Desperately seeking help 30K Plus

Taloolah

I really hope that everything works out for you. I think your wife is very fortunate to have an understanding partner. It is understandable you wanting to keep your family together. Before you do anything I think you need to sit down with your wife and make sure she is completely honest with you, so that you know the full extent of all monies owed so that there are not any further surprises.Once you know the full extent of the debt you can start to sort the mess and take all the help that is out there.

Its important for you to know what the money has been spent on. Is there the possibly of returning any goods for a refund or selling anything purchased by your wife? This kind of obsessive deceitful behaviour does sound like the result of some kind of addiction, if its not shopping then it could be gambling or drugs. Its important that you know so that your wife can recieve urgent help and the starting point is your GP.

There is plenty of good advice out there to sort out your debt and I wish you all well.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

Hi there, my heart goes out to you dealing with this situation. Im a widow now but when my dh was alive, he was alcoholic and would spend money like water, in my case I transferred the debt to my name so I knew it would be paid off each month, and am still paying it back now as a result! It was literally thousands and thousands that he spent during his addiction. More than the mortgage each month. I loved him totally and in a way its on a parallel to your situation.

I think once you have decided your next course of action, you need support aswell as your partner. In the alcoholic "world" there is AA for the alcoholic, Al Anon for relatives of alcoholics, you need the support and direction and help with various issues as much as your partner from a debt charity, maybe the CAB could put you in the right direction. Its a big responsibility when everything falls on your shoulders to get out of a situation. Your partner wil no doubt receive help for her addiction if she wants it, but dont forget you, coming on here wil obviously help you, and also dont forget your children and how it may effect them, all of you need support , not just your partner.

I would also say to you that there is much to be said for "tough love".

Good luck

Brussel_Sprout

This is my first post, I joined up last week and have just been reading others posts.

I'm sorry for what your other half has done, and I wish you all the best in sorting this out.

I think the CAB is the first point of call - Good Luck

sarahs999

Are you there E3N? Please come back and update us.

E3N

Thank you all so much for all your responses that I have read and appreciate, I have started looking into the options. The very sad part is that I was sat here reading posts when my partner came in – I showed her what I had written and read back all of the responses you all kindly offered and if I am honest the feeling of being alone in my mind dealing with it all suddenly went for a moment and I broke down crying. My partner found it quite amusing because in 14 years (we are not married) she has only seen me like this 3 times, prior occasions were through people close to me that have passed. She laughed at me and in the back of her mind she knows that most of this debt has been achieved using my name, once again amused seeing a funny side to it all.

Since, the debt issue worsens and I learn new things all the time and discovered that my partner’s parents on the hush from me had been helping her, or so they think. They cleared one of her £5,000 maxed out credit cards and one of her many types of ‘Pay-day loans’, they of course know nothing of the depth of the problem and what adds to the pain of it is that I am sure they look upon me as failing my family with them having to bail her out. Yet I am protecting her from not telling them although I have confided in her Sister and Husband, whom I know I can trust. Her husband is a Police Officer and knows only too well how much trouble she could be in if I took this matter further but on the same note she is my common law partner, mother to my girls and by doing that I destroy her future. If I did 90% of the debts would be dissolved through the Courts but I just cannot do it. She just buries her head in the sand I have to find the energy to do my upmost dealing with it, while she seems only to find the funny smirk – or is it just her nervous reaction, questionable!

The ‘Pay-Day’ loan she paid off with her parents cash, she just took the loan out again I discovered. She tells me that if I ever told her parents what she did then I would destroy her reputation with them. The betrayal is destroying me from the inside out and since April prescribed anti-depressants, not all because of the debt and includes some life matters but this has been the tipping block.

Talking to her is like communicating with a brick wall.

Since posting last I have been dealing with many of the phone calls and house visits we are getting and trying to find a way to resolve it all, oh and having our phone line and internet reconnected which was cut off the night I first posted. Even offering money to Companies seeking payment and will not accept the amount I can afford to pay. I can see it from there point of view but with the mortgage and no help from the Government in way of benefit type allowances (just for living) are met with red tape because I am a home owner. It shocks me that I have always paid my way in life and that unless I live in a council and rented home there is no help apart from tax credits. When my partner resigned her job she called them up and instead of helping they reduced the allowance, I find it odd – if you are earning a full wage they help and if you don’t they drop the amount they are willing to support you with and yet again find ourselves even worse off. Key to this is if you own your own home and pay taxes you help the unemployed - If you find yourself in a similar position down the road you have no income boasting entitlement.

I have taken her to see our Doctor and I told him what has been going on and his reply was: ‘I am a GP, what can I do? – you can get counselling but it does cost.’ Thanks doc!!

It is all such a mess _pale_

honeybear_2

E3N, my heart truly goes out to you.

I don't have a clue what to suggest for the best - there is already some good advice posted here but only you can decide what's best for your situation.

All I will offer is that you can't change your OH, only she can if she decides she wants to change. It's horribly harsh but I know to my own cost that it's the truth.

I wish you so much luck & support in dealing with this.

dancingfairy

I just can"t believe anyone would laugh at you crying - that is such a nasty thing to do.
You say that if you tell her parents it would destroy her reputation - I'm sorry but I think she has done that on her own - she may well be the mother of your children but what sort of example is she setting to your children? to live in fear of debt? that it's o.k for someone to lie and steal someone's identity for their own ends? that it's o.k to put someone's house and their health at risk?
I'm sorry but where will this all end? you are trying to sort out her mess and she is acting absolutely disgustingly.
You don't need to tell her parents do you? and who cares what they think anyway? you know the truth and your friends will know the truth and if she is found guilty of a crime then everyone also will see the truth.
She has committed fraud, your health is suffering, you have debt collectors to deal with and she doesn't appear to care and even finds it funny - that is sending serious alarm bells - you really need to get some help and decide if your relationship is really worth this.
Sending you best wishes
df

tori.k

she need's a huge dose of reality,i imagine she feels she can laugh this off because your her rock and you will sort it and if worse comes to worse its mainly in your name so she could leave it all behind her.
If i was in your shoes id remove the rug, keep the kids, pack up some of her stuff and tell her i needed some time to get my head round what she had done and she best stay with her family for a while.she needs to wake up to whats she's done and be responsible for her actions, until that happens things wont change as she has her knight in shinning armour to deal with all the crap ( i understand as its in your name you have no choice in this) but maybe the reality that you wont protect(fund) her anymore would give her a wake up call, sometimes you dont realize what you have till its gone
Best of luck

QueenBeruthiel

I feel utterly inadequate to offer advice on your problems, OP. On the one hand, various questions suggest themselves. Such as: is this behaviour on her part a complete change? Surely she hasn't always gone around laughing at human misery?

And... what has she done with the money? Gambling? Drugs? Being blackmailed?

On the other hand.... what does it really matter? If she won't accept responsibility, then what hope is there that she will ever change? Even if you clear her debts, then what is to stop her running up more?

I can only urge you to save yourself, by whatever means. Even if that means refusing to pay anything towards these debts, and even exposing her for fraud.

Perhaps your BIL can advise: the police are trained to be objective, even in the cases of family members.

Nargleblast

As Queen B says, speak to brother in law, he might be of help. Also get some legal advice - some solicitors do free initial appointments. Show them your figures, give them the facts that you know of, and see what your options are. Put yourself and your children first - either your partner is total lowlife, or she's a decent person with severe mental health issues, which are beyond your ability to deal with anyway. Ask around, CAB, solicitors, GP, to get a picture of how best to tackle the situation. Have you family or friends you can trust to help out with the kids? I repeat, you and the children are your priorities, protect yourself and them at all costs. Once you have done that you will then be in a position to help your partner if you should wish to. And if her parents say anything then hit them with the full facts and figures.