is this normal?

rrwfotr

hello

How would you feel if your husband/partner didn't bother getting you a card or present on your birthday/wedding anniversary. I'm not talking about grand gestures here, like diamonds, i'm talking about normal things, like perfume.

Would you say its normal if he didn't take you out to celebrate, not that he would have to pay for the meal we would ofcourse go halves, would you say a take away is sufficient?

I could understand if someone was on the breadline and ok you would have to cut down on some things but we aren't.

Theres no such thing as holidays or even days out, even though I have made suggestions, as mentioned i would never expect him to foot the whole bill, we would go 50/50. He doesn't do presents, doesn't like receiving (has been nasty to me in the past when i bought him xmas presents) or giving, he doesn't make an effort at xmas either.

Am i being unreasonable and is this behaviour normal?

thanks

zimm143

It's difficult to comment just based on your comments but I wouldn't accept this from my OH. We are not married but on our annivasary of our relationship we exchange cards (occasionally gifts) and go out for dinner. he does pay, becuase he thinks he should, but I would go halves. If we were skint we'd get a takeaway or even just cook a nice meal. Quite a few people aren't really into presents though so your OH is not unusual. The only thing that matters is if he knows it upsets you and if he willing to change becuase of this? if he has no idea it bothers you then you need to tell him, you might be plesantly surprised.

rrwfotr

thanks for your reply, I've mentioned this to him many times, but i dont think he really cares as he sees it as materialistic things. I asked him if he knew any of my sizes this morning and he doesn't! we've been married 6 years.

Minxy_Bella

No, it's not normal behaviour but I think the question is really can you cope with his disinterest in celebrating events that mean so much to you (as well as the rest of the population!).

I couldn't - it would hurt me too much if my partner appeared not to care enough even to buy me a ruddy card for my birthday!

roses

It's not normal behaviour but reading your post, I don't think I would take it personally as you say he has an issue even with his own birthday. I assume he is the same with the rest of his family, ie no presents or cards?

starbump

It's nothing to do with whether it's normal. It's what is reasonable and acceptable to you.

Personally, we don't always do gifts but try to remember cards and there is no 50/50 because all our money is shared. However, this is what we are happy and content with. You don't need to be the same.

If you really want gifts and cards on all special occasions then your hubby ought to acknowledge this and try to make you happy. Isn't that love? OTOH, if he is really forgetful and has zero interest in gifts, you should help him out by writing important dates in the family calendar and leaving big hints (circles around catalogue items) for him when he goes gift shopping.

gizmo111

Just so my husband doesn't forget out anniversary next week, I'll put notes in his lunch box for work to remind him - if he forgets then said lunch box will be empty for quite some time.:D

rrwfotr

thanks for all your replies. No he is not forgetful, he hates shopping never goes or takes me shopping but makes out to his mates he does and i have to play along with it. Its not about the money as I can buy whatever I like as I have the money, its the lack of thought and 'cant be asked' attitude.

rrwfotr

i try and celebrate his birthday by buying him a cake and lighting the candles, but i have to do this for myself on my birthday too!

LittleMissAspie

Has he said why? Maybe he hates all the commerciality around special days. My boyfriend and I give presents, but not cards, and I think a takeaway is definitely sufficient.

Maybe he doesn't see presents as a way of expressing love. Does he do any of the other things on this list:
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

If you both put that list in order of what is most important, you might come out with opposite ideas.

mrcow

It sounds very unthoughful.

As you say, it's not about the present or anything materialistic....it's about feeling appreciated and thought after.

Does he show you that he cares in other ways?
Does he buy other people gifts (his family or friends?)
What was he like before you married?

Come to that.....why did you marry him?