Cross with in laws - how to approach?

Lunar_Eclipse

puddles wrote: »

I'd never leave him anywhere I wasn't absolutely 100% sure he was in no danger.

I agree with this. I also think this conversation should come from DH and not you, since they're his parents.

Personally I would make it clear to your DH that your weekend away is 100% dependent on the agreement that your kids go to them if the dogs are locked outside (or go to the kennels, at your expense). The exception is whilst your youngest is napping upstairs in a bedroom with a closed door. Otherwise I just wouldn't take the risk and would make alternative arrangements for childcare. Admit you're neurotic and have an issue with dogs+children, as opposed to doubting their ability to look after your children (which they've done so well since you married one of them). Apologise for your over protectiveness, but unfortunately it's non-negotiable.

You will never ever forgive yourself if something happens.

Car seats I would be more relaxed with, although it is against the law and not something I would do myself. Two children to one seat belt; no way. I also wouldn't give permission for them to ride in the front of a vehicle which I'm assuming they must be, emergencies aside.

Don't worry about it though. You are doing what you consider to be right for their grandchildren; they don't have to agree with it. These are your children, not theirs. All of you can't expect to agree about everything as far as they are concerned.

Lunar_Eclipse

Hardup_Hester wrote: »

Like I said Sarah, it's like it or lump it, my kids know the sort of things I'm likely to do with their kids, they actually do approve of they way I am with their kids.

It only works for you because your children approve, not because of your like it or lump it approach. To a degree I think you're right, but knowingly going against someone else's wishes for their children would be rude and disrespectful, so I wouldn't do it.

It's interesting since the two sides of this say 'if you don't like how I grandparent, don't leave your children with me' and 'you appear to have no/so little respect for me and your grandchildren that I don't think I should leave my children with you'. Personally speaking, from the non-grandparent side it's not really about questioning one's ability to care for the children, but why on Earth you wouldn't consider my parenting style and wishes, on the basis that they are your grandchildren.

brighthair

I don't have children but I couldn't not post. My Mum worked in burns and plastic surgery and always says some of the most horrific injuries she saw were from children going through windscreens and taking their skin off on gravel. This might be graphic and people think "oh it won't happen to me". I work for the ambulance service and will NEVER drive without wearing a seatbelt and I wouldn't have children in my car that weren't properly secured
The dogs is a difficult one - my grandparents bred pitbulls, and photos of me a a baby show me in a basket of pitbulls which would horrify people now. Grandad always said, it's how you breed them and bring them up - you need good breeding and good upbringing. I would be more cautious now, having been bitten by a dog when I was about 10. How good are the dogs - if a child steps on one/pulls their tail?

smartpicture

RoxieW wrote: »

To be fair the dogs have never shown any sign of attacking any children (or adults)

But once they have, it's too late, isn't it? Not worth the risk.

And I say that as a dog lover and owner.

BeenieCat

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Admit you're neurotic and have an issue with dogs+children, as opposed to doubting their ability to look after your children (which they've done so well since you married one of them). Apologise for your over protectiveness, but unfortunately it's non-negotiable.

Problem with that is they'll just nod and agree then as soon as she's gone they'll go back to "what they know best".

RoxieW

Oh I'm all confused now. I was sooooo looking forward to this weekend away with my husband but now I'm feeling worried sick about it.

They wouldnt consider coming to our house to babysit - grumps works anyway.
Re the baby gate - I just think my boys are more likely to think - 'oh must close that after me because of the baby' rather then the door they forget and sometimes leave ajar. The dogs couldnt jump the baby gate - the garden 'gate' I'm referring to was less of a gate, more a low level piece of wood to keep the dogs away when the rabbits and guineae pigs were out (obviously not low level enough).

When I've seen the dogs they're generally over excited but do growl sometimes. The boys know not to touch the dogs toys or baskets as they 'could' snap. This hasnt happened but the female has snapped at OH's 16 yr old sister in the past when she was a pup. But the boys take them out for walks with their grumps and the dogs do listen to instructions from the grandparents and will go to basket when told so they are obedient and are used to the boys now.
As far as I know she's never left the boys alone when they were babies and they're never alone with a dog.

I suppose I'm just imagining the worst case scenario chain of events ie baby left unattended, door left open, dog coming in and the worst happening.

Now i feel like a terrible mum for considering leaving them there

RoxieW

Any wrote: »

No, I am not saying that they cannot cope, it seems they they don't want to cope.
They are not making it any easier for you.

You have a choice - either you will say you don't feel comfortable with leaving them all there with the dogs and risk of grandpa taking all the kids in the car with no car seats and see what they do and say.... or don't leave them there.

They have brought up children themselves you know - either you are happy with their parental skills and will not talk them into it or you are not and then you will not leave your kids there.

I think you can drop hints, but you cannot come and give them a list of instructions and rules like they've never seen a child before.

They do want to have the baby believe me. She couldnt wait for me to stop breast feeding and as soon as he was on the bottle she asked when she could have him.
I know they've brought up kids themselves but to me taking kids out 2 to one car seat is silly risk taking. They can do that with their own kids if they want but they shouldnt do it with mine.
Am going to tell OH to have a word about that one before the boys stay again.

Zazen999

I'm really sorry, and I know you don't want to make a fuss but you could ask:

What's happening with the dogs when the kids are with you in December?
What have you done about the car seat issue?

Then you aren't wingeing, or nagging; but are leaving it up to them to do something to make sure that they get to see the grandkids again.....ie if they tell you one thing and do another you would be within your rights not to trust them again.

And if they have got the dogs sorted and the car seat issue sorted. when you go round to drop them off; then you can leave them there....if not then you could leave the big ones there and take the little one with you.

red_devil

RoxieW wrote: »

Oh I'm all confused now. I was sooooo looking forward to this weekend away with my husband but now I'm feeling worried sick about it.

They wouldnt consider coming to our house to babysit - grumps works anyway.
Re the baby gate - I just think my boys are more likely to think - 'oh must close that after me because of the baby' rather then the door they forget and sometimes leave ajar. The dogs couldnt jump the baby gate - the garden 'gate' I'm referring to was less of a gate, more a low level piece of wood to keep the dogs away when the rabbits and guineae pigs were out (obviously not low level enough).

When I've seen the dogs they're generally over excited but do growl sometimes. The boys know not to touch the dogs toys or baskets as they 'could' snap. This hasnt happened but the female has snapped at OH's 16 yr old sister in the past when she was a pup. But the boys take them out for walks with their grumps and the dogs do listen to instructions from the grandparents and will go to basket when told so they are obedient and are used to the boys now.
As far as I know she's never left the boys alone when they were babies and they're never alone with a dog.

I suppose I'm just imagining the worst case scenario chain of events ie baby left unattended, door left open, dog coming in and the worst happening.

Now i feel like a terrible mum for considering leaving them there

Your not a terrible mum. I wouldnt leave them as i said if your unhappy! Nobody can look after your kids like you can! You wont relax anyway!

They shouldnt ride ever without being strapped in and i dont like the idea of dogs around babies!