Daughter and her Relationships

beachbeth

My youngest daughter is 19 going on 14. She is not very tall (like me!) but is very pretty and quite often has boys interested in her. Trouble is she won't give any of them a chance. She seems to have to get to know them first before deciding whether she likes them as a boyfriend. Ive said to her that you go out with boys and try them out for size and then get to know them better. You can then decide whether you want to carry on with them or whether you aren't suited and this is what most people do. She can't seem to do this though.

We recently went on holiday abroad and after our 2 weeks there she decided she really liked the Rep who is only a couple of years older than her. He seems a nice kind of guy and they went out twice before we came home. They have carried on keeping in touch by phone and text every day - although it is costing them both because of the international calls.

I can't see the relationship carrying on because he won't be coming back to the UK until October and she can't afford to go back out to see him (she's a student). She was in floods of tears last night because he hadn't rung when promised (the first night in 3 weeks that he hadn't rung!!!). I told her that its difficult to carry on a long distance relationship and that she should give local boys a chance but she won't listen! She spoke to the rep eventually and he said he just hadn't had chance that particular night to call her.

I can't see this relationship going anywhere and am just waiting to pick up the pieces really. I just don't know how to get through to her that she needs to go out with lots of boys (in a friendly not tarty way!) to try people out and then find someone she really gets on with. The Rep in question doesn't even live near us in the UK.

I don't suppose anyone can help me in this but it helps just to offload.

Swirlywurly

Why are you so concerned about her love life? Surely she will meet people in her own time and in the way that makes her feel comfortable? This seems much more about you than her...

beachbeth

Because its me she comes to when she gets upset and, as she's my daughter, of course Im concerned!!!

Bargain_Rzl

beachbeth wrote: »

I just don't know how to get through to her that she needs to go out with lots of boys (in a friendly not tarty way!) to try people out and then find someone she really gets on with.

No she doesn't! I never went through a stage of dating lots of people at all - I had a couple of casual dates in my teens, a fairly serious relationship from 25-28 but have come to the conclusion that I'm a natural singleton.

Everybody's different, and IMHO at 19 she can date whoever she likes (as long as they're not axe-murderers, woman-beaters or serial cheats ) or nobody at all should the fancy take her

belfastgirl23

I'll mean this in the nicest way Butt out!

Your daughter is 19 and old enough to be figuring things out for herself. She needs to go through this and unfortunately it's not something you can protect her from. It sounds like she's a level headed enough girl (just think how much worse it would be if she was jumping into bed with all those local lads :eek:) have faith in her and accept that she will figure out what's right for her

SugarSpun

I think at 19 what she needs from you is a shoulder to cry on/box of tissues/enthusiastic encouragement, depending on the circumstances.

My mother was the same way with me, and is the same way with my younger brother. It's natural to want to give advice - but you have to be careful not to overstep the line and interfere. I hope it works out for her and for you.

Katgrit

I totally see where you're coming from but i think you're fighting a losing battle!

The concept of 'dating' someone and spending time with them before you decide you actually want to 'go out with' them is a very good idea i think its a lost concept with todays youth (i'm sounding like my Mum again aren't i?). I certainly wish i'd done a hell of a lot more of it in my teens and twenties. (I'm 31 now) Just didn't have the confidence at the time.

Cant speak for all teenagers (and i'm certainly not implying this about your DD) but most of the ones i know will spend a few dates with a someone, decide it means they're in a relationship and end up having cheap and meaningless sex. I think thats whats normal now, even though i hate to think of it.

I really wouldn't push your daughter in to a certain way of having relationships. Even with totally innocent intent of it being just 'dating' as you and i (and her!) mean she might get labelled as a slapper by her peers who would ASSUME she is sleeping with these boys. I think its just an idea that would be lost on most teenagers today. Nowadays they just wouldn't understand the 'getting to know you first' bit.

Encourage her that she's beautiful both on the inside AND the outside, and that a any man would be lucky to have her. But please dont make her feel she's going about things the wrong way. I'd say just stand back and offer tea and tissues when SHE comes to YOU. Not nice i know but she'll find her own way of getting involved in relationships as time goes on. It should be more fun than what she's going through at the moment but you obviously are close so she's lucky she's got you there for her if and when things go wrong.

Swirlywurly

beachbeth wrote: »

Because its me she comes to when she gets upset and, as she's my daughter, of course Im concerned!!!

Can you support her and understand her being upset without trying to steer her in a certain path? Not necessarily easy but will be the most beneficial to her in the long run. She isn't doing things in the wrong way, just a different way to how you would. She has to learn in her own way and find her own path.

pulliptears

I imagine its very hard, but all you can do is be a shoulder to cry on and make her smile.

I have all this to come, my DD is almost 12 and her 'boyfriend' (I use the term loosely) lol dumped her on msn for her best friend. She was inconsolable.
I'd been to an ann summers party a few weeks prior and been given a 'willy shaped' jelly mould. DD and I made willy jelly and she bobbited out her frustrations on it. We had a laugh and the little ratbag who upset her was quickly forgotten.

Probably not the most appropriate way of handling it, but it was a fun afternoon

beachbeth

Katgrit wrote: »

I really wouldn't push your daughter in to a certain way of having relationships. Even with totally innocent intent of it being just 'dating' as you and i (and her!) mean she might get labelled as a slapper by her peers who would ASSUME she is sleeping with these boys. I think its just an idea that would be lost on most teenagers today. Nowadays they just wouldn't understand the 'getting to know you first' bit.

You are right, of course. I do tell her she is a lovely person inside and out and that any boy is lucky if she likes them! I suppose Im just worried because she is 19 and at the same age I had already met the man who is now my hubby!

I don't want to push her into starting anything serious and I do tend to just sit back and wait with the tissues most of the time. Its hard when you can see something is likely to happen and then it does and she is upset. You can't protect your children from life and they have to make their own mistakes but it is hard to watch sometimes.

She does ask for advice and I can only tell her that she is gorgeous and that she will find someone nice at some point. She even joked through her tears last night that she was destined to just become an old lady who lives with cats!

DKLS

Perhaps it would be useful to remind her what holiday reps are like. I did one summer season and all of us used to have our holiday romances that would last exactly 2 weeks, we would wave off one lot claiming we would be in touch and wouldnt forget them and we didnt until the next flight came in, full of new totty.