Really sorry but I dont want to be married anymore

Hectors_House

Brighter_Future wrote: »

Thanks for your quick replies. I feel quite desperate at the moment. Daughter is 12. I know I wont be leaving as I dont have it in me. The last thing I want is a new man Pee, I know I said I keep thinking of someone I met but I would love to be on my own more than anything. The thing is I just want a peaceful life with no upheavills. I have told husband so many times but he never changes. I would like him to spend less on beer and cigarettes and contribute something to the household. I would also like us all to do stuff as a family sometimes (we never do). I keep telling him the family that plays together stays together. Date night would be a nightmare as we have nothing to talk about and he would go up the wall if I suggested relate. I dont want too much out of life but I have given up hope of getting the spark back in my marriage

My aunty on my mother's side stayed in a relationship like this. She now lives for the grandchildren as her husband spent his spare time out of the house drinking until ill-health caught up with him.

He's not an abusive man but just very stuck in a very old-fashioned way of living where he worked hard but expected her to be satified with running the home....nowadays he would be classed as an abusive partner and probably rightly so.

Although he could drive he would never get a car (or borrow one when it was offered to them). The only times her children went away was when my parent's invited them to go with us.

To say she hates him would be an understatement.

I think she expected him to change when grandchildren came along and he was retired but this hasn't happened.

Whether its selfishness or just being a stick in the mud either way it has left her very, very resentful.

Look forward to when your daughter has left home and try to imagine what life will be like with just him in the house with you.

Is that the sort of old age you want?

whitewing

Could you get a part time job? It may make you feel a lot better to have more of a life of your own. That may be enough to enable you to work towards a different long term future, but in a slower, more controlled manner.

MrsTinks

I'm a child of divorced parents and trust me I wasn't scarred for life. The only damage done was in my mind that my parents remained good friends (still are to this day!) and so I never got away with playing them against each other for treats etc SO unfair!
My parents are both lovely people, both have their faults but they recognised that they were not a good couple - they had grown apart. I'm sure there were some difficult moments but they never let them show to me and even now they often have each other over for dinner etc with their new spouses... My mum was at both my dad's parents funerals and wakes as well as my half brothers christening...

If you think divorce is too big a step right now then what about just a temporary separation? Ask him to move out and if he loves you then tell him to start woeing you again... make it something you both have to work at. If you don't feel you have anything to talk about then I think you need to address that. I always have something to talk to my husband about...

Brighter_Future

Hectors House that is exactly how I have started to feel ,resentful of the fact that he spends £140 pw on beer and cigarettes and I pay for everything. I have nothing left over. He has started giving me something for the bills this last year or so, maybe £100 pw as I was going under financialy but never anything for me keeping the house and doing everything for him. I work from home and I would love to get a job in the outside world but I can not do this due to circumstances whitewing. I think I have been a fool all these years letting him get away with not contributing financialy and the resentment I am now feeling is eating me up. Sometimes I have not had 10p in my purse and its been tough, but like I say that is my fault too for putting up with it for 14 years

Brighter_Future

Thanks Mrs Tine
He wont leave he will cause a massive fuss if I ask him to. He will say he carnt afford to leave. A split would be the last thing he wants. Think im past wooing though he has had so many chances

whitewing

Blimey! Lol, I'd have a problem with my DH spending £140 per week on anything!

I absolutely would not be able to deal with the amount of money you husband spends on beer and cigarettes.

How about doing a Statement of Affairs on the DFW board as a 'I need to budget' problem, and including his beer/cigarettes cost in there. (User a different id). Then you could show him the comments. If he fails to see the light after a discussion then look to your long term future.

Brighter_Future

Good idea Whitewing. I have no energy left these days though, many times in the past I have printed off budget sheets from here but they have not shamed him into changing. As long as he can afford his luxurys he is happy, it comes before everything else

misgrace

Minxy_Bella wrote: »

your child will be fine - happier actually when she sees that you are happier.

One good strong parent is better than two always fighting and arguing, and at the end of the day when she is older she will realise why you did leave.

Good luck XX

Pee

On the one hand someone who earns money should be allowed to spend that as they choose, on the other, your first responsibility in a relationship with a child should be the rent or mortgage and the bills.

It's a shame your family circumstances won't allow you to work outside the house as I think meeting some new people could be really good for you and make you happier.

I think it's very good that you want to work on your marriage.

Could you organise a money saving day out to something all three of you would enjoy? Would he come with you then?

Is the problem that he is not at home and drinking in the pub?

Brighter_Future

hi pee
i too think i would be happier working outside and meeting new people. The way I feel now it would be much better if he did his drinking at the pub (giving me space)but he drinks at home. I need a break from him but its not going to happen as I am too soft