Daughter and her Relationships

RadoJo

I think plenty of girls have a phase where the boys they are most attracted to are the least suitable - I know I did! Something about the thrill of the chase, the emotional rollercoaster waiting for a phone call, the constant butterflies of not knowing where you stand - there is something exciting about all that, and I'd hazard a guess that most of us have had a few crushes that we knew were going nowhere, but were exciting all the same.
Then you get to a point where all that seems like it takes up too much energy and you want someone nice to actually spend your life with. I would be surprised if your daughter isn't exhibited human nature - the boys that like her seem boring because there's no challenge, whereas the ones who present a challenge often break your heart!

beachbeth

Well its happened. He's ended it with her. We know because she woke us up sobbing at 2.00am last night. I don't know the details. She just said "its over". She's heartbroken. She only knew him for a week, even though she's been speaking to him on the phone for the past month nearly every night! Ive got to try and cheer her up today by perhaps taking her to the Pizza Hut. I don't blame him but I just wish he hadn't said he would keep in touch in the first place.

Chinkle

This isn't going to be the last time, allow her to soak up the experience of her first heartbreak.

PolishBigSpender

beachbeth wrote: »

She seems to have to get to know them first before deciding whether she likes them as a boyfriend.

Isn't it the way it should be???

beachbeth wrote: »

Ive said to her that you go out with boys and try them out for size and then get to know them better. You can then decide whether you want to carry on with them or whether you aren't suited and this is what most people do.

No, it's not what most people do. :eek:

beachbeth wrote: »

I can't see this relationship going anywhere and am just waiting to pick up the pieces really. I just don't know how to get through to her that she needs to go out with lots of boys (in a friendly not tarty way!) to try people out and then find someone she really gets on with. The Rep in question doesn't even live near us in the UK.

She's 19. NINETEEN!! She's got plenty of time and probably plenty of relationships in front of her. You sound like you want her to get married as soon as possible :S

beachbeth

I think you've got me wrong, Polish. I don't want her to get married for years and I love having her at home so I don't want her to find a boyfriend and leave - not ever!!!:D

However, she gets depressed that she hasn't got a boyfriend and moans a lot about it. Yet my SIL knows two boys (she knows them personally so they aren't axe murderers or druggies or anything) - they're good looking and also hard working lads and for some reason my daughter doesn't want to meet or get to know them. One of them went out of his way to try to get to know her and the other said he wanted to come round with some flowers and take her out for a meal. She wasn't interested. These two lads are just two examples. So its not as though she doesn't get lads wanting to make friends.

When I said you go out with boys to get to know them, I don't mean in a jumping into bed kind of way. I mean a date at the bowling alley or the pictures or something casual like that.

She gets so upset she hasn't got a boyfriend and yet goes out of her way to make sure that she doesn't get one! What can I do about that except to stand back and let her find her own way? (Which is what I am doing.)

beachbeth

Chinkle wrote: »

This isn't going to be the last time, allow her to soak up the experience of her first heartbreak.

This isn't the first time though. And I know it won't be the last.

davetrousers

It's better to have loved and lost.......than to never have loved at all.

There's a cliche for everything.

Katie-Kat-Kins

beachbeth wrote: »

I think you've got me wrong, Polish. I don't want her to get married for years and I love having her at home so I don't want her to find a boyfriend and leave - not ever!!!:D

However, she gets depressed that she hasn't got a boyfriend and moans a lot about it. Yet my SIL knows two boys (she knows them personally so they aren't axe murderers or druggies or anything) - they're good looking and also hard working lads and for some reason my daughter doesn't want to meet or get to know them. One of them went out of his way to try to get to know her and the other said he wanted to come round with some flowers and take her out for a meal. She wasn't interested. These two lads are just two examples. So its not as though she doesn't get lads wanting to make friends.

When I said you go out with boys to get to know them, I don't mean in a jumping into bed kind of way. I mean a date at the bowling alley or the pictures or something casual like that.

She gets so upset she hasn't got a boyfriend and yet goes out of her way to make sure that she doesn't get one! What can I do about that except to stand back and let her find her own way? (Which is what I am doing.)

It is normal.

I can remember my housemate at uni (so same age as your daughter) being just the same. She wanted to have a boyfriend because she could see me with my long term boyfriend and she wanted the romance and so on but she honestly wasn't ready so she'd deliberately shun nice guys at uni and hook up with disinterested ones who were around for a few weeks at home. In all honesty she was scared of what would be expected of her and what would be involved if she got into something with one of the nice boys at uni.

She's found someone now, and is living with him. In the end it hasn't really taken her much longer than me to find "the one" as I split up with the long term boyfriend after graduation anyway!

Girls mature at different rates and do things in different ways. I bet if you look at friends daughters (and sons) you will see some who have lots of "dates" and don't get much further, some who have a few fairly long term boyfriends and periods of being single, the ones who are "romatics" and are permanently either utterly head over heels or heartbroken, others who are real late starters and may end up marrying their first true love, etc etc.

I can think of so many "types" from my school days and they are all happy successful people now. One friend has been married to her husband for 10 years, he was her second proper boyfriend and the first to last more than about six weeks, she went from being the late starter to the first to marry.

Stop worrying, leave her to it and relax. As long as she isn't getting involved in any harmful behaviour don't interfere, just support her, heartbreak is easily forgotten at that age, it just doesn't feel like you'll ever get over it at the time.

It really is all part of the process of growing up.

beachbeth

Thanks KatP - that was a lovely post. You are right of course.

Katie-Kat-Kins

Hope it helps. Everyone goes about this stuff in there own way and has their own comfort zone.