One day at a time - A DFW diary

my_mess

Hi there

I haven't managed to get here for a few days ... DS has dominated the laptop, and I have been tired, basically.
Hugely busy at work - and have my head still full of regrets, guilt and other associated crap regarding my relationship with ex.
It must be me - I have no friends, I never go out socially, or even to window-shop and only ever seem to spend time either at work or fretting about what a complete !!!!-up I've made of my whole life.

One of my colleagues said today that I needed to just chill out, and move on. Thing is - I have no idea how to any more........ what constitutes 'chilling-out' anyway?
Going out and drinking with complete strangers?

All I'm doing lately is sitting around the house driving myself mad with worry about the fact that I can't seem to move forward.

Facts :
- I work full time
- I have no money to spare
- I don't see any friends
- I don't drive


I veer from 'Yes, I have to take the bull by the horns, and make a new life on my own' to 'What's the point of making plans - they wont solve the issues, and I cant achieve them with no money'

I'm in a dark place - stuck.

beanielou

So sorry things are so tough for you at the mo.
On the positive side your debt is going down.
Sometimes our DF journey can be a lonely one.
Hang in there & take care.

Primula

Hello
Just read your diary to date and was sorry to read your most recent post. Sounds like you having a bad day, don't be too hard on yourself. Not everyone is a going out person, most important thing is to be happy with yourself, nowt wrong with staying in watching tv, doing some crafty stuff or spending all evening on this wonderful site where lots of lovely people hang out. Keep posting. Oh, and why not ask your colleague out for that pizza or a MSE one over at your house?
P

Pippilongstocking

Edited to say - sorry this sounds like a bit of a rant - but I get people all the time telling me I need to chill out - they have no comprehension of what on earth life is like as a single parent. Its only my opinion but I wanted to say you aren't alone - as empty as that sounds! Hugs.

I think chilling out gettting drunk with unknown strangers, doesnt constitute moving on, or having fun, or anything that will help its a short fix that probably might make you feel better, but only makes me feel even more awkward. Only my opinion though sounds like you are cream crackered most of the time x Single parenting is exhausting! No one tells you that

Dont worry about not chilling out, I can't chill out - it just gives me tonnes of time to think about everything about my life that is broken, doesnt work well or is missing.

As far as I see (and its only my opinion) chilling out is for some folks but its NOT for me. Its taken me alot of time to realise that I dont really chilll out and I am not really bothered about it any more - I use to get so stressed about chilling out - now I don't try!!

I am a big fan of keeping busy, being on my own alot (I have NO friends here - not great a social small talk) and like you I am just too busy to be AR*ed most of the time with small talk.

Sorry to hear you are in a black place - what lifts you up? For me it USE to be gardening but lately I don't think even that helps me. Gives me too much time to think about how many things I seem to havve got wrong/messed up.

I seem to be much better at getting angry or sad but then (as am not good at chilling) I channel that non-chilling into either ways to save money (whch you are great at) or I also clean alot (which is odd cos my house is chaos as is my life generally) cook alot and bark at my children alot - walk dogs alot too, they don't seem to mind if you are grumpy and I am grumpy alot!!.

Hugs to you my dear - don't beat yourself up about relationships - takes two folks to work at them - try and be nice to yourself and hope to hear you again soon. xx

Pippilongstocking

ps happy to do a seed swap - craft swap thing

what you thinking?

x

my_mess

I'm here.
Despite a major sickness episode all Sunday night (and boy, it was really awful!) - I survive.

Fay - thank you. You have no idea how much your postings and good wishes mean. It makes a huge difference to know I'm not alone in all of this, regardless of how it seems at times.
I have some rubber stamps and ink pads you can have, or some packs of blank cards, or some bits and pieces of embellishments and papers.
Let me know what you are interested in, and I'll make up a little box and send it up.

I didn't go to work yesterday after the most horrendous previous night, and have been pretty ropey since - but feeling a little better this afternoon. My work colleagues were nice to me, and left me alone/in peace for most of today - so I was at least able to get on with some work.

On the money front - I think I have about £40 to last me 'til I get paid (28th).
Hopefully, I'll be able to stretch this out, with only food to pay for. There's a fair bit in the cupboards and freezer, so I'll do my best.

DS is now pointing out to me that his school trousers are getting short - more fool me for buying two new pairs in June, and hoping that they might last him until Xmas. No chance - so that's the next thing on the agenda. Mind you, he has grown about 8 inches in a year.
Roll on payday !

Apart fom the usual nonsense, that's me. I need an early night to get over the gut-wrenching, so will probably just curl up and read for a bit.

Hugs and thanks
x

Pippilongstocking

I can babble rubbish at you anytime!

Craft stuff sounds ace - what seeds are you thinking of wanting?

My DS has started to grow after many years of being in slow to stop - thankfully he doesnt have a uniform so we have topped up some of his clothes from his chum (who is younger and taller) and last time I was south we spent a wee bit in Asda on clothes but not more than about £20 - its so much more expensive when you have to buy uniform stuff - ergh

We need to eat out of the groaning cupboards more - been an expensive month so far.

Hope things settle down for you - single parenting is really hard work - seems to jsut get harder as they get older - I didn't expect that. I do a bit with One Parent Families Scotland (not your area) but there is a similar organisation 'sooth' - they do great stuff. They helped me enormously.

Hugs - looking forward to hearing how you make £40 stretch this month -

my_mess

Let me know about the crafty/seed swap thing fay

my_mess

Sneaking in - as I can feel DS is just about to say those special words .......


'Can I have the laptop, Mum...?'


An ok day today for me - work was productive once again, and I managed to tidy up some things that I had put off for weeks and weeks - GO ME !

The online banking check was a bit of a shocker though - how the **** can I be overdrawn by £169 when there's no overdraft facility on the account ????


Anyway - none of that matters, cos I am a bit worried about DS, actually - for the last few days he has complained of dizziness/faintness. Now that might be down to some kind of virus thing (there seem to be loads of them going around) - but I do keep an eye on such things since his accident (Feb 2009). We are due to go to the hospital/head injury follow-up clinic thing on Friday, so I will make sure he mentions it there - just in case they feel it's something that they should monitor.

I don't want to seem like I'm fussing too much, but after being hit by 2 tons of Vauxhall Vectra, I think he's entitled to be looked after properly.

Bless him, for all his teenage nuances (!), he is a good kid.


Right - I'm off to have a little something to eat, and fret about DS ..............

Pippilongstocking

(((hug)))

and he's got you to look out for him - so you can make sure he's ok - damn those vauxhalls - what a nightmare

DD has just said can I quickly check something online

Ah teenagers..............ta for the PM - will put my thinking cap on - hope all goes OK on Friday.