Desperately seeking help 30K Plus

Bethankim

I am so sorry you are facing this and your honour comes across loud and clear, my heart goes out to you and your little ones. You do not deserve to be treated in this way please believe that

there has been so much sound advice and i can understand your loyalty, but your partner will not face reality while you try and solve it for her. Regardless of what she spent it on like any addict (i say addict because she is addicted to spending) she will not face up to anything until she is faced with loosing it all, sadly there is nothing you can do to help her until she asks.

Your priority is you and your girls, and you do seriously need advice as to what to do. If right now you cannot face having her arrested for fraud then you need to speak to CAB, or one of the other debt charities to get help with this, plus legal advice.

Of course we cannot make you do anything,i can only hope you find your way through it and get the help you need.

This board is full of amazing people and i can hand on heart say they helped me in my darkest days..

Beth
x

Shoe_Gal

This is one of the saddest stories l have read - and you are a amazingly loyal and honest man

I have no advice to offer - just my admiration

Good luck with whatever you decide :A

Nargleblast

Just bumping this back to the first page for you.

dancingfairy

Nargleblast wrote: »

As Queen B says, speak to brother in law, he might be of help. Also get some legal advice - some solicitors do free initial appointments. Show them your figures, give them the facts that you know of, and see what your options are. Put yourself and your children first - either your partner is total lowlife, or she's a decent person with severe mental health issues, which are beyond your ability to deal with anyway. Ask around, CAB, solicitors, GP, to get a picture of how best to tackle the situation. Have you family or friends you can trust to help out with the kids? I repeat, you and the children are your priorities, protect yourself and them at all costs. Once you have done that you will then be in a position to help your partner if you should wish to. And if her parents say anything then hit them with the full facts and figures.

I agree with Nargleblast - either she's a thoroughly nasty person or their are some serious underlying mental health issues there somewhere. Also is it possible to get to the bottom of what it's been spent on? is there any possibility it has been spent on bills and just household stuff you need but is just not any good at budgeting and is ashamed she can't manage a budget? or is it more than that?
Would also agree with Nargleblast that your priority is to make sure you are safe and your child(ren) and from there you can tackle the issues your partner has and how you are going to deal with the situation.
Good Luck
df

Nargleblast

Bumping this back to the top....

Circling_the_Drain

I don't think your situation can change for the better until she's dragged kicking & screaming into reality.I don't know if she's sorry for what she's done but she's ruining the present and the potential future for you & your children.Tell her parents,the police....it needs to be brought out into the open.See if she smirks then.Sorry if I sound harsh but she sounds like she uses you as her "buffer" from the real world.He'll deal with this for me,he's angry & it'll blow over then I can carry on........:mad:

endure

E3N wrote: »

Thank you all so much for all your responses that I have read and appreciate, I have started looking into the options. The very sad part is that I was sat here reading posts when my partner came in – I showed her what I had written and read back all of the responses you all kindly offered and if I am honest the feeling of being alone in my mind dealing with it all suddenly went for a moment and I broke down crying. My partner found it quite amusing because in 14 years (we are not married) she has only seen me like this 3 times, prior occasions were through people close to me that have passed. She laughed at me and in the back of her mind she knows that most of this debt has been achieved using my name, once again amused seeing a funny side to it all.

Up until here I had a little sympathy for your partner. After the laughter you need to show her the door. If she's willing to put you and her own children in this situation she's not worth saving. Kick her out. Get rid of her or she'll just keep dragging you down.

MyLastFiver

There are lots of stories on here about partners secretly running up debts, but yours is different.

This is a case of deliberate and sustained dishonesty against her closest family, much of it criminal.

If she was to be completely honest with you AND contrite, right now, I would advise you to take control and work through it with her. BUT as you are still having to drag things out of her, AND she thinks your distress is funny, I cannot advise you to do this.

Someone with Antisocial Personality Disorder can seem perfectly civilised and adjusted but, beneath this veneer, sees relationships as opportunities for gain, sees emotions in others as weaknesses to be exploited, and acts impulsively and with no thought of the consequences and harm to others. People with this disorder do not change; they just move from victim to victim.

This woman has bled you dry and thinks it is funny.

the feeling of being alone

This speaks volumes. Can I suggest that she is able to manipulate you because you don't want to live without her? I suspect that the money situation is not the only circumstance in your relationship where you have felt undermined, lied-to or manipulated by this woman. You say that you set up joint accounts to "prevent fund withdrawals". I don't think you ever trusted her.

You are not married and so have not undertaken a moral vow to be with her for ever. Leave her. Get away.

There is a message board on the web for people living with sociopaths/psychopaths/APD; lots of stories like yours. I suggest you do some googling. The overwhelming advice given by victims and experts alike is GET AWAY FROM THEM.

edit: Just to add, I really wouldn't confide in her family any more if I were you. When push comes to shove their loyalty is likely to remain with her, especially because she will probably tell them lies about you. You may feel very alone right now but don't let this cloud your judgement.

This board is incredibly supportive and caring; everyone here has money problems of some sort and we like to help each other out. When you want to talk, come and write on here. PM me any time you like, and good luck.

tallyhoh

My partner has been like this for over 40 years, time spent in prison for fraud, he has manipulated or just stolen money from friends & family. He would be outraged if it was ever mentioned & always managed to make it seem like the fault of others. Bankruptcy order was just ignored & he actually took a job in finance, stole more money that his Dad repaid. The list goes on.
I have kept the peace as we have a son, so I really know what you are going through.
I wish I had some answers for you, the only thing I can say is that if you feel strong enough get away now, your OH sounds like she has the same personality disorder & I regret there is no cure, you just have to take steps to protect yourself.

CrazyCatLady

I have to agree with everyone, what she has done is despicable, and I don't think you'll be able to solve this until your partner sees that this is HER problem, NOT yours. As for her parents thinking badly of you because they bail her out, is that really true, or is that something your OH told you in order to manipulate you? If her parents are really like that then they are disgusting. How could you have helped her with her debts when she was deceiving you and hiding them from you? And why the heck should YOU have to pay them anyway, this is the 21st century, us women don't need a man to fund our frivolities, nor our parents for that matter. Parents are released from their financial responsibilities to their children as soon as they turn 18, it was THEIR choice to help her; a stupid one to be honest. If they wanted to be supportive and really help, they should have sought advice from a debt charity before opening their wallets.

If your partner is not willing to behave like a decent human being and accept full responsibility for HER debts, you should definitely report her for fraud.

Also wanted to say I totally agree with MyLastFiver's post.