Desperately seeking help 30K Plus

E3N

As a working man with a young family I have always without question kept to my responsibilities and provided. I have been in my line of work for 10 years now within the Satellite industry and my partner of 14 years and had worked until recently in the Corporate Banking sector, in the last 6 years it has been like working for nothing 'as in every penny I have ever earnt each month got paid into our joint account', I never questioned this as I knew that it would pay for bills/mortgage etc... Some months I have been lucky to see £10 in my pocket...

I recently discovered and this is to my shame (I feel) that I started discovering clues around our home that either contained bills that had not been paid, of which I knew nothing of and I came across 2 credit cards in my name and that I had never applied for. I felt cold all over because I had flashbacks of times when I asked questions about out finances because some months we were biting into an overdraft and I did find it rather odd because our outgoings each month were only around the £900 mark and jointly we earnt £3000, which amounts to a good living by comparison. I started asking difficult questions of my partner and she just resisted or moved the conversation on each time not getting anywhere, during this period my partner went off sick at work and remained so until she resigned in August just gone. Prior to this I started finding more and more evidence and trusting and believing in her and I foolishly backed down that all we would be OK. I knew in my heart that things were not right but I thought that she knew I knew now and that work to repair it would begin, within days of this I found one of our Kids savings bank account books and although I picked it up and looked I did not pay much attention to it until my partner snatched it out of my hands. I got it back off her, which was not easy and I noticed that account was empty and it just brought a lump to my throat because in my other daughters account there was around the £5000 mark, up to £1000 in the other. I begged her to tell me she had not used any of the other money and she broke down crying and told me that she was thinking about taking her life, which has not been the first time. She had emptied both accounts that both us and her family had contributed too - further more we had another savings account with a further £5000 in set aside for dark days like today, but this has all gone too. All accounts were joint signatory accounts to prevent fund withdrawals and as more filters from my partner and still I do not know everything it just keeps getting worse, she had forged my signature either on banking slips or wrote letters of authorization - signing them in my name and taking money.

Without making the post to long other debts include: Catalogs, 11 Credit Cards, Internet loans and sharks, various TV advertised quick loans, Other Bank loans and most of this (not all) in my name because I have the common sense to live within my means and she used my name without my knowledge or agreement and I now have CCJ's, Bailiffs and debt collection agencies tracking me for payments that up to last checking is in the region of £30k+. I know that the easy solution would be to report her to the Police but she is my partner and I love her and we have two Children.

I just do not know what to do because now even our home security could become the next big issue. I am looking at IVA options and CA etc...

mummum2

Oh my Good Lord, really don't have any answers, just could'nt read and run and wanted to send you a:grouphug:. There will be lots of knowledgeable people along to give you solid advice.

Good luck.

MM2

Jesthar

Hi E3N, and welcome - such a shame it is under such awful circumstances...

Regarding these debts - are any of these secured on the house? If not, you'e in a slightly better position than if they were, as getting unsecured debt attached to a properts is not usually a quick affair.

I know it's painful, but it would also really help us if you can put together a full Statement of Affairs for us (a sort of financial summary of your current position), it really helps us to help you. A link to our favourite calculator is here:

http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

If you use the MSE button in the 'forum' section, it will create a version you can copy and paste into a new post in this thread.

I would suggest as a matter or urgency you also check your credit file, and see if you have the full picture or if there is even more you don't know about. And I know this will sound harsh, but you also need to take full control of the household finances, so you also need to check your wifes credit file and make sure you have found and removed her access to all accounts she has opened. Do you even have any idea what she spend the cash on?

I wish I could give yo more help, I really do. I'm just not sure how, really. Although (and I really, really don't like having to say these kind of things, but needs must)...

Are you absolutely determined to not go down the fraud route? Your partner has stolen an awful lot from both you and your children, and for what? You have had an excellent joint income, yet she has still opened accounts in your name AND taken money you had saved for your children. I have to confess I am at a loss for what mindset could do that to their own kids, but she has done it. You admit you have spend the last six years of your life working for nothing, and you are going to spend an awful lot longer doing so if you agree to take on this debt. I won't say that love doesn't cover this scenario, I would never say that as I absolutely believe it does - but that doesn't mean actions don't have consequences, so the question also has to be "Does she love you and your children enough to admit and face up to what she has done and the consequences of that?" Sometimes, loving people means you have to do what is best for them, not what would be easiest for them.

Apologies if the above sounds harsh, it's not meant to come across that way (the internet is a strangely impersonal tool sometimes)...

*hugs*

~Jes

misspoppy

Hi

I'm really not sure what to suggest here. Obviously she needs some support from the GP but in addition I think you are going to have to jointly go and see a debt charity, and have it all in black and white. The main thing you have to find out is what on earth the money has been spent on, if she has a gambling problem or some other additction it obviously needs dealing with. I think the only good news is that her credit will be totally shot so she can't get any more. If you can you need to have the children looked after by someone else for the day and go through everything with your partner.

sp1987

Oh my god. How could somebody do this to their partner, let alone their own children?

You really need to report this, as hard as it may seem. You cannot allow your children to risk losing their home if it happens again. If she does not face up to what she has done now that it has been made 'real' then she never will. You need to put your children first as she obviously has issues that allows her to take money saved for them. She has no issue forging your signature for something without you knowing as you would not consent to it.

The relationship status after this is your business, but you will have to consider that if this has been going on a long time, long enough for debt collectors and CCJs, it may not be easily stopped. I would be running so fast I would forget to put my shoes on! What has she even done with the money? Do not blame yourself for not spotting it, who looks for their partner to be defrauding them and their children out of thousands?

QueenBeruthiel

So very sorry for your situation! I too think you should report this.
What on earth has she done with the money?

sarahs999

Reporting it will probably lead to the end of their marriage. Perhaps that is not what OP wants, and with children involved it would be best for all if it can be dealt with another way.

Your partner has to come clean and admit to everything. She also needs urgent help from a doctor - she is clearly under a lot of stress due to all the secrets she has been keeping,a nd she also needs help for her addiction to moneyspending.

There will be a way out of the money mess, so try not to worry too much. Get all of the details, sit down and fill in an SOA and we will help you. You will probably need a debt charity though.

The big thing that wil be difficult to clear up is trust in your partner, and getting over the betrayal. But that comes later. FOr now make sure she is looked after, and that you have the support you need to start tackling this.

anh1904

Full statement of affairs, and with your assumed income of 3k and assumed debt of 30k, you will be able to sort this (and there speaks the voice of semi-experience).

The trust your partner has thrown away, only you will be able to determine if she can be given the opportunity to regain it, but for now, that is not a priority.

You need to ask her for all means of accessing any finance and ask that she surrender them to you while you take stock and take control.

If you want to, you will get through this.

I really feel for you - for the betrayal more than the debt, as the debt will be sorted within a few years.

Good luck.

RAS

Hi E3N

You may want to get protective regsitration with CIFAS?

http://www.cifas.org.uk/default.asp?edit_id=565-85

This would prevent OH ever taking out debts in your ame again.

Sadly we see a lot of this - last week it was someone whose mother had been taking out loan in the names of all her daughters and not repaying them.

tasha-debt

I was utter shocked whilst reading your post. But now that I have thought about it I think you really need to find out where all the money has gone before you decide what to do.

If for example she has some kind of addiction then maybe once she receives help you will be able to forgive her, but if it is something much worse (my mind has gone to some horriable senerios such as an affair, sorry but its what i was thinking), then I think you need to report her and ask her to move out for a while until you have time to take stock of everything.

But until you know where the money has gone I wouldnt make any rushed decisions, their may be an explanation.

If you decide to stay with her then things in your house will need to change a lot, she can not be trusted with any thing financial so I would change all joint accounts to your name only. Give her pocket money or something and you need to speak to a debt charity.

Good luck and please keep posting.
xx

Bleddry

Terribly sorry for your bad news.
I had a friend who did a similar thing to her family and children. She nearly ended up in prison - except they are full already! You think she would have learned her lesson, but apparently not, and she is still trying and in some cases succeeding to secure further credit. She loves her husband and children, but can't help her greed - although this is not a trait in her character than any of us had noted before, a lovelier lady you couldn't hope to meet! I think it was an ebay addiction, that she spent £1000's on. The fact your wife can't own up to these issues will be her first hurdle. I would imagine it's a bit like an alcoholic who can't be helped until they acknowledge they have a problem. You certainly need to be ruthless with her and ensure she has no way of accessing any more credit, perhaps get some professional help/counselling. I think it would help your wife, and the family finances, if you encouraged her to meet little achievable debt busting targets, that you could set daily or weekly to keep her focussed on positives. There are loads of ideas on this site to help make a little go a long way. It might help her feel more positive about her self, perhaps raise her self-esteem, to see that she was beginning to make amends - because I can only imagine how bad she must be feeling, at the depths to which she has stooped in her quest for credit. My friend told me she wished her husband would be mad at her instead of so understanding, as it only made her feel even worse. She wanted to be punished, and didn't feel she could move on until this had happened.
I hope you can sort out your debt problem soon, there are a lot of knowledgeable people on this site, and they all seem very helpful. Good Luck!