is this normal?

Any

So...
He hates presents and he's even been nasty to you when you gave him some?

You have to pretend that you do normal stuff in front of his friends?

You just sit in front of the TV and don't go out together?

Tell me - does this guy have any plus points? Any big plus points? Because this certainly doesn't sound like a good life, well, any life actually if you ask me.

rrwfotr

plus points he can be caring in a sense e.g he makes my sandwiches for work, he helps with the dishes and is affectionate.

I guess i just want the normal things in life, i don't want to have to pretend to colleagues/friends/family that I am going away when all im doing is staying at home doing the house work.

Theres nothing to look forward to in life. We have a nice house, not fully furnished yet, but i'm ok with that, but getting the house is the most exciting thing we've done and thats it.

Chinkle

It sounds like this guy is pretty set in is ways. My question is why has it suddenly started bothering you?

The only thing I don't like is that he lies about it, why can't he just be honest plenty of people prescribe to the view that it's about little gestures everyday rather than grand presents a couple of times a year. Or that they've rather spend money on more practical things. I would want to be going along with lies, so next time it happens speak up.

custardy

it depends
my own childhood was not one where i saw gift giving etc
xmas/birthdays were also times to lie when people assumed i would have gifts to talk about
so as an adult i had to learn what was 'normal'
when it was my boys 1st birthday the whole birthday party scenario was new to me
whereas my OH has a big family who do stuff like that all the time.
you OH may have a similar background/hang ups

Zazen999

rrwfotr wrote: »

plus points he can be caring in a sense e.g he makes my sandwiches for work, he helps with the dishes and is affectionate.

I guess i just want the normal things in life, i don't want to have to pretend to colleagues/friends/family that I am going away when all im doing is staying at home doing the house work.

Theres nothing to look forward to in life. We have a nice house, not fully furnished yet, but i'm ok with that, but getting the house is the most exciting thing we've done and thats it.

Those aren't caring things, those should be basic niceties to each other.....

If there isn't anything to look forward to then.......[you finish the sentence]

rrwfotr

Chinkle wrote: »

It sounds like this guy is pretty set in is ways. My question is why has it suddenly started bothering you?

its bothered me for years, but i hoped he would change. I guess I see others going away and I want the same.

myaccount08

I don't think it matters so much what's considered "normal" in other peoples eyes, or what the majority of people do in society. I think what matters is what you want, what he wants, and how these things work alongside each other in your relationship.

In our relationship we don't do anything special nor are we big on gifts or cards. DH really doesn't do these things at all, but because i am so used to it from childhood and previous relationships, he has on some occassions made the effort to get me cards and gifts - just to try and conform to what he thinks i expected and wanted. But now he knows i'm not particularly fussed, neither of us bother much with these things!

If your views are the opposite to your OH, and you have clearly explained to him how important it is to you and then he specifically ignores this - then the problem is that he is deliberately hurting your feelings, rather than the fact you're not just getting gifts. I'd ask him for a good reason as to why he cannot do what makes you happy, if he has no reason and is just being selfish then you can safely assume he just doesn't care.

If you really want to go away together, then maybe you ought to take the first step and arrange things. If he genuinely doesn't want any of the things you do, then perhaps reconsider the relationship since it is making you so unhappy. You should never be with someone in the hope they will change, you should be with them because you actually like who they are from the get go.

rrwfotr

thanks for your replies, as i said its the thought i'm after, not how grand the gift is.

I've tried attempting to look at holidays before, i took the initiative but he said not to go ahead and book anything because he was busy with work, that was that then.

mini

Just wondered do you do anything for you, like an evening class/aerobics, something to get you out & about. I have a similar background to custrady it sounds like, but it sounds lik ehe is too narrow minded to think beyond him, yet he pretends to his friends you go shopping together? MY OH & I don't do presents for anniversaries, I have friends who do major trips away for them but they hardly see each other all year apart from that, I'd prefer my life, it's not all about gifts, I think it's about thought & he isn't thinking of you. I think you should think about something you'd like to do and do it, also by pretending you are going away etc you are isolating yourself by not being able to tell people how you really feel.

Good luck

grey_lady

Is there a bigger issue here maybe? I mean are you unhappy in your relationship and can't see things getting any better. If so then you have to take the first step in trying to change things, explain to your other half how much it hurts your feelings that you don't feel like he's making of fuss of you on your birthday or planning a trip away together and make sure it sinks in :-) he might just suprise you - and if he doesnt, then perhaps this isnt the relationship for you.

For me birthdays arent about the money spent on gifts, its about having my partner and i spending a few hours doing something special - even if we're broke, then a nice walk, or a MSE treat, a good chat and lots of attention along with a card and normally a home made birthday cake makes it a special day.