Really sorry but I dont want to be married anymore

Brighter_Future

I havnt loved husband for 9 years but have never been brave enough to do anything about it. He has always kept me short of money mostly contributing nothing at all to our household.He has always drunk and smoked far, far too much. He has been over the years very selfish and I feel like I brought our daughter up single handed. She rarely saw him when little due to him being out all time. He is not nasty but has at times been very controlling and has a temper but only very rarely. The problem is he is now close with daughter and she would be heartbroken if we split. I know I am not going to leave or anthing, I would have done it by now. How can I make things more bearable ? I do ask him to change but he never has. I work from home and never meet people. I have recently been thinking about another man I met last year who I hardly knew and I dont know why. My priority is my daughter she is my world. Any advise would be welcomed

Lost2

I left after 23 years, and trust me you should never stay because of your children as they up and leave anyway.
You are a long time dead and nobody said that because you made a mistake you have to stay.

Pee

How old is your daughter? If leaving is the only option, there is no reason why she could not continue to be close to him and share her time between you both.

Why did you fall in love with him and marry him in the first place? What are his good points?

What do you want from your life? is this completely incompatable with what he wants?

In what ways would you like him to change and can you put this into words so that he understands what you would like? Until you can explain what you want, you can't expect him to be a mindreader, however nice and easy that would be!!

I'm sure it would be more exciting to launch into a relationship with another man, but really, what are the chances of that relationship being any better in the longer term? How would that man feel about your daughter, especially if the terrible teens are approaching and she was cruel to him in a silly teenage phase? You are ust looking for an escape. You don't need an escape, you can leave on your own, but hopefully you can work things out. Is Relate or a date night an option?

Minxy_Bella

Forget about the other man for a moment and concentrate on getting yourself sorted out in a new life, away from your OH. I wouldn't waste another second in such a loveless state, hun - your child will be fine - happier actually when she sees that you are happier.

I know it's scary as I've done it myself but it was actually rather exciting, even setting up a new household from scratch and painting all the rooms crazy colours - just because I could!

Good luck!

xx

Brighter_Future

Thanks for your quick replies. I feel quite desperate at the moment. Daughter is 12. I know I wont be leaving as I dont have it in me. The last thing I want is a new man Pee, I know I said I keep thinking of someone I met but I would love to be on my own more than anything. The thing is I just want a peaceful life with no upheavills. I have told husband so many times but he never changes. I would like him to spend less on beer and cigarettes and contribute something to the household. I would also like us all to do stuff as a family sometimes (we never do). I keep telling him the family that plays together stays together. Date night would be a nightmare as we have nothing to talk about and he would go up the wall if I suggested relate. I dont want too much out of life but I have given up hope of getting the spark back in my marriage

Brighter_Future

Thanks Minxy Bella I know what your saying I left my 1st husband and I felt utter relief but I really feel as if this is me for life, I just know I wont do it

Minxy_Bella

Brighter_Future wrote: »

Thanks Minxy Bella I know what your saying I left my 1st husband and I felt utter relief but I really feel as if this is me for life, I just know I wont do it

I'm on my second marriage too, hun and if anything, it's made me more determined that life will be as fantastic as possible as I've already wasted nearly 20 years on someone who didn't show his love. So, my poor OH doesn't get away with much

Please don't feel as if you've made your bed and have to lie on it - you're still young and you deserve more than just a joyless existence.

Brighter_Future

Thanks again M_B I guess I dont want to hurt him either and thats a big part of staying. When I did get to the end of my tether and give him an ultimatum he said he will try and change and got really upset and said he loved me etc. That is the bit I am finding hard my 1st husband didnt really put up a fight and made it easier in a way

nancy.moore16

I always would prefer not to give up or get splitted when in a relationship and especially when there are children, because it is they who get affected the most because of the parents misunderstanding, so i suggest that you don't give up your relationship for your daughter's sake
and also i suggest that you make yourself independent financially as much as possible
Take my advice!
Money and Relationships

xxlaurissaxx

nancy.moore16 wrote: »

I always would prefer not to give up or get splitted when in a relationship and especially when there are children, because it is they who get affected the most because of the parents misunderstanding, so i suggest that you don't give up your relationship for your daughter's sake

Thats true to an extent that no one should not try and work it out, but only staying together for kids is terrible advice!
If people are unhappy and not getting along, its rubs off on the kids. Alot of kids are more happier when their parents split as there is no arguing or fighting.

Brighter_Future

DD will not have a clue as we very rarely argue. I am certainly not one to argue in front of her. It would be a bolt from the blue for her if we split. Really need some advise as to how best stick it out because I feel so low at moment. Guess I dont want to hurt child or husband. He never goes out anymore apart from work and when his car comes home my stomach churns. I wish he would go on nights out so I could have a break and maybe have a friend round. I never go out as I have no money after the bills are paid. I do have a social life around my child to an extent though. Thanks everyone