So cross with OH

calleyw

I think maybe what was not clear from my post. I was not suggesting for one minute that you should not have your own money in your savings accounts. And that you should pool all your resources. But that you should not be hiding it from them. You don't have to tell them how much you are saving or even why. But that does it exist.

The way we work is one joint account for household expenses and seperate current accounts for rest of our wages/income. We have a couple of other instant access accounts. But very little is kept in those as they are just donkey accounts for moving money around.

But my husband knows roughly what I have in my bank accounts. I mean in my ISA he in the past has given me money to top up it up. So we do trust each other.

I personally could not long term commit to someone who was not working with me towards the same goals. I would have to think very carefully about even having any sort of joint finanical dealings with them at all, let alone living with them. Because I don't want to spend my entire life worrying about what they are going to do next or how much debt they are going to run up. Or even have the debt collectors coming around. All I can say missk_ensington is that must be true love. I would rather stay single than endure that sort of stress. As it never leaves as it nags at the back of you mind all the time.

I am happy to let my husband see all my financial dealings. He is welcome at any time to check my ISA or any other savings accounts I have. Reason being I trust him with everything including my life. If that was not the case I would not have married him.

I for one would very p1ssed off if I found that my husband had thousands stashed away. And made us scrimp and save and do with out etc. And he had the money so we could have X or Y done when are backs where really against the wall.

Also what happens after your death. I for one would again would be very p1ssed off to find bank books with money squirrled away because he did not trust me. I would be very embarrassed and hurt to say the least.

Everyone has to do what they feel is right. But I find it very strange that you feel that you trust someone with everything apart from your money. To me you either trust them or you don't.

I did have a partner who was a waster. He was earning 15K in 1993 so that was a lot of money (back then) and he lived at home and just wasted it. Two weeks after payday he had no money. The relationship ended for another reason and not over money. But looking back in it I am glad I was out. As I know now I would not have our house (Ok the bank owns for the time being )and we would have been living hand to mouth with no savings and no backup. Sorry but no thanks. I personally see myself as worth more than that.

Yours


Calley

missk_ensington

Calley, so you're suggesting that: (Partner 1) "I have a savings account", (Partner2) "What for? and how much?" (partner1) "Im not telling you!" conversation is more benefitial to a relationship than not telling them at all! What kind of relationship do you have! If I told my partner I had savings, but refused to tell him how much, or where the money was coming from he'd be fuming! He would automatically think I was planning to leave him, or that I was having an affair or something daft, which is what id think if I knew he was stashing money and not telling me!

missk_ensington

I understand what you're saying about being annoyed if you were scrimping and saving and he had money stashed away, which is fair enough, but the partner of the lady who started this thread ISNT scrimoing and saving, which is whole point of the conversation! If he does, she should, but if he wont neither should she!

I have my stash that my OH has no idea about, but he has no idea what I have in my account anyway. He doesn't understand tax credits and what we get, he just signs the papers and the money goes i my bank, so if were skint and need, say the car MOT doing, I'll sort of come up with the money and give him some rubbish about how I'd been underpaid by tax credits or something has been backdated.... I can usually think of something, or lie and say Ive taken out a loan when I haven't! Its a white lie, it doesn't harm him and we have better financial stability as a result!

snoozer

Since joining the DFWs I have started saving £2 and also odd change I had. But then I noticed when I picked up OH jeans and jackets they were chinking quite a lot so I've been emptying them - he hasn't even noticed yet and I'm several pounds to the good.

This is the only money that he doesn't know about though and as soon as he comments that he thought he had some change I'll tell him what I've been doing :rotfl: I wonder how long it will take (I'm saving it to pay extra off the mortgage so I don't feel too guilty, he'll benefit in the long run/

Kantankrus_Mare

snoozer wrote:

Since joining the DFWs I have started saving £2 and also odd change I had. But then I noticed when I picked up OH jeans and jackets they were chinking quite a lot so I've been emptying them - he hasn't even noticed yet and I'm several pounds to the good.

This is the only money that he doesn't know about though and as soon as he comments that he thought he had some change I'll tell him what I've been doing :rotfl: I wonder how long it will take (I'm saving it to pay extra off the mortgage so I don't feel too guilty, he'll benefit in the long run/

Im with you on this one lololol..I syphon the odd pound coin here and there regularly.........(amazing how they soon add up)

My endowment is performing dismally and his attitude is to take out another loan in 7 years time when mortgage is due but !!!!!! that!! I want to be mortgage free!!

If endowment comes up trumps in mean time all well and good ....we'll have a good holiday but if it doesnt then we can pay it off all the sooner due to the odd coin here and there!

dippy-dora_2

He definately went over the top, it's not like you're related to the person getting married - a daughter I could understand, but not a daughter of a friend!
Mind you, maybe men don't look at cost and he just bought it then noticed the cost?
nah, I don't think so either just trying to be easy on him

I don't know what to suggest other than give him enough earache so he feels guilty enough to try and get his money back, then spends a more reasonable £8 on a gift!

kathfisch

missk_ensington wrote:

I'll sort of come up with the money and give him some rubbish about how I'd been underpaid by tax credits or something has been backdated.... I can usually think of something, or lie and say Ive taken out a loan when I haven't!

I can understand why you feel you need to do this, for the financial stability of yourself and your husband.

But is it not very tough for you? You are, in effect, the only adult in the relationship, when it comes to money at least. You are taking all the responsability on yourself, he is taking none and not sufferring the consequences of his actions.

If a single adult frittered money they didn't have eventually they would experience the consequences i.e. bailiffs if it got that far. There will always be a tipping point, a financial crisis and (eventually!) realisation that completely overspending is not sustainable. Some people have this (lightbulb) moment early on, for some it might take a lifetime, but without consequences someone's attitude is unlikely to change.

Same goes to the poster who was paying off his OH's catalogues and cards - why??? Do you think this will make her see sense?! She has been reckless and now had the problem solved by you with no effort required on her part - no consequences! And she buys stuff quickly when you're not around? Not surprising really, part of her knows you will do exactly the same again.

I'm sorry if my words are harsh, I don't mean them to be. I speak from experience when it comes to taking responsability for a partner, in money and other things. For me it was a case of emotional insecurity, doing everything for someone and being convinced that they couldn't manage without me. Needless to say, not a productive or happy relationship for either of us!

I saw what was wrong and ended it and now can't wait to be together with someone who is independent and capable. As calley has said so eloquently, if I can't be completely honest and open with my partner, if I can't trust them and want to share everything with them, they shouldn't be my partner. Nowt wrong with each having your own 'pocket money' to save having to justify every purchase but that's different to deception and mistrust.

And there ended the ramble....... with apologies for the length....

..... and for being totally off topic

To the OP: I find your husband's behaviour really quite shocking, perhaps not nastily intended but certainly utterly thoughtless! Its very generous of you to forego a big present to save money but that saved money should have been for you, not some neighbour you hardly know and your husband himself! I hope that he sees sense soon

dippy-dora_2

missk_ensington wrote:

Calley, so you're suggesting that: (Partner 1) "I have a savings account", (Partner2) "What for? and how much?" (partner1) "Im not telling you!" conversation is more benefitial to a relationship than not telling them at all! What kind of relationship do you have! If I told my partner I had savings, but refused to tell him how much, or where the money was coming from he'd be fuming! He would automatically think I was planning to leave him, or that I was having an affair or something daft, which is what id think if I knew he was stashing money and not telling me!

My parents have done that all their married life. My mams moto: what's mine is mine and what's his is mine too!
My dad doesn't know how to fill a cheque in because my mam's always taken control of the money side.
My mam has several purses as well, and my dad wouldn't dare pry into them.
Some men are just happy to not get involved as long as things are ticking over nicely.

halloweenqueen_2

Mr HQ doesn't want to know about the bills either so I have to make sure everything is running smoothly. If i start talking to him about mortgages he walks away as he doesn't want to hear. Its not ideal as if anything happened to me, he wouldn't know a thing, i have showed him how to fill in a cheque but he still doesn't bother with it. I have a list of accounts/payments that could be used if I'm not around to direct the money anymore. His family lost a house because of their spending habits and if he knows money is there he wants to spend it, he also expects that I should say no if we can't afford it - then its bad feeling. So my way out is to have the money not hidden but hidden from view. He knows where my bank books are if he really wanted to look but he has no interest in them and trusts me to make sure we have enough to meet our commitments. So although I have money he doesn't know about he could find out if he really wants to. He does a very good ostrich impression when it comes to finances and it would be my fault if there was no back up money anywhere! Once we completely ran out of funds and he couldn't believe I didn't have anything anywhere to cover it! So I can't win either way!

snoozer

Well, we sat down last night and had a good talk. I reminded him that we have plans for the future and that if we keep on spending the way we have always done we won't be able to fulfil them.

I said that if he kept on the way he was we would end up with another £5,000 debt on a credit card by Christmas, I know because we've done it before.

I'd printed off all our statements, which might be a big mistake as I'd transferred £3,000 into savings (£1,500 each) and although I'd told him at the time he was astonished at the balance in his account. I'm now thinking I should have put it all in my name! I told him I'd transferred it so we wouldn't fritter it away.

I think I might have got through to him, but more of a flickering candle than a lightbulb moment. I'm sure he will think twice and consult me before impulse buying in future. Must get him to ebay some of his gadgets!