is this normal?

MrsE_2

rrwfotr wrote: »

thanks for all your replies. No he is not forgetful, he hates shopping never goes or takes me shopping but makes out to his mates he does and i have to play along with it. Its not about the money as I can buy whatever I like as I have the money, its the lack of thought and 'cant be asked' attitude.

My DH hates shopping & rarely comes shopping.

He does often give me money as a present, in a card & takes me out.

But we don't go out much, hes a homebird & gets up early & frankly can't be bothered, but we go out for birthdays, anniversarys, mothers/fathers day that sort of thing.

But to not buy you a card & take you out is not nice, poor you:grouphug:

*Louise*

My OH, Dad and brother all don't 'do' birthday cards etc. Not because they don't care, but because they don't see the point. I guess it's a female thing, which is why we get left to do it all usually.

However...my OH and my Dad do make the effort because they would never hear the end of it if they just didn't bother. It's important to the women in their life so they do it for them. Anyone who doesn't isn't very considerate of their partners feelings.

Mojisola

myaccount08 wrote: »

If your views are the opposite to your OH, and you have clearly explained to him how important it is to you and then he specifically ignores this - then the problem is that he is deliberately hurting your feelings, rather than the fact you're not just getting gifts. I'd ask him for a good reason as to why he cannot do what makes you happy, if he has no reason and is just being selfish then you can safely assume he just doesn't care.

This is the heart of the problem - if he doesn't care that his way of doing things upsets you, then are you sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Do you really want your children to have a father like this?

We all have to make compromises in a longterm relationship and make changes to how we lived before. It sounds as if he is refusing to many any changes and that you are having to fit into how he lives his life. Why do you have to lie to his friends about what you do together? What would happen if you told the truth?

newlywed

Is there something else worrying him? Does he have debts you don't know about? Does he worry about your mortgage or paying for furnishing your home?

I know my OH would love to buy me expensive presents but we just don't have the money till the debts are all paid off. But he still gets me an anniversary card and uses the internet to order me a present or flowers. We don't really go out for dinner though due to cash but sometimes go out for tea and cake at a cafe as a treat instead.

ICATQ

You have been married 6 years and presumably went out for a period of time prior to that. If he has been like this since the start of your relationship why didnt you mention it earlier if it is an issue?

He probably thinks he is normal. I know there are others out there like him, a friend of mine had a partner like that. She left him!!

valos_mummy

Stop lying. Don't lie to his friends, and don't lie to your friends/family. By pretending everything's alright and "normal" you are giving out the message, however subconsiously, that you are prepared to put up with this behaviour. Tell your OH that you are fed up of lying and from now on it will stop. If they ask, they're getting the truth.

In the future if anyone asks about what OH got you for your birthday, or Christmas, or where you're going on your hols - tell them the truth. Your OH doesn't want to make the effort for you, he doesn't "do" holidays, or meals out, or day trips, or Christmas. He doesn't even want you do it it for him and the last time you tried he got nasty. All he wants to do is watch the tely in your spare time. With you on his case he justs ignores you. With everyone else on his case he may buck up and realise what a selfish so-and-so he's being.

I had an ex who didn't really do birthdays, he couldn't see the point. He didn't want cards or pressies, but I wanted to make the gesture and he didn't have a go at me when I bought him a card or a small pressie. And he made the effort for my birthday too. You have your beliefs and habits, that's fine. No one should expect him to be Mr.Party, but when you're in a relationship you should blooming well compromise!

Like previous posters have said; think of your future kids. You're hurting now, think about what your kids would feel like when Daddy doesn't want to take them anywhere, or celebrate their birthdays. You're going to end up on a lot of one parent day trips feeling resentful and very lonely.

Dinah93

It sounds very much like the gift giving is the tip of the iceberg. You seem very resentful about the life you have, and blame your husband for how boring it is to you. I don't think you are in any way out of line wanting the things you want, but you need to think carefully about how you want to change things. Would he be willing to go to councelling with you? Or are you past the stage where you want to change things and still love him, and just want him gone so you can do your own thing? Only you can answer that.

Personally, I'd be very concerned about having to lie about what you do together.on a weekend. This shows he knows people generally want more out of life, but he doesn't want to change as he personally doesn't want to make the effort to have these things as he does not value them.

robpw2

is he a jehovas witness and scared to tell you they dont celebrate birthdays or christmas

i think the best thing to do is buy your self something and a card and send it to yourself .

me and my partner have found it tough this year for birthdays and w have both promised to buy each other a present when we get the money

maturelearner

Reminds me of my ex (your current partner).

My current DP doesn't do grand jestures either (we couldn't afford that), but he does get me card and a small gift at birthdays and most importantly I don't find myself needing to lie, Even if I just get an e-card and a McDonalds with DD and DP.

It sounds like your partner doesn't respect you, expecting you to lie and him lying to his mates. This is what concerns me.

I know of relationships where they don't "do" celebrations (some close family members) for various reasons but they and partner tell "the world" this.

It does take courage when you've lied for years, but you need to stop this. It won't be easy and you may come across people who think you're lying when you're telling the truth. It will be an uphill struggle, but things will change if you stop lying.

Best wishes

zimm143

My OH claims not to like holidays - I simply book them and tell him we're going. He generally enjoys it once he gets there. have you tried this? If he can't at least make the effort to go away for a few days to make you happy you need to re-consider your relationship.

Can I ask how old you are? If you don't yet have kids and just bought I house i guess you are somewhere around 30? Very young to be living this type of life (days and days of TV) - not that it is acceptable at any age.