Break up....working it out...

swiss69

Often men lose interest in a relationship because they have found a different "interest" elsewhere....Is this a possibility?

How old are you both and what age did you meet. This can be another issue for some if they feel they have missed out or are missing out.

Karen_30

swiss69 wrote: »

Often men lose interest in a relationship because they have found a different "interest" elsewhere....Is this a possibility?

How old are you both and what age did you meet. This can be another issue for some if they feel they have missed out or are missing out.

Hi, thanks did consider this (inititally) but no it's not a possibility and I trust this. He's showing no signs of this and spending his spare time with me or his brother. We've both 30 and been together coming up 4yrs so not early on etc.....both lived before we met etc....

Savvy_Sue

You don't have to be married to go to Relate, and you might find that useful, either on your own or with him. But ideally with him, because it may help both of you work out whether you want this to work or not, and the counsellor may help both of you be honest about it sooner than you can work it out on your own, IYSWIM.

princeofpounds

Key things are set a timeframe- doesn't have to be quick, don't need to be to the day but figure out what is reasonable. Also ensure you have the same opinions on exclusivity.

londoner1998

Karen_30 wrote: »

Hi, thanks did consider this (inititally) but no it's not a possibility and I trust this. He's showing no signs of this and spending his spare time with me or his brother. We've both 30 and been together coming up 4yrs so not early on etc.....both lived before we met etc....

Hello there

I know where you come from, because in the past few months my and OH have been having problems cmmunicating and more often than not ended up in awful fights for the most stupid reasons. Last week I got really upset at something silly he did and told him I had enough. I suddenly realised that may we both have become too dependant on the relationship. SO: I was very honest with him and said I needed a bit of space to make this work, loving him as I do but conscious that we were not doing it right (Note, he is almost 30, I'm 34). After a couple of days of silence on my part (and coutless texts and phone calls form him, even though we live together) I resolved to stand my ground to clarify what I feel and what I want. Having had a big bereavement for the past two years I sort of forgot myself. I realised may be I was suffocating him and not giving myself space to do my own things. So, without doing anything dramatic, I started to go out more with my friends, do my things (going for coffee with a book, cinema by myself, etc...). I think after such a long time together, you should treat this as a bump on the road. But be very, very honest with him (he sounds genuine) about what you want and also ask him whether you do something that gets to him. Don't play mind games, just do as your heart tells you and if you feel you need to put a stop to the 'wait' say so. If he still find communicating difficult, give him time and space but don't forget counselling can really help (my oh would have never considered it before, but he accepted thet fact that he could do with a bit of help).Be honest with yourself as well. I would say, carry on with the arrangement you have right now if you feel comfortable with it and feel he is being honest, don't call him, let him do it and keep busy. Then you will know what he wants (actions speak louder than words), and more importantly, what you want. Think about all the possible ways in which your relationship could work , and not just the one of living together, etc... Could amy be different houses work better for you both? Please, don't panic- whatever happends you have support (your friends, family and this board)- you will come out stronger. If he really loves you, he will try and do whatever to make this work.
Good luck

mini_huny_money

Hi Karen

Hope you're ok today. I'd like to suggest something that I've found very helpful.....you know that time when the urge to text or call just becomes soooo hard, well I started a diary......last time I had a diary I was bout 12

what I do, is to type out all my feelings at the time, be honest and write exactly how you're feeling

Don't go back and correct anything just type don't delete anything just type.......wee hint, just make sure its password protected:D

within days I was onto about 6 pages,.... and at first I was typing every few hours.......not so often now

it really is very cathartic and the funny thing is that you've got all these thoughts going in all different directions in your head but once you start typing it all out.......you really do begin to think straighter

so that when he does contact you, you're in control.....hopefully.....of any conversations

Hope this helps and that it all works out for you x

Karen_30

Londoner1988 - thank you so much for your reply. I can totally understand where you are coming from. I am really starting to feel like 'me' again at the moment and realise now that I was just ruling my life around the relationship and him and not being me. Something I know is not good.

MHM - a diary is a very good idea. I think that's kinda why I started posting on here. Everyone gives such lovely advice and its good to hear it from those that you don't really know if that makes sense??

He called me last night and randomly in conversations said that he is missing me and then asked what he was doing......then the subject changed...

Tonight he has called me for a chat, didn't really mention missing me etc but did say that he feels that we are getting on better lately and that because of this he has felt more inclined to want to call me and see me...

This is positive I guess??? I have been so hurt by him though, I just don't want to get my hopes up....I know have to be strong and patient but sometimes its so hard when you just want them back. I must sound stupid!

Ultimately it has to be right for both of us for it to work and as said, if he loves me then he'll try hard to work it out in his head and do the right thing.

Thanks again everyone for your posts, it really is helping me :A

Karen_30

Random post, just trying to get rid of some feelings. Can't stop crying this morning, only had to see a picture of him and it's sent me off. I hate feeling like this!

I'm trying so hard to be patient and let him sort his head out and trying to focus on the positive of the fact that his feelings and actions have become more positive in the past couple of weeks but blimey, it's literally killing me. Short of finding something to do for 24hrs a day it's always on my mind.

Must try and get some perspective, I just keep worrying that i'm getting my hopes up for nothing.....this is horrible!

foxy-roxy

Hi Karen, just wanted to give you my version of events when i went through this, i was the one who wanted time apart, so i was in the same mind as your OH.
Last summer i got it into my head that i wanted out of my realtionship, things were stale etc. so i moved out and started going out with friends alot more, i still loved my OH but wanted 'space' to see if i was still IN love with him and if it was worth carrying on with.
Anyway, he wouldnt give me that space, kept phoning me, my mates, work colleagues, drove me to the point that i defo wanted out.
After a couple of weeks of no contact, i DID miss him, so invited him round and said to take it slow and try again, and went through what it was that made me feel like this.
We have never looked back and are happier than ever, trying for a baby etc and am so glad about what happened because it made us appreciate each other more.
BUT...sometimes it can go the other way, he could of resented me for putting him through the upset and stress and not wanted to bother with me.

Good Luck and i hope things work out for you.

Karen_30

foxy-roxy wrote: »

Hi Karen, just wanted to give you my version of events when i went through this, i was the one who wanted time apart, so i was in the same mind as your OH.
Last summer i got it into my head that i wanted out of my realtionship, things were stale etc. so i moved out and started going out with friends alot more, i still loved my OH but wanted 'space' to see if i was still IN love with him and if it was worth carrying on with.
Anyway, he wouldnt give me that space, kept phoning me, my mates, work colleagues, drove me to the point that i defo wanted out.
After a couple of weeks of no contact, i DID miss him, so invited him round and said to take it slow and try again, and went through what it was that made me feel like this.
We have never looked back and are happier than ever, trying for a baby etc and am so glad about what happened because it made us appreciate each other more.
BUT...sometimes it can go the other way, he could of resented me for putting him through the upset and stress and not wanted to bother with me.

Good Luck and i hope things work out for you.

Thank you for this, it is really important to me to get advice from what may be going on in his mind/point of view....as I obviously can only know what he tells me. I am trying my best to give him his space and the past couple of times he has been the one to call me etc....

I am hoping that things will work out once he realises his feelings. I guess it will all work out one way or the other in the end for the right reasons.

Thanks again for your perspective - its good to hear/see it for both sides.