Break up....working it out...

Karen_30

Hello,

Not normally a poster on this board but someone suggested I pop over here for some support. I hope you don't mind?

To cut a long story short, OH landed a bombshell on me that he wasn't happy in our relationship, time and space etc and decided it was best he moves back to his parents house. This was just over 4 weeks ago.

For the first week we didn't see each other and then met up, both shared the opinion that got stuck in a rut etc and that things weren't right. However we've decided to meet up and see what happens.

This past week or so, he has said that he feels more positive about things and that he has missed me, wanted to see me etc but said he just needs to be sure as just 3 weeks ago he didn't want to be in our relationship and he doesn't want to just jump back in without thinking clearly.

When meeting up we've been having great fun, communicating better than we ever have. Having fun etc.

I'm just so confused as to what to do for the best. I know he needs time to realise his feelings and just because we have had a couple of fun times together doesn't mean we are going to get back together etc.

However, am I wrong for getting my hopes up in that he is bothering to call, meet up, plan occassions etc - i'm so scared of getting my feelings hurt and knocked down all over again. I am trying to be positive but because we are not together so to speak I find it hard not do doubt, become paranoid about it all etc.

Sorry if this is making no sense but sometimes get myself in a tizz, emotions and all that!

Has anyone been through this and come out the other side?? I really hope we can work this out, time will tell I guess....:-( x

AlwaysWorking

Hi Karen. I had a similar experience in that my ex moved out, said he needed space etc etc. We continued to meet up and he would stay over in our home occasionally....this went on for six months with me living in hope that we would get back together. I wasn't moving on and was very down. After six months I realised he had no intention of moving back in with me and I told him not to contact me again. Only then did I start to put my life back together....

....so my advice would be have a heart to heart with your OH. Tell him you understand he is confused but that you need to set a timeframe for him to decide what he wants. You can't put your life on hold while he decides what he wants - what about what YOU need and YOU deserve?

Best of luck hun, I hope it works out for you.

pinkshoes

Relationships require constant work to keep them alive, and often couples end up taking each other for granted and the relationship becomes stale.

"Dating" again is a great idea, and you should try and discuss why it went wrong and he ended up feeling like that.

Perhaps the two of you should come up with some "rules" i.e once a week you take it in turns to plan a surprise in the evening i.e. cooking something new, bungee jumping, romantic bath etc...

Karen_30

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

Hi Karen. I had a similar experience in that my ex moved out, said he needed space etc etc. We continued to meet up and he would stay over in our home occasionally....this went on for six months with me living in hope that we would get back together. I wasn't moving on and was very down. After six months I realised he had no intention of moving back in with me and I told him not to contact me again. Only then did I start to put my life back together....

....so my advice would be have a heart to heart with your OH. Tell him you understand he is confused but that you need to set a timeframe for him to decide what he wants. You can't put your life on hold while he decides what he wants - what about what YOU need and YOU deserve?

Best of luck hun, I hope it works out for you.

Thanks Always Working - this is something I am concious of and know that there will come a point if he hasn't come clear with his feelings or the relationship is not back together, that I will have to say something. I do also need to think of myself in all of this but at the moment willing to give it a go of seeing what happens by meeting up, talking, having fun etc.

I'm sorry you had to go through six months of it, I hope you are on the mend now x

Karen_30

pinkshoes wrote: »

Relationships require constant work to keep them alive, and often couples end up taking each other for granted and the relationship becomes stale.

"Dating" again is a great idea, and you should try and discuss why it went wrong and he ended up feeling like that.

Perhaps the two of you should come up with some "rules" i.e once a week you take it in turns to plan a surprise in the evening i.e. cooking something new, bungee jumping, romantic bath etc...

Thanks pinkshoes - i'll def suggest this. We've been on dates so to speak meals out etc, picnic etc and it has been lovely.

It's hard when all I want is for us to be back together, he is the one confused.

I have been keeping busy, going out with friends, started a climbing course etc.

The contact has been there between us, he asked me to give him a call after my climbing course to see how it was going and then last night gave me a call on his way home from work to say goodnight....

It's so hard when you just don't know what is going to happen but I guess I just have to be positive and keep going.....feeling better this afternoon after a morning of tears, tears oh and more tears!

Thanks again xx

mini_huny_money

Hi there

4 weeks isnt really that long, though I know it feels like a lifetime living with the uncertainty

I know exactly what you'll be thinking now. Should I contact him, Is he missing me?......My advice would be try not to contact him, let him contact you and I know its so easy to say that but so very very difficult to do. I know, cos I'm going through much the same as you.

It will take time and as everyone tells me......take this time out to think about what you really really want

Make him miss you and I don't mean by playing mind games,that will screw you up even more, just try and fill your life

The saying that "if you let them go and they love you, they will come back" is very true

Look after yourself and take care
x

piratefairy

God, OP I am going through the exact same thing with my OH. We both decided things weren't working, and decided that things couldn't continue the way they were as we had a lack of communication and certain areas we wouldn't tlk to each other about (mainly him as his ex-wife gives him a lot of hassle over his little girl, and he has money problems, both of which he claikms are his problem and i shouldn't have to worry about, but it's hard when his worrying impacts on the time you spend together!)

We both decided we need some time, so as we could sort out what we want, etc. But I feel, like you I think, that we need to give it a time period..not just "when I sort my head out and decided what i want"..

Anyway, my advice is really that this situation should tell you what your feelings are, and when you figure that out (which is something you have to do for yourself whatever anyone else says or advises), you will know what to do to save/end the relationship, and move forward.

You have to keep thinking positivie in this situation ,and the dating thing is a great idea, I know it's working for my relationship..Which would have failed if we hadn't done something.

Good luck with it and make sure you communicate with each other - DON'T be too scared to talk in case you argue!!

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle

piratefairy - i might just know you, lol! No, i have a friend going through exactly the same thing with her OH and an ex-wife/daughter and more problems.

I think you should tell him exactly how you feel - and that even though you are enjoying the 'dates' it is hurting you and you feel in limbo and scared of hoping he'll just come back when he might not. Honesty is the best policy - if he still wants some time then just ask if you can have a timeframe so that you know when the decision will be made.

The last thing you want is to be strung along. Unfortunately this is one way people gently break up with one another when they are no longer interested but don't want to hurt the other person. But by the sounds of things he sounds pretty genuine, but only you and him know what oneanother are truly like so time to open up in my opinion! Good luck hun...Big HUGS!!! x

Karen_30

mini_huny_money wrote: »

Hi there

4 weeks isnt really that long, though I know it feels like a lifetime living with the uncertainty

I know exactly what you'll be thinking now. Should I contact him, Is he missing me?......My advice would be try not to contact him, let him contact you and I know its so easy to say that but so very very difficult to do. I know, cos I'm going through much the same as you.

It will take time and as everyone tells me......take this time out to think about what you really really want

Make him miss you and I don't mean by playing mind games,that will screw you up even more, just try and fill your life

The saying that "if you let them go and they love you, they will come back" is very true

Look after yourself and take care
x

Thank you. You're exactly right as to how I am feeling.....it's so hard to not pick up the phone and send a text or make a call.

I'm busy making plans, my girly friends have been great and I have a whole weekend planned ahead of visits and catching up....

I like that saying....it's very true. I hope you are treating yourself well and thanks again for posting and advice. Take care xx

Karen_30

piratefairy wrote: »

Anyway, my advice is really that this situation should tell you what your feelings are, and when you figure that out (which is something you have to do for yourself whatever anyone else says or advises), you will know what to do to save/end the relationship, and move forward.

You have to keep thinking positivie in this situation ,and the dating thing is a great idea, I know it's working for my relationship..Which would have failed if we hadn't done something.

Good luck with it and make sure you communicate with each other - DON'T be too scared to talk in case you argue!!

Thanks piratefairy - I hope you are ok. I am trying really hard to be positive and make the most of each time we meet up but it's so hard not knowing but at the same time I guess I have to go through this to know

Communication has been an issue in our relationship in the past and recent and probably one of the reasons as to why we split up. However, since splitting I feel we are communicating far better than we ever have...perhaps this split will make us stronger?? One way or another it'll work itself out, just so hard in the process!

Karen_30

my_gorgeous_ellie-belle wrote: »

I think you should tell him exactly how you feel - and that even though you are enjoying the 'dates' it is hurting you and you feel in limbo and scared of hoping he'll just come back when he might not. Honesty is the best policy - if he still wants some time then just ask if you can have a timeframe so that you know when the decision will be made.

The last thing you want is to be strung along. Unfortunately this is one way people gently break up with one another when they are no longer interested but don't want to hurt the other person. But by the sounds of things he sounds pretty genuine, but only you and him know what oneanother are truly like so time to open up in my opinion! Good luck hun...Big HUGS!!! x

Thank you! I have told him exactly how I am feeling and what I want, he understands my situation. As for the time thing, this is the issue. I've told him I am willing to give it a couple of months with us communcating and seeing how it goes together and then something has to happen, he'll have to commit more to being in this relationship. He is a really genuine guy and I trust him that he is not just doing this for the sake of it....if he was out living it up and not bothering with me then i'd have to tell him where to go but he's making contact, arranging to meet up etc....I guess time will tell but it's bliming hard.

Take care xx