togehter to going home alone and I know I should be strong enough to deal with this but sometimes it's just really hard.

Everything is pointing in the right direction and we are getting on better than ever, discussing things, enjoying each others company and I really think we are getting there. I just don't know how to broach, push or not push for him to come home?

Part of me feels that he will come round in time and he needs to make this decision himself (partly so I know he wants to be there) and then there's part of me that wants to push and say come on, take the risk, we won't know 100% until he does.

In the same breath things have progressed so well as we have been doing it and feel best to leave it and maybe bring it up after we spend some more 'quality' time together. It has to be an appropriate time and not just because my emotions are up in the air because we've just spent the past few days together - it's only natural that I am going to miss him more after such.

This really is a roller coaster - things are on the up....just need to take that next step soon....how do I do this without ruining such a good thing at the moment....maybe that's why I am craving the next step because it is so good.

I know he is dealing with all these emotions too - we do need to talk about it but there hasn't been an appropriate time of late.

Sorry for yapping, just sounding out