Break up....working it out...

londoner1998

Hey Karen_30

from what you write, it seems you are too focused on what he feels/wants/needs... how about what YOU want/feel/need... like one of the other posters, I had a revious boyfriend who at some point needed space... I completely panicked and went overdrive, and ended up pretty badly because he really needed that space and all I did was suffocating him (it was a bit of an extreme situation, he had a substance abuse problem, but ended up really resenting me and losing all respect because I didn't respect myself- I can see it now, but couldn't then. I am not saying this is what you are doing, because I don't think you are, but as I realised, in the long run, you will not be happy in a relationship that revolves around your guy. It is about two full, complete people getting together and sharing their time and life, not two halves filling up each other's gaps.
It is fear that drives us into dispair-I have also gone though a phase like that when it got into my head that things were not right- no they were not- I needed to have my time, but it wans't him who was not giving it to me...I was clinging to tightly because i was scared of not doing it right... Now it is a joy to go together to a gig and then may be spend a whole day or two doing our own thing, and I love coming home after dinner with a very good male friend whom he knows and loves as well and catch about our respective evenings together around a cup of tea . Also, a bit of tension is great to perk things up (ie, - I work with very well known tv and radio people and he gets very wound up when somebody male pays me a compliment or I come home and tell him an anecdote, with a tiny bit of mystery:D...- but I would never advocate to play mind games...just to keep things light and fresh

It is wonderful to get together with the knowledge that you trust each other and can share you individual experiences. What would be the worst thing that could happen, Karen? How would you cope? Don't be afraid- trust him and yourself
I firmly believe that we all know within ourselves when things are going seriously wrong and when it is just another stage you need to reach an adjust to. Use this time to focus on yourself and take care of your own needs. I agree that writing is fantastic. I know it is easy said than done, but he will respect you much more if you show that you are a strong woman who knows what she wants. He asked for time- give it to him. If you love him you can do that, for your own good as well.
Keep going and keep us posted...

Karen_30

londoner1998 wrote: »

Hey Karen_30

It is wonderful to get together with the knowledge that you trust each other and can share you individual experiences. What would be the worst thing that could happen, Karen? How would you cope? Don't be afraid- trust him and yourself
I firmly believe that we all know within ourselves when things are going seriously wrong and when it is just another stage you need to reach an adjust to. Use this time to focus on yourself and take care of your own needs. I agree that writing is fantastic. I know it is easy said than done, but he will respect you much more if you show that you are a strong woman who knows what she wants. He asked for time- give it to him. If you love him you can do that, for your own good as well.
Keep going and keep us posted...

Thanks, I am focusing on what I want and need too and taking this time to really think about things - i've already started focusing on my needs and as said earlier starting to remember who I was....and enjoying it too Spent today with the girls and again tomorrow which has been lovely.

I am giving him the space he has asked for right now, he is the one calling me etc which is hopefully a positive sign. Time will tell.....he needs his time to think.....

Thanks very much for your posts they are really encouraging and really help

roses

Join a dating website and go out with a few other men. That will get him interested again. And will also confirm for you that he is the one.

Karen_30

roses wrote: »

Join a dating website and go out with a few other men. That will get him interested again. And will also confirm for you that he is the one.

Thanks Roses, but I am not ready for anything like that or neither do I want to. I know my thoughts and feelings about us as a couple it's him that is confused at the moment. Neither of us are going on dates or seeing others, we are meeting, communicating etc to try and see if we can work this out at the moment.

For the moment I am concentrating on doing things for myself, started a course that I have alwasy wanted to do, joined back at my old gym classes which I let go by the way and spending time with friends and family. Getting there.....slowly.....

Think we are due to meet sometime next week so will update then as to what happens as no doubt i'll need to get some things off my chest.

Thanks again everyone x

AlwaysWorking

Hi Karen!

I was just wondering how you are keeping? I hope you're ok.

AW

Karen_30

AlwaysWorking wrote: »

Hi Karen!

I was just wondering how you are keeping? I hope you're ok.

AW

Thanks AW. I am doing ok thanks, plodding along.

Things with ex are moving forward, we've just spent a week together and had a fab time (doing numerous things)....I think we are heading in the right direction and both wanting to see and spend more time with eachother. Ultimately we won't know if it'll work out until he moves back in, but small steps and one day at a time.....can't rush these things I guess??

Thanks for the post

neneromanova

I just wanted to say, I went through something like this, luckily it only lasted a month or 2, but in that time I'd had a baby and things to occupy my mind. lol (long story)

But we're back together now and going very strong. but the thought at the back of my mind sometimes is will he do it again? and when? Do you think, if you got back together, you wouldn't continuously worry that he will do this? Luckily mine was in the first couple of months in our relationship so mine is not constantly there.

bufferbetty

Hi all

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

My OH walked out on me and our 4 kids over 2 years ago (my youngest was 8 weeks at the time), my eldest, and only son, left with him.

He needed space, didn't know what he wants. He and my son now have a place of their own.

But.........we are really good friends, i see him daily, we go out together, even camping, but there is nothing intimate, the odd kiss, thats it.

I know he needed space, but 2 years......

He has started a course at college now.

On the whole im happy with the way things are, but it does make me down sometimes. its a very odd situation, when it was our wedding anniversary he brought me some flowers.

Sometimes i feel so close to him, other times, so far away.

i am 39, he is nearly 36, married 13 years.

2 years later i am still in shock. I just cant see, how we can move forward from where we are, but i dont want it to be like this forever.....i just dont know anymore.

I am so pleased for the people with success stories.

Sorry if this has come out all confused, but its a very very long story, and i am confused...lol

Good luck to everyone, luv and hugs

xxx

Karen_30

bufferbetty wrote: »

Hi all

Thanks for sharing your experiences.

My OH walked out on me and our 4 kids over 2 years ago (my youngest was 8 weeks at the time), my eldest, and only son, left with him.

He needed space, didn't know what he wants. He and my son now have a place of their own.

But.........we are really good friends, i see him daily, we go out together, even camping, but there is nothing intimate, the odd kiss, thats it.

I know he needed space, but 2 years......

He has started a course at college now.

On the whole im happy with the way things are, but it does make me down sometimes. its a very odd situation, when it was our wedding anniversary he brought me some flowers.

Sometimes i feel so close to him, other times, so far away.

i am 39, he is nearly 36, married 13 years.

2 years later i am still in shock. I just cant see, how we can move forward from where we are, but i dont want it to be like this forever.....i just dont know anymore.

I am so pleased for the people with success stories.

Sorry if this has come out all confused, but its a very very long story, and i am confused...lol

Good luck to everyone, luv and hugs

xxx

Hi Bufferbetty,

Thank you for posting, I hope you are well. Wow, two years is a long time! Have you discussed it any further with him about actually being a couple living together?? Do you still want this??

It sounds like you are the best of friends but if you want more from it then you must speak up and try and think of ways to move forward. It must be very confusing for you.

Take care and keep posting, this site is fantasitc for advice xx

Karen_30

Really asking for some advice here guys....we're at stage whereby we've spent a lot of time together, things seem positive and are heading in the right direction in all ways....my question is.....

How do you go from splitting up, not being together to now spending time together and thinking that things have got better etc....to getting back to living togehter and actually being a couple committed as boyfriend and girlfriend??

I know it's a slow process and nothing should be rushed but I was just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences and how they got through all of this?

I have suggested that he maybe comes back and stays the odd night or two, try and get back to 'normal' things. I'm concious that all the dating and meals out, meeting up etc are great but in reality we need to be able to actually live togehter and cope with the boring things in life too like going to work, coming home, paying a bill, cooking the dinner....

I've never wanted to repair, build get back with and ex after splitting up so this is all new to me.

He is far more positive than he was say 1 month ago. A month ago he didn't want to be in this realtionship and felt that he has made the right decision....he's now coming to terms with the fact that relationships aren't always perfect, others do have similar problems and he feels that naturally we have gotten on better than we have done in ages these past few weeks. He's not ready to commit to just moving back in and starting over, he said it has to be right and he's concious that if he just moves back in we'll carsh and burn....I said that in reality that until he moves back in we'll never know however, I am aware that this is not required straight away and suggested that maybe he stays the odd night and goes to work etc per normal...trying to put some normality into it all....

Ultimately he has to want to come back and for the right reasons, only he can make his decisions, I can't be the one to make that for him. But, I do want this to work and feel given how far we have come it's worth fighting for.....i'd just appreciate a bit of advice on anyone elses experiences of such things....

Thanks in advance x