Really sorry but I dont want to be married anymore

Pee

Does he drink so much that his personality changes? Do you think he is unhappy?

Is working away from home really not an option? Even a very small part-time job, maybe behind a bar one night a week?

Caz3121

My DD was 15 when I left my ex and it was awful although situation different to yours, he did not drink or smoke but he did not work, we had a large mortgage on a renovation project which we agreed he would take 12 months out and complete (would not trust anyone else to do the work!) DD and I lived with my folks and then in a rented flat for nearly 2 years before being forced financially to move into the building site, this carried on whilst I worked (often 3 jobs) to pay the bills. Enough was enough after 4 years and I left him (5 years on he is still living in a building site) - this was not the only reason he was also a controlling bully and at 35 I had to ask permission to go out etc!

my daughter found it hard at the time, even moved in with her dad for a while. I have no contact with him (since he attacked me splitting my head open) I went through a very tough 12 months with counsellors and solicitors but now DD comments that I should have left him years before (she has little contact with him now and we are really close) She is a mum now and recently her partner and her decided to call it a day as they both believe staying together for the sake of a child is not the right thing to do, they are both grown up and love him to bits but accept they are not a long term couple as they both want different things from life and do not want to wait until they hate each other. We have spoken at length and she knows how unhappy I was throughout the marriage and I admit to her I can only really blame myself as I did not do anything about it so I had accepted it.

Whatever your decision it is clear that things need to change one way or another, of you do nothing how many more years of unhappiness is in front of you? I also know people where the crisis point has made their relationship so much stronger and they regained their happiness.

"If you always do what you always have done, you will always get what you always have got"....or something like that.....

another one that stayed with me after hearing it "Light a candle, don't complain about the dark"

Brighter_Future

Thanks everyone. He knows I am so down about things right now. He actually took me and DD out last night for the 1st time this year. He usually does this because it is one of the problems with our marriage (we dont do family stuff) and then we wont do it again until I reach breaking point again. I have told him how I feel too many times to mention. Pee his personality dosent change with the beer though

Brighter_Future

I think he is unhappy cos deep down he knows I have fallen out of love with him (sorry to say)

Pee

So how did the family time go? Did you thank him? Could you now suggest something similiar in say a fortnight? Does his making an effort make you feel fonder of him? If you appreciate it, tell him. Could you cook his favourite dinner? Does there feel any possibility of clawing something good out of this?

If you can stay together and be happy, that would be the best situation for all of you. If you cannot, then please don't waste time being miserable, move out, but bear in mind your daughter may choose to stay with him or may in the future, esp if you perhaps felt it appropriate to discipline her and he was prepared to give her the easy life. That is why it is really worth working on if you can, and if he is prepared to make an effort, too.

I'm very pleased that the alcohol issue is basically financially.

Brighter_Future

Hi Pee must admit I didnt thank him, will txt him at work with a nict txt. DD thanked him though as this was a rare treat for her. It does make me feel fonder of him but I have been here before many times and things very quickly go back to normal with him. Dont feel like cooking his favourite dinner just yet though lol. Cant afford to anyway, always have to buy on a very tight budget due to his bad habbits. Thanks again Pee

Pee

How about offering to cook his favourite dinner if he got the ingredients?

Well done with the text!

sarahs999

SO how does it work, when you say you pay for it? How are your finances organised? Sorry if I've missed something, but would something as simple as separate bank accounts with one for his 'jollies' (no overdraft facility), with a severely restricted budget, one account for the household where all bills etc come from, that you control (money could go into this from a standing order from his account each month for example).

I know you say he'd 'go mad', but let's look at this logically. If you were to sit down and say to him 'I'm at the end now, I really am. Either you come with me and work together as a family, financially and emotionally, or we are getting divorced and you can explain why to our daughter'. Surely if he realised you were serious he would have to get over his male pride and take some action?

Also, if you don't want a date night, make it a family night - cinema or a meal out once or twice a month.

Brighter_Future

Thanks Pee might do that when I stop feeling so resentful towards him. Sarah999 that is great advice and I definately will say it exactly how you have cos I think you are spot on. I will see how he goes as I think he is trying (very LOL) but if he slips back I am gonna say that to him. I would enjoy a family day twice a month and Pee the night out went very well thanks

Pee

If you can work out what you want, then he has two choices - to give you what you want or at least compromise in that direction or to carry on like he is and lose you. If it's the latter, you will be better offer because he is an uncaring idiot, but if it is the first, you both win, and probably your daughter, too.