Desperately seeking help 30K Plus

sp1987

Any decent person would have snapped back into reality and realised they had to start sorting this out. Even if they could only get a minimum wage job for a couple of hours a week, they would want to start showing that they regret their mistake and try their utmost to prove they want to rectify the situation.

You do not laugh at the distress of somebody you claim you care about. ''Nervous'' laughter is one thing, but had you thought it was that, you would not have mentioned it.

She has not shown any respect for you and probably more upsetting for you, even less for the children you share together. I would not want to put myself and my children in any position where they may suffer. I am not sure how old they are but regardless, they will know there is something ''wrong'' with you (so much so you needed to begin a course of anti-depressants). Children are very sensitive and much more astute than they look. For their sakes, you do not want them to grow up with the mentality that all they can hope for is somebody that pushes them to anti-depressants and continues to treat them like dirt. I am sure if one of your girls came to you in 20 years time saying their partner did this to them, you would be the first to tell them they needed to protect themselves and their children. If she changes in due course, then you can of course reconsider the situation. She will not change whilst every problem is sorted out by somebody else, in fact, each problem is ''laughable'' because it is not a problem whilst you are tasked with sorting it out.

If I was you I would try to talk to somebody on your side who you trust, whether that is a GP or whoever, to ensure you do not have to share this problem with the one person who seems to systematically make it worse. Can you be referred to a counsellor yourself, so you do not feel ''alone'' at all? It is affecting your health, your security (i.e. your home), your and your childrens future and probably your childrens happiness soon if it has not already. If you pay off those debts, she will take out more, if you top up your childrens accounts, she will take the money again. You need to do something to help you, because she sure as hell will not.

I would 100% report her for fraud, my partner just said in the same situation he would do exactly the same to me. You are obviously a loyal and honest man and that is to be commended, but you should not be abused.

TheBex

Hi

What a sad story. Good that you're here though, there are lots of clever types like mylastfiver who will help you get through this (with or without her)

I would report her and move her out. If you're loathe to do this, then just think about the next questions, no need to tell us your answers, just think about them: If you do fix it for her this time, would you ever be able to trust or respect her? Would you be able to do it again next time? Would you have to keep secret the fact that she has done this to you? How long would it take to pay it all off? Will you resent her?

If she hasn't got some sort of addiction then her behaviour is unforgivable in my mind. The fact that you're even considering it tells me that you are a loyal and loving man, and I really hope you work something out so that you can be happy, with or without her.

Keep us all updated.

Taloolah

I am really shocked to have read your post. If your partner is finding this situation amusing and laughing at the stress and angst that she has caused to you and the rest of her family then I think there is only one option left open to you. That option is to report her to the police maybe that will be the only thing that will make her realise the gravity of the situation she has caused. She is not going to get help or change her behaviour whilst she refuses to take responsibility for her own actions. She has already made you her victim don't let her make a fool out of you. Its not an easy option but tough love is exactly that, her actions are drastic and it calls for drastic measures to get your lives back on track. Good luck.

POSITIVE_AND_FOCUSED

I just wonder how you are in yourself and whether you have been able to determine a strategy for you and your children.

The Serenity Prayer is a great piece of wisdom, and follows much of the advice already given:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference.

I feel you need to find courage in your heart to prioritise you and your children. Your partner may have an illness - addiction - however, it still effects you and your children and she is responsible for her choices in life, your children are not. With your partner as she is, and now you on anti depressants consider how you would manage if things carried on as they are, something has to give, please don't let that be you or your children.

Please, please find in yourself the courage to do the right thing for you. Know you have what it takes, find that inner confidence in yourself to do the right thing for you.

I just wonder, do you have family, your siblings or parents to whom you can seek support in the coming days. Whilst your doctor can only recommend counselling, perhaps this avenue would be helpful for YOU to explore anyway. She may have the problem, but the fact is you are the one who wants to put it right and it would be an excellent way of sorting out your options clearly in your head and define a plan as to how you move forward whether it includes her or not. If you have to pay for counselling then you are worth it, however, you may be able to find free sessions through other sources - we have a local walk in advice centre on this estate, and they offer counselling for free, maybe there is something similar in your area.

Good luck, and keep strong All the best!

emmington_2

OMG I really feel for you,

I can give you little advice but I guess that in your shoes right now anything is better than nothing...

You need to think long and hard about whether you want to be with this person. She is bank rolling you. I would suggest that people who love other people don't get their loved ones into situations such as this... and they especially don't laugh about it. How old are your children?

VERY IMPORTANT QUESTIONS TO BE ANSWERED:
Does your partner have a criminal record? Because, if she doesn't already have a criminal record, I would suggest that you report it to the police. Because in this instance, the debt would all be wiped and furthermore your partner would probably get away with a punishment which is NOT a prison sentance. I couldn't say what because ultimately the decision is made by the Crown Prosecution Service, but maybe a conditional caution to put the debt in her name and pay it back at an affordable amount with maybe a suspended sentance. This way, your debt would be cleared from your name, the creditors would stop chasing, and your partner would be shamed for all to see of her addiction. This in turn would make her learn her lesson and hopefully that would be the end of the matter never to happen again.

TELL HER PARENTS THE TRUTH. Covering for her doesn't help. It harbours her addiction and she will only get worse. Tough love required.

If you do decide to 'let her get away with it' and not tell the police. Write to all of the creditors, explain the situation, and provide them with a letter which outlines a repayment plan. Ring them up, dont tell them who you are, and just ask for their bank details. You can then send them money even if it does not amount to how much they want. No court in the land will convict you for non payment when you have shown willingness to pay what you can afford.

Think seriously about the police. As I said before, if she doesn't have a criminal record, she will get away with a punishment which is not a prison sentance and this would bring her back to reality.

Keep us all posted :rolleyes:

Emmington

Nargleblast

Lots to think about, E3N. You probably didn't want to hear what some of us have told you, but nevertheless people can only advise according to what information you give them. Certainly, whether your partner is a good or bad person, she is a long way down a dark, dark road, and I agree wholeheartedly with all those who say stop covering up for her. It's a bit like living with a gambler or an alcoholic - as soon as you stop providing them with excuses and alibis, they have to take responsibility for their problem. Blow the whistle to police, family, whoever, and make sure you have taken legal advice about your position. The previous poster mentioned about whether she has a criminal record. I suspect the reason she left her job was probably because she was caught thieving and was told "resign or we call the police in." That is certainly the impression I get, after all, if you are in debt you don't chuck in your job, no matter how awful it is, not without having another to go to. Good luck.

sarahs999

BUmping for the OP. Are you still there? do keep talking.

E3N

Hi Everyone,

Trying to sleep has been mission impossible and I have been sitting here 11 hours so far going through all the debt letters and calling cards, and of cause all the phone calls that are coming through every 30 minutes. While I have been sat here I got my partner to go to the post office because she has been collecting our post from the sorting office for months now having claimed to me that she lost the 'pigeon hole' postbox key...

Another method to keep from me debt letters (I think) but I demanded that she gave me all the post this morning and with debt letters alone a further 26 arrived - I am going through them as I write and hey the phone is ringing again while typing :think: - I will come back on here later and write a full update but in the meanwhile I have just discovered another £1089.70 :embarasse - At present I am writing to many of the Companies to acknowledge and request further information!

Thank you all xxx

Circling_the_Drain

Has she told you what she spent all the money on yet?

RAS

Hi E3N

You must get protective regsitration with CIFAS as this would stop your partner running up more debts in your name.

http://www.cifas.org.uk/default.asp?edit_id=565-85

This would prevent OH ever taking out debts in your name again.

Sadly we see a lot of this - last week it was someone whose mother had been taking out loan in the names of all her daughters and not repaying them.